Allie Brosh Presents: The Grizzly Bear’s Guide to Flattering Fashion

We’re delighted to introduce Allie Brosh of Hyperbole and a Half. She’ll be providing her thoughts on fashion weekly with words and pictures.

Hi bears. Are you tired of looking frumpy after hibernating all winter? Maybe you are looking to add a little spark to your wardrobe but you are afraid of going overboard and looking like a furry Lady Gaga/yak hybrid covered in deer blood. Well, not to worry my carnivorous forest friends; I have composed the most complete guide to bear fashion ever published. Get ready to enjoy life in style, bears!
1.  Dark colors
Wear dark colors, like eggplant. They help hide the stains that naturally occur when you spend your days mauling elk and rubbing against trees.
2.  Vertical stripes
Vertical stripes are slimming and can also help to disorient prey animals, making them easier to kill.
3. Define your waist
As a bear, you are probably well aware of the unflattering side effects of preparing for winter. To help you maintain some of your ladylike curves while you are out in the hills stuffing your fat face with berries and snails, you should wear cinched-waist dresses and shirts. This style creates the illusion of a small waist and can disguise a bulging, snail-and-berry-filled stomach quite well.
4. Avoid bulky fabrics, especially wool
Bears, I know it’s tempting to want to hide underneath a layer of thick fabric, but heavy knits only serve to accentuate your pre-hibernation gut. Also, wool is grown on sheep and you are a big, tough bear who has no business running around in the same thing that sheep wear. You’ll look like a fool.
5. Tankinis and swim-skirts are a bear’s best friend
Once summer rolls around, you will probably have gained back almost ever ounce of adipose tissue you lost during hibernation. I’m sorry. That’s just how surviving in the wild goes; you have to sacrifice your waistline so that you can make it through another winter.
The good news is that tankinis and swim-skirts can do a great deal to cover up your furiously jiggling hindquarters as you lumber across a meadow.
6. Choose your accessories carefully

It’s not easy to accessorize when you’re a bear, but if you choose your accessories wisely, you can pull it off. Pale sage is a great color because it is complemented by the rich cranberry of salmon blood.  Similarly, beiges and grays can mesh well with the dark umber of bear excrement, so if you feel like rolling in the fecal matter of your friends and family members, you don’t have to worry about ruining your outfit!
Share This Post:
    • virginia wolf

      Congratulations – Good for you!!

    • trish in norcal

      Another tip for bears: choose your jeans wisely! Don’t forget the old adage: Guys don’t make passes at bears with big asses.

      • NecroBear

        Oh, Trish. We SO do.

        Woof!

    • angelus353

      Man you know Alot of fashion tips.

      • MTGG

        The Alot of Fashion Tips, Gok Wan of the animal world

      • Jau

        I wish I’d know him too ;o

    • tina time

      I can’t wait to read these every week! So funny!

    • maria

      Excellent tips! My bear friends and I will be looking fashion-forward this year!

      Congrats on this column, Allie. You’re a great writer and you deserve it! I look forward to reading each week.

    • Marty

      Great tips :)

    • b1rd

      I like this Alot.

      • Alot Trainer

        It’s the best of it’s kind! I heard it’s even papered :)

      • Mitsuki (The Alot lover)

        This is not an article about alot fashion. This is an article about bear fashion >:( Did you even read it?

    • emily

      or bears that wear glasses!

    • emily

      Also, invest in contact lenses! Guys don’t make passes at bears that wear glasses!

    • Grizz_femme

      I do not understand… Why would I want to hide my enormous paunch and jiggling ass. It drives the guys WILD.

    • Rubes

      I love you, Allie. You make my life funny.

    • Mike

      I’ve seen alot of posts, and this one is the best by far.

      • I like this Alot.

        I wasn’t aware that Alots knew how to post things on the internet.

    • ninji

      Bears are so lucky to have access to such amazing advice. I wish I was a bear so Allie could tell me what to wear. Or maybe I could be an alot? Could this advice work for an alot also? I do hope so.

    • LeighC

      I am afraid of the first person that commented on this post.

    • Shaun

      Is that the fish that nearly destroyed your childhood.

    • Kristie

      @LeighC; if you read the blog, you wouldn’t be so terrified. I recommend following that course of action immediately.

      • tafu

        “who’s afraid of (virginia) wolf?” haha i got it

    • Griffin

      AWESOME!!! Best fashion advice parody ever! =)

      • Matt Anderson

        parody?

    • Nights

      That is epic! <3

    • New Fan

      haha Just found this blog with the “Sneaky Hate Spiral” post. Great stuff, keep it coming! Oh ya, and I’m glad you’re feeling better with all the medical stuff. I know how that is, I was recently in the hospital myself.

    • H

      The pictures aren’t showing on this article, instead they’re all pictures saying “domain unregistered’

    • Talli

      no pictures :(

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    • i is me

      finally, someone who cares about bears. i was beginning to think that only those scrawny humans got anything designed for them. i finally know how to dress in style!