How to Get Married in 3 Months (Or Less!)

The fact that anyone is considering appearing on Ricky Van Veen’s “Married by 30” show absolutely terrifies us. So to save you the trouble of ever appearing on a reality program, we checked in with Maria the Date Coach for tips on how we can get ourselves married off, pretty much tomorrow. She promises that the plan will get you married before you can say “restraining order”, so you’ll want to have the following tips on hand when you are 29 and 9 months old.

Week 1-3 Research, Research, Research
Think of circle of friends as domino sets. Once a group of friend begins getting married with a circle, within two years, like dominos, the entire pact will fall into matrimony.

Your job is to find the domino set that has one last domino standing. That’s the lonely guy. All his friends are married with children. He wants to be part of that “in crowd” full of dirty diapers and misunderstandings. You want HIM.

And He’ll probably take you. It’s a known fact men rarely marry Mrs. Right, but Mrs. Right Now. You can be that girl!

Week 4-6 Making “Fate” Work for You
After having spoken to his friends, make sure your outlook is identical to his life. “Bump” into him, but be completely oblivious. Make him believe that fate is whats bringing you two together, not Foursquare, Gowalla, or whatever other iPhone GPS locating device you are currently stalking him on.

Week 7 The First Day of the Rest of YOUR Lives
Congratulations! You’re off to your first date. Adapt to his life, but be sassy at the same time. Don’t have sex with him. Make him believe you are a lady. Let him pretend to “chase” you for about 48 hours. In fact, don’t pick up his phone calls the first week.

Week 8- 11 Date and Mate
Your job is to continue dating and start fornicating. Don’t mind the accidental condom slip the day you ovulate. Also, change your Facebook status to “In a Relationship”. Let’s make it official. ;-)

Week 12- Announce your Pregnancy… and subsequent Engagement.

Congrats! You have  spawn growing inside you. And since he’s the last domino, he’ll probably let you keep it! (It also helps if he’s Republican.)

Share This Post:
    • johnny33405

      That is perfect. Just perfect.
      You are also correct.

    • Michelle

      Very, very offensive — on so many levels!

    • Jesse

      This is disgusting, offensive, and repugnant.

    • Kristy

      Wow… Although I really do think this would work, I also think the article was written as a comedy based on our current reality shows, online dating sites, chat lines and so forth. Face it, everyone is under the conception that the goal in life is to be married. Some how after all the time that has passed, after all the advancements of time, society has reverberated back to the 30′s and on. Women want careers and to be wealthy but the ultimate goal is to have that man that will marry her, not be intimidated by her career choice, rear kids with her, and still be perfect. Like I said I think this article is mostly comedy (on purpose).

    • Neena

      This is truly entertaining and unfortunately VERY true. Outside of myself and maybe 2 or 3 others in our “group” of girlfriends. The remaining women have either trapped a husband or snagged a mate in this EXACT manner!

    • owen332211

      Sorry! this is totally wrong. to lure a man into marriage with pregnancy. its not the best and thats why you will see lots of divorce. He will propose when he feels secure and safe to be with you(lady). Only a feeble minded man will accept to marry a lady due to pregnancy.