• Mon, Mar 22 2010

I Tried ‘Cosmo’ Sex Advice and Lived to Tell

As a self-respecting male of the species I have never felt the need to read Cosmopolitan, a magazine that women in 100+ countries impulsively purchase at supermarkets, or whatever passes for supermarkets in the developing world. After perusing its pages for the first time recently, however, I have no idea what I read; the experience was disorienting and disturbing, much like visiting an alternate universe where the rules of reality no longer apply—an alternate universe where nobody is secure about any aspect of their lives: what they eat, what they wear, what they say, what they think, ad infinitum. It’s a mystery: does Cosmo drive women insane or simply reinforce their natural insanity?

In the March 2010 issue I discovered soul-crushing, OCD-generating headlines and guidance such as:

  • “Secrets Your Friends Know About You… That You Don’t” (Your life is a LIE!)
  • “Is Being Too Nice Making You Sick?” (Everything you do is WRONG!)
  • “Curb Your Cravings! Without feeding your face” (Like a barnyard ANIMAL!)
  • “When young women dine out with a thin pal who chows down, they subconsciously follow her lead and eat heartily as well” (Your friends are KILLING you!)
  • “Yikes: 15 percent of condom-users will become pregnant each year” (At least you won’t die ALONE! Maybe!)
  • “Men are intimidated by smart women” (Say NOTHING! Just giggle! Tee hee!)
  • “Spider Veins on Your Legs” (Youth is SLIPPING through your hands like sand!)
  • “Little Things That Spoil Your Look” (No detail is too miniscule! Always FRET!)
  • “When Breasts Don’t Match” (God just HATES some people!)
  • “Every time I shave my legs, I miss random sections. How do I get every inch?” (Scrape! And scrape! And bleed! And SCRAPE!)
  • “The next time you’re running errands in sucky weather, bring your tiniest travel umbrella. When you spot a hunk whose umbrella you’d like to get under, stash yours in your purse.” (Love is manipulation! LIFE is manipulation!)
  • “The #1 Lie Guys Tell Their Partner: ‘Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine.’” (And he would be fine if you stopped interrogating him about his lies! ALL HIS LIES!)
  • “How long has it been since your last bikini wax or trim?” (If you have to ASK, it’s been TOO LONG!)
  • “Bad boys can be reformed.” (He will NEVER divorce you! The ER visits at 4 a.m. never happened!)

Wow, Cosmopolitan is a terrible magazine. I can almost understand why many feminists believe that it’s a tool of the patriarchy designed to keep women dumb and submissive, but their conspiracy theory is foolish because A) the Cosmo masthead is 95 percent female names, and B) no man would ever write this bullshit. For example:

From Our Partners

Share This Post:
  • Sharonica

    What? Why is this jerk writing for The Gloss? What is up with ///“Most women don’t go nuts for no reason.” (HA HA HA HA HA HA yeah right.)/// ?

    Seriously? What an ass. I hope the site isn’t paying him. This is like reading Maxim.

  • Sharonica

    Wow. I really liked this site but this has just ruined my damn day.

  • Scott

    Too much profanity, terrible comedic timing, mean spirited. Hate fuck? Really? Go back to Alaska, pussy.

  • heathen

    LOL LOL “One reason men crave makeup sex is simply for reassurance that the relationship is not on the rocks.” (No, honey, it’s because he seriously wants to hate-fuck you.)

  • Sam

    “If you have a functional penis, you have never “craved reassurance.”

    So guys aren’t allowed to be insecure? Ever? About anything? (Ironic, the presence of “functional penis” so close to that phrase …)

  • Elliot

    “I can almost understand why many feminists believe that it’s a tool of the patriarchy designed to keep women dumb and submissive, but their conspiracy theory is foolish because A) the Cosmo masthead is 95 percent female names, and B) no man would ever write this bullshit.”

    It doesn’t have to be a man writing for it to be patriarchal bullshit. Plenty of women uphold patriarchal values and spout misogynist shit – like the ones who write Cosmo.

    Also: “does Cosmo drive women insane or simply reinforce their natural insanity?”"“Most women don’t go nuts for no reason.” (HA HA HA HA HA HA yeah right.)”"[...]Get lost, baby; the money is on the dresser.”

    For some unfathomable reason, I have an hunch the writer doesn’t like women very much. So really, the only reason Cosmo sucks is because it gives wacky sex advice, not because it advocates that women see themselves as sexually consumable to men.

    Lastly “..what passes for supermarkets in the developing world” – Am I the only one who found this comment snide and privileged?

    • SJ

      I’m a woman, I thought it was hilarious. I don’t read Cosmo or those other chick mags, I much prefer Maxim. And yes, as a woman I do go nuts for no particular reason sometimes, best part is I’m not afraid to admit it. Stop being so uptight.

    • *

      “I much prefer Maxim”

      Well, that explains everything. Maxim is basically the male version of Cosmo, but with 50% more sexism, basically ensuring that their readership is even dumber than that of Cosmo’s.

  • Meg

    lol, I how many people are insulted by this article, i thought it was hilarious!

    I hate cosmo and all the other women’s magazines because they only want me to be unhappy with who i am. I actually started reading men’s magazines because they were more informative and when they mention a diet, it’s actually healthy eating advice.

    the really sad thing is that cosmo isn’t just wrong about men and sex, they have never once been right about what i like in bed either!

    Oh yeah, a scented candle really gets my motor running because i’m a simple minded female and i’m supposed to like that. My boyfriend likes scented candles more than i ever will and all i think when i see a room filled with candles during a sex scene in a movie is that i hope they don’t knock any over and burn the house down.

    It’s all complete bullshit. I often wonder if the people who write for women’s magazines have ever even had an orgasm. They all seem to look at sex as a chore and sex toys as scary foreign objects.

    Great article! loved the video!

  • James

    I thought this was positively hilarious and partly true. People who are offended by this get over it. Some of it is exaggerated but its all to make people laugh. Cosmo is waste. Plain and simple. No one should spend their money on it but if you do then that’s your free decision just don’t complain if someone trashes it. If you can’t except these facts then get off the internet.

  • Cosmoscosmitas

    Awesome. Just as lethal? Applying Cosmo’s romantic predictions: http://cosmoscosmitas.tumblr.com/

  • Pingback: DE 20 BESTE SEKSTIPS EVER!!111!!! « Oppervlakkige Wijven

  • Jo

    Cosmo sucks period, I used to read it and I found out their advice is pretty much useless this article was great!

  • Pingback: DE 20 BESTE SEKSTIPS EVER!!111!!! « Oppervlakkige Wijven

  • WitchHuntress

    I actually found this amusing as hell (I got the mind and humor of a man) some people here to chill the fuck out seriously!

    • *

      OMG, you have the mind of a man, that must like, make you so much smarter and more chill then those stupid uptight bitches, right?

  • *

    Can we discuss the irony of the writer criticizing a women’s magazine for filling women’s heads with messed up ideas yet he is being blatantly misogynistic himself? He insinuates that women are crazy by virtue of being female, apparently regards them as whores (“Get lost, baby; the money is on the dresser”), promoting the stereotype that men only care about sex and nothing more. I mean, he’s the perfect compliment to the sexism of Cosmopolitan. Whoever hired this idiot needs to rethink their choice, because he’s an insult to anyone to frequents this site.