• Tue, Mar 30 2010

What Should You Wear to a Sex Party?

This post comes via our sister site Blisstree.com and was written by Amber Matassa.

I was telling my friend A the other day that my husband and I were going to be getting together with some other couples in the neighborhood.

She said: “Oh really? Are you going to a sex party?”

(Even though I’ve repeatedly denied it, A continues to insist that the suburbs are very exciting. I can hardly blame her, because she lives such a dull bi-coastal writing life.)

We are, in fact, not going to a sex party, but what if we were? What would we wear?

The last time suburban swingers were in vogue was about 40 years ago. I imagine moms in mod Twiggy dresses, go-go boots, elaborate updos, and catty eyeliner. (All that multi-partner coupling must have been murder on the hair and makeup – a landfill’s worth of spent White Rain cans.) Dads are garbed in bell-bottom trousers, beads, rose-colored aviators, and sideburns. Collared shirts are unbuttoned to the hairy midriff. All very The Ice Storm.

I bet the babysitters made a killing. I mean, think of how time-consuming your average suburban barbecue is. Then throw sex into the mix, and you’ve got yourself a real time-suck. Remember: This isn’t you and your hubby making perfunctory whoopie on a slow Saturday night. These are the Joneses. You have to make an effort.

I would imagine that the same sex party dress-code etiquette applies today. But, as much as I love it, the mod Twiggy style and the bared, hirsute chest look would come off as too costume-y. So, again, we’re faced with what to wear.

If your invitation read “pool sex party,” an easy-slip-off maxi dress paired with a flattering swimsuit and flip-flops would work wonders. Thankfully, hairstyles and makeup are much more low-key today. And we’ve been blessed with the miracles of waterproof mascara and eight-hour lipstick. Your husband should lose the butt-boosting dungarees (too cumbersome and bulky). A simple combo of elasticized swim trunks and a polo shirt will work best. But try not to actually enter the pool during the pool sex party – too soggy. Not sexy.

If possible, encourage the Joneses to host their sex party inside during the waning twilight hours – a time, place, and light level most forgiving toward a little neighborly nudity. It’s just polite to put your best fanny forward. For these tawdry evening affairs, we recommend a simple cocktail dress accessorized with minimal jewelry. You don’t want someone to yank out an earlobe in the frenzy. If pantyhose are necessary, opt for the garter variety, and do not remove them. Aside from his swim trunks, your husband should not go near elasticized pants for any reason. Never sacrifice dignity for efficiency.

Sex party apparel really comes down to thoughtfulness, prudence, and propriety. Keep in mind that your next encounter will likely be at your kids’ soccer game. That’s just the unfortunate reality. You want to be able to hold your head up high and know that you looked fabulous, not ridiculous. Take that, Mrs. Jones.

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