The judges for the upcoming Miss USA pageant are going to be fun. Here’s an aspiring beauty queen’s guide to getting each of them to vote for you:
Johnny Weir: Olympic figure skater and reality TV star.
HE’LL LIKE YOU IF: You are or speak Russian, you wear outrageous stuff like leopard print and feathers.
HE’LL HATE YOU IF: Your celebrity crush is Evan Lysacek.
Paula Deen: Star of Food Network shows like Paula’s Party.
SHE’LL LIKE YOU IF: You’re from the South (side note: Texas is not the South, it’s just Texas), you mention your love of deep-fried things, you hit on the son she’s desperate to marry off.
SHE’LL HATE YOU IF: You’re a Yankee, you mention how much you dislike kids.
Melania Trump: Model, wife of Donald Trump (who owns the Miss USA pageant – nice synergy!)
SHE’LL LIKE YOU IF: You’re pretty, but not too pretty. Who knows when The Donald is going to be looking for Wife #4?
SHE’LL HATE YOU IF: You mention during the interview portion that you look down on women who aspire to be trophy wives.
Tara Conner: Former Miss USA who almost lost her crown when she was busted doing drugs and drinking at parties.
SHE’LL LOVE YOU IF: You have a good redemption arc, you tell her she’s your favorite past Miss USA ever.
SHE’LL HATE YOU IF: You talk about being a teetotaler or mention your abiding love for Carrie Prejean. (To be fair, I think the judges are probably required to immediately vote against anyone who invokes the name of the Prejean.)
Suze Yalof Schwartz: Glamour editor at large.
SHE’LL LOVE YOU IF: You mention that you read. Anything.
SHE’LL HATE YOU IF: You speak in favor of airbrushing or cosmetic surgery.