I Tried ‘Cosmo’ Sex Advice and Lived to Tell

  • “Biggest Guy Insight: When he texts ‘hey,’ he’s not being cryptic. He wants you to know he’s thinking about you, and he’s craving reassurance that he’s on your mind too.” (If you have a functional penis, you have never “craved reassurance.”)
  • “Most women don’t go nuts for no reason.” (HA HA HA HA HA HA yeah right.)
  • While giving oral sex, “Alternate between [tongue] flicking and lightly blowing on it.” (Blowing on it? What the hell? It’s not literally a “blow job,” you freak.)
  • “One reason men crave makeup sex is simply for reassurance that the relationship is not on the rocks.” (No, honey, it’s because he seriously wants to hate-fuck you.)

Further proof that Cosmo does not understand men whatsoever: the ABSOLUTELY PSYCHOTIC sex advice, as Cracked.com reported in “Sex Tips from Cosmo That Will Put You in the Hospital.” (Specifically: “bite the skin of his scrotum,” “tug the [pubic] hairs,” “sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes,” “grab on to it like you’re milking a cow,” “make two fists around [the] shaft and twist them in opposite directions as fast as you can.”) The March 2010 issue did not disappoint; I am convinced that Cosmo’s editors simply look around the office for random objects to use on phalluses:

  • “A SHOELACE: Wrap it around the middle of his shaft once, so you have two long ends. Then … pull on the strings, flossing it up and down. It provides a bit of friction that feels great.” (Yes, this “friction” is called “rope burn,” you idiots.)
  • “A LACE CAMI OR BRA: The lace adds a slightly rough texture … that’s unexpected and arousing.” (You know a slightly more arousing texture than your cotton undergarments? Wait for it… wait for it… your lubricated genitals!)
  • “A COTTON BALL: The slight tickle of this little fluff will make him yearn for a firmer touch. Take a few minutes to tease him…” (Seriously? You seriously want to rub unprocessed cotton on my junk for minutes at a time? Get lost, baby; the money is on the dresser.)
  • “A MANGO: Chew a small piece of mango … then take him in your mouth. You can use whatever fruit you have, just don’t try anything too acidic, as it can burn him.” (An Altoid is one thing, but a mango hummer is just goddamned silly.)
  • “A FINE-TOOTH COMB: Apply a little bit of pressure, and … slide the comb’s teeth along his shaft… The light scratching gets his blood circulating throughout his member.” (Yes, it will get his blood circulating, BECAUSE YOU ARE STABBING HIM WITH A THOUSAND LITTLE RAZORS, YOU SICK FUCKING LUNATIC.)

However, I am a journalist, and therefore I do not knock things until I try them, so I convinced my girlfriend to try these ridiculous stimulations on my sensitive groin region. You can watch the results below. This is not suitable for work, obviously.

Share This Post:
    • Sharonica

      What? Why is this jerk writing for The Gloss? What is up with ///“Most women don’t go nuts for no reason.” (HA HA HA HA HA HA yeah right.)/// ?

      Seriously? What an ass. I hope the site isn’t paying him. This is like reading Maxim.

    • Sharonica

      Wow. I really liked this site but this has just ruined my damn day.

    • Scott

      Too much profanity, terrible comedic timing, mean spirited. Hate fuck? Really? Go back to Alaska, pussy.

    • heathen

      LOL LOL “One reason men crave makeup sex is simply for reassurance that the relationship is not on the rocks.” (No, honey, it’s because he seriously wants to hate-fuck you.)

    • Sam

      “If you have a functional penis, you have never “craved reassurance.”

      So guys aren’t allowed to be insecure? Ever? About anything? (Ironic, the presence of “functional penis” so close to that phrase …)

    • Elliot

      “I can almost understand why many feminists believe that it’s a tool of the patriarchy designed to keep women dumb and submissive, but their conspiracy theory is foolish because A) the Cosmo masthead is 95 percent female names, and B) no man would ever write this bullshit.”

      It doesn’t have to be a man writing for it to be patriarchal bullshit. Plenty of women uphold patriarchal values and spout misogynist shit – like the ones who write Cosmo.

      Also: “does Cosmo drive women insane or simply reinforce their natural insanity?”"“Most women don’t go nuts for no reason.” (HA HA HA HA HA HA yeah right.)”"[...]Get lost, baby; the money is on the dresser.”

      For some unfathomable reason, I have an hunch the writer doesn’t like women very much. So really, the only reason Cosmo sucks is because it gives wacky sex advice, not because it advocates that women see themselves as sexually consumable to men.

      Lastly “..what passes for supermarkets in the developing world” – Am I the only one who found this comment snide and privileged?

      • SJ

        I’m a woman, I thought it was hilarious. I don’t read Cosmo or those other chick mags, I much prefer Maxim. And yes, as a woman I do go nuts for no particular reason sometimes, best part is I’m not afraid to admit it. Stop being so uptight.

      • *

        “I much prefer Maxim”

        Well, that explains everything. Maxim is basically the male version of Cosmo, but with 50% more sexism, basically ensuring that their readership is even dumber than that of Cosmo’s.

    • Meg

      lol, I how many people are insulted by this article, i thought it was hilarious!

      I hate cosmo and all the other women’s magazines because they only want me to be unhappy with who i am. I actually started reading men’s magazines because they were more informative and when they mention a diet, it’s actually healthy eating advice.

      the really sad thing is that cosmo isn’t just wrong about men and sex, they have never once been right about what i like in bed either!

      Oh yeah, a scented candle really gets my motor running because i’m a simple minded female and i’m supposed to like that. My boyfriend likes scented candles more than i ever will and all i think when i see a room filled with candles during a sex scene in a movie is that i hope they don’t knock any over and burn the house down.

      It’s all complete bullshit. I often wonder if the people who write for women’s magazines have ever even had an orgasm. They all seem to look at sex as a chore and sex toys as scary foreign objects.

      Great article! loved the video!

    • James

      I thought this was positively hilarious and partly true. People who are offended by this get over it. Some of it is exaggerated but its all to make people laugh. Cosmo is waste. Plain and simple. No one should spend their money on it but if you do then that’s your free decision just don’t complain if someone trashes it. If you can’t except these facts then get off the internet.

    • Cosmoscosmitas

      Awesome. Just as lethal? Applying Cosmo’s romantic predictions: http://cosmoscosmitas.tumblr.com/

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    • Jo

      Cosmo sucks period, I used to read it and I found out their advice is pretty much useless this article was great!

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    • WitchHuntress

      I actually found this amusing as hell (I got the mind and humor of a man) some people here to chill the fuck out seriously!

      • *

        OMG, you have the mind of a man, that must like, make you so much smarter and more chill then those stupid uptight bitches, right?

    • *

      Can we discuss the irony of the writer criticizing a women’s magazine for filling women’s heads with messed up ideas yet he is being blatantly misogynistic himself? He insinuates that women are crazy by virtue of being female, apparently regards them as whores (“Get lost, baby; the money is on the dresser”), promoting the stereotype that men only care about sex and nothing more. I mean, he’s the perfect compliment to the sexism of Cosmopolitan. Whoever hired this idiot needs to rethink their choice, because he’s an insult to anyone to frequents this site.