Look, don’t get me wrong, I like Men’s Health magazine. It has plenty of interesting articles, and tips when it comes to Men’s health, fitness, love, sex, relationship and fashion. I have posted some of them here in She Knows Best. But the other day I stumbled upon MH’s 41 Ways to Melt a Woman’s Heart written by Nicole Beland and all I could do while reading the list was say the following, “good luck with that”, “yeah right” and “Oh puhleazze”. Sorry ladies but this time, I’m going to stick up for the opposite sex and dissect these 41 tips to the bones. They are just so ridiculously unrealistic. Trust me, I am doing you great favors in the end.
1. Ask her to dance.
*Eh, sure it would be nice. Like at a wedding or under the moonlight. My husband has done the latter.
2. On windy days, brush wayward strands of hair from her eyes and mouth.
*On windy days, you should walk as fast as you can to get inside so you’re hair wouldn’t be in your eyes and mouth.
3. When she’s coming down the street, across the room, or up the stairs to meet you, walk towards her as soon as you see her.
*Unless my man is going to help me out picking up toys off of the floor, he should stay where he is.
4. Kiss her between her shoulder blades when she turns her back to you to go to sleep.
*I prefer spooning myself.
5. Put your arm around her when you introduce her to your friends and family.
*This is nice in the beginning of a relationship. I give MH that.
6. Grasp her hand when a scantily dressed, beautiful woman walks by.
*Well, good luck with that.
7. Call her when you’re feeling sad.
*Err, shouldn’t he be calling you anyway?
8. Kiss her eyelids.
*Make sure you’re not wearing 10 applications of mascara. Ti’s just fair eh?
9. Ask to see a picture of her when she was a child.
*Again, this is nice in the beginning of a relationship.
10. Wash her from head to toe in the shower.
*Ask him to do it for you. Men won’t know what you want if you don’t tell them. They’re not psychics.
11. If she’s crying on the phone, go over to her place. Immediately.
*I hope he brings food. Like ice cream or chocolate.
12. Stand her naked on a sturdy chair and lick between her legs.
*Hey whatever tickles your fancy :)
13. Occasionally call her by her first and middle names.
*Why? Are you a child being punished? Although my husband has done when I’m having ditzy-duh moments
14. Buy her your favourite rock album of all time on vinyl.
*Let’s hope he finds it on EBAY.
15. Order coffee for her, remembering exactly how she likes it.
*Yeah, your man should know how you take your coffee. If he doesn’t then let him know how you want it.
16. Undress her and put her to bed when she falls asleep in the car.
*Well I hope he remembers to take the kids inside first. If you have kids of course
17. Mention your upcoming anniversary before she does.
*Again, good luck with that.
18. Send her something in the mail. Anything.
*Anything? What if it’s a credit card bill?
19. When she’s feeling insecure, stare into her eyes and tell her there is no-one in the world who could be as right for you as she is.
*We’re all insecure. If he has to do this over and over again, then it’s time to see Dr. Phil or Oprah.
20. Call her just before you get on the plane.
*This is mandatory, or a habit when it come to being in a relationship/marriage. This should be ingrained on any Men’s brain.
21. Pick her clothes up off the floor.
*He can’t even pick up his own socks, what makes you think he’ll pick up your clothes?
22. Try desperately to make her laugh when she’s feeling down.
*Geez, why is there so many things on this list about her being sad? Get some prozac already.
23. Take her to see your favourite sport live. Pay more attention to her than to the game.
*LOL, you’re freaking kidding me? If you expect your Man to “Pay more attention to you” while watching sports, you’re shit out of luck. Give the guy a break.
24. Touch her arm when you leave the table to go to the bathroom. Touch her again when you come back.
*Excuse me while I bang my head. Touch me why? Well let’s hope he washed his hands.
25. Shave just before you see her. She’ll notice.
*Men should shave anyway. Well unless they prefer not to. If they do, it’s probably part of their grooming process. Don’t take credit for it. “Ohh he did it for me”. Get a life lady.
26. Hug her when she gets jealous. Hug her hard.
*How about this, how about not make her jealous period. But good luck guys, heh.
27. Worship her breasts.
*I hate to break it to any ladies waiting for this to happen but MEN LIKE BREASTS. Period. Your breasts, celebrity breasts, any breasts on the magazines, models, MEN LOVE BREASTS. It’s not necessary for them to worship your breasts. They already do. For crying out loud.
28. Give her jewelry.
*I’ll give MH that too.
29. Hand her two towels when she gets out of the shower. (The second one is for her hair.)
*Please tell me you’re kidding. Needy enough?
30. Ask her specific questions about her work.
*Not too much. If she wants to talk about her work, she will. Trust me.
31. Keep her favourite cereal on hand.
*cook her breakfast instead. A more romantic gesture.
32. In the middle of a conversation, tell her you love her.
*Hmmm, Aren’t Men supposed to listen?
33. Send her very expensive flowers when you screw up.
*Not to expensive. And not only when you screw up. It should be anytime.
34. Take her to a cabin with a fireplace. Build her a fire.
*Yeah coz you know, she might break her nails building a fire for herself *sarcastic*. Men will do it anyway. Stop taking credit for everything.
35. Moan her name when she goes down on you.
*LOL, good luck with that. Just because you’re loud, don’t expect your Man to be loud as well.
36. Read her a story when it’s her turn to drive during a long road trip.
*Where in the planet do these women live?
37. Offer to fix something at her place that you realize is broken.
*Sure why not, make sure you actually know what you’re doing. If you’re not a handy man, point her to the Yellow book.
38. Notice when she’s wearing something new.
*I give MH that too.
39. Make love to her standing up, against a wall.
*I give MH that too. Let’s hope there’s an empty wall in your house. No picture frames and all that house stuff.
40. Kiss her hand in front of your most die-hard bachelor buddies.
*Or just show off her ring, I don’t know. Whatever makes her feel good about herself in front of your buddies, geez
41. If she’s too stressed to want sex…
a. Run a bath for her.
b. Give her a full-body massage.
c. Ask if she wants to wrestle.
If she’s too stressed to have sex, chances are she wouldn’t feel like wrestling, but the bath and massage sounds good.
These are all sooo romantic, in an ideal world. Yes, it would be nice but let’s not kid ourselves here. Men need a break once in a while. They’re doing everything they could to make their partner’s happy. Some things are just natural, it shouldn’t be taken against them. They’re not Superman after all. And even Superman needs help sometimes….