• Thu, Apr 15 2010

The “7 Ways To Spot A Slut” Guide Clearly Written By A Time Traveler

So, Jonny Valamehr, a a grad student at UCSB (he’s wordly, ladies) provided this really helpful, amazingly archaic guide for spotting sluts. Apparently, the ladies who exhibit the following seven behaviors are really just saying “throw your hot dog down my hall” but, you know, with their eyes. I am excited, because the behavior here seemed to be warned against in guides from the 1920′s. Here all some alternative explanations to why women might be behaving in a “sluttish” manner:

-She is at a bar/club/party alone [and is therefore looking to hook up].

She is confused as to how she ended up at the 1920′s, but is nonetheless gamely trying to make new friends.

-She smokes cigarettes and/or is looking to do drugs [and is therefore a slut]

She is one of those new fangled flappers with their opium dens and their tabacco. This is a lot like Splendor in the Grass, unfortunately, since you actually live in the 1920′s, you won’t know about that movie for a good fifty years.

-She can’t get along with other women and has a lot of guy friends (many of which she’s hooked up with)

She enjoys the sporting events! And the rugby! Eli Yale, Eli Yale, Grand Old Bulldog, Eli Yale!

-She asks you “Want to hang out later tonight?” or “Do you have any drinks at your place?” or “Do you have any wine?”

She finds your company unbearable, and is desperately trying to numb the pain with wine. Sluts are particularly fond of a fine glass of Klein Constantia. Alternatively, whatever bathtub gin you happen to have on hand.

-She tilts her head to the side and touches her neck when speaking to you

Goodness, this startched collar up around her neckline is uncomfortable. How she wishes she had not joined with your band of 1920′s Mormons.

-She is receptive to your touch

In the future when you attempt to give her a hug, or, as you suggested a playful punch on the shoulder she will know to leap back and say “have some respect for my virtue, sir!”

Really, Johnny, this is the result of some sort of bizarre time travelling on someone’s part, right? Because otherwise, you’re just a doucebag who knows jack shit about women.

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  • Chris

    this article is messed up. these women are looking for love (in the wrong places) and for asshole men like you to take advantage of them like that is wrong. these women need help, not to be used and tossed aside.

    • robert

      women are objects to be used until i am done with them

  • Counter Feminist

    Stupid, stupid article with no name in the byline. She doesn’t even refute the points made, she just b*tches about them and writes nonsense excuses. Feminism in a nutshell.