We’re delighted to introduce Allie Brosh of Hyperbole and a Half. She’ll be providing her thoughts on fashion weekly with words and pictures.
Hi bears. Are you tired of looking frumpy after hibernating all winter? Maybe you are looking to add a little spark to your wardrobe but you are afraid of going overboard and looking like a furry Lady Gaga/yak hybrid covered in deer blood. Well, not to worry my carnivorous forest friends; I have composed the most complete guide to bear fashion ever published. Get ready to enjoy life in style, bears!
1. Dark colors
Wear dark colors, like eggplant. They help hide the stains that naturally occur when you spend your days mauling elk and rubbing against trees.
2. Vertical stripes
Vertical stripes are slimming and can also help to disorient prey animals, making them easier to kill.
3. Define your waist
As a bear, you are probably well aware of the unflattering side effects of preparing for winter. To help you maintain some of your ladylike curves while you are out in the hills stuffing your fat face with berries and snails, you should wear cinched-waist dresses and shirts. This style creates the illusion of a small waist and can disguise a bulging, snail-and-berry-filled stomach quite well.
4. Avoid bulky fabrics, especially wool
Bears, I know it’s tempting to want to hide underneath a layer of thick fabric, but heavy knits only serve to accentuate your pre-hibernation gut. Also, wool is grown on sheep and you are a big, tough bear who has no business running around in the same thing that sheep wear. You’ll look like a fool.
5. Tankinis and swim-skirts are a bear’s best friend
Once summer rolls around, you will probably have gained back almost ever ounce of adipose tissue you lost during hibernation. I’m sorry. That’s just how surviving in the wild goes; you have to sacrifice your waistline so that you can make it through another winter.
The good news is that tankinis and swim-skirts can do a great deal to cover up your furiously jiggling hindquarters as you lumber across a meadow.
6. Choose your accessories carefully
It’s not easy to accessorize when you’re a bear, but if you choose your accessories wisely, you can pull it off. Pale sage is a great color because it is complemented by the rich cranberry of salmon blood. Similarly, beiges and grays can mesh well with the dark umber of bear excrement, so if you feel like rolling in the fecal matter of your friends and family members, you don’t have to worry about ruining your outfit!