• Wed, May 19 2010

Boobs. Jugs. Cans. Whatever You Call ‘Em, This Is a Post About Having Big Ones.

Hey you. Up here.

Oh, hi there. Did you think I didn’t notice you staring at my rack? No, you knew I was going to notice but you thought it wouldn’t matter. You thought because they’re so big that I probably get it all the time, and don’t even mind anymore. I bet you thought because you’re a straight woman, it’s totally kosher to check out my chest.

Hey! I said to stop looking. Get your eyes out of the gutter—and out of my 32 DD cleavage.

Thanks.

Look: it’s not easy having big breasts. Sure, they’re a beach-body bonus and a super date-night accessory. But most of the time, having big boobs is a a big buzz kill.

I spent two years in college working as a Victoria’s Secret salesgirl in a mall near Boston. Not only did 85% of women wear the wrong bra size, but 100% of large-chested women looked positively miserable as they surveyed the overpriced sateen garments. They weren’t looking for a sexy push-up, they were looking for mammary redemption.

It was all I could do to not throw my arms around them—but not too close—and say, “I know! The push up bras and the little convertible wonders are just mocking us! Get out now before they talk you into uncomfortable thongs you’ll probably never wear!”

No one takes a woman with huge tits seriously in the business world. In an office, big balls are praised, but big breasts are just stared at. And it’s difficult to appear professional I’m bloated and I swear to god my breasts have swollen to a F, which I think stands for “Fuck off, I’m cranky and my chest hurts.”

Even worse, nothing fits. Cardigans hang off my shoulders and buttons snap off the front. Clingy tops pull in the wrong places, and sundresses always hang too low and look too provocative for everyday wear. And I can forget going bra-less in the summer—which means I can’t wear cute strapless, backless, or halter dresses. Prom dress shopping in high school was a nightmare. I can only imagine how pissed off I will be if I ever look for a wedding dress.

“But Brandy,” you counter, careful to look me in the eyes this time, “why can’t you just buy a strapless bra?”

Because strapless bras were obviously invented by some 34 B chick who wanted to torture us full-figured ladies with a wired contraption that inhibits both breathing and ever letting go of the sides of your dress. I’d like to be holding onto a cocktail, not tugging at my tethered tits all night, thank you very much.

I don’t own strapless bras, or fancy bras, or pretty sheer bras trimmed with lace. They don’t make the delicate, sexy strappy cups in my size. I must have told hundreds of desperate Victoria’s Secret shoppers to look elsewhere to support their massive breasts. We want cute convertibles, but we really need pickup trucks to haul these babies around.

We need to really belt them in—and I do belt them in! I really, really do. I swear to god, I have more support around my chest than Betty White has on Facebook. But the fact of the matter is even when they’re strapped tight against me, I still have huge breasts. I have melons. I have the qualifying skills to be a Hooters waitress.

I also need to exercise more often, an activity that I’ve come to loathe since puberty blessed me with gigantic jugs. Low impact? How about no impact. Even with the tightest sports bra on the market,running is an exercise in futility. Which is to say: I will run about 20 yards before I double over in pain. Think I’m crazy? You try jogging around Manhattan with two ten-pound balloons secured near your lungs and live to write about it. They say New York can be your jungle gym, but I’m still waiting for whoever “they” are to install a few elliptical machines in Central Park.

Of course, having a large rack is not always negative. When it comes to breaking with all my feminist responsibilities, owning a pair of enormous tits is terrific. Men are more likely to hold doors, buy drinks and offer you their seat on the subway. They’re also more likely to hit on you in an incredibly inappropriate manner, treat you like a piece of meat and try to cop a feel.

So is a wired, elastic, slightly minimizing, usually uncomfortable T-shirt bra the product of a masochistic society? Hell no. I will not burn my bra—it would really be lewd, you guys. It would be too much. It would be seriously profane.

Hey! Goddamnit. Eyes up here.

From Our Partners

Share This Post:
  • jen7383

    Brandy– I want to be your new BFF. Being a LARGE chested woman, I can literally relate to every last topic you wrote about above. You articulated a lot of what I think about and feel about myself on a daily basis. I personally hate my boobs… they’re real, and I thank my mother’s genes for them :-/ I would love to have a reduction, and have looked into the procedure, but I’ve been denied by my insurance company 4 times for the surgery. Apparently these 36DDDs aren’t big enough for me to qualify as “medically necessary”. For now, I’ll remain trapped in my own body… but I wanted to THANK YOU for making me feel like I’m not all alone in this boat.

  • realitypossessed

    Brandy– I want to be your new BFF. Being a LARGE chested woman, I can literally relate to every last topic you wrote about above. You articulated a lot of what I think about and feel about myself on a daily basis. I personally hate my boobs… they’re real, and I thank my mother’s genes for them :-/ I would love to have a reduction, and have looked into the procedure, but I’ve been denied by my insurance company 4 times for the surgery. Apparently these 36DDDs aren’t big enough for me to qualify as “medically necessary”. For now, I’ll remain trapped in my own body… but I wanted to THANK YOU for making me feel like I’m not all alone in this boat.

  • m

    While I do not suffer from super large breasts now, my future post-childbearing years promise some serious DD”s according to both sides of the gene pool. Also, my long time best friend has been at her peak a 32F. Showering gave this girl a backache. I get where you lovely women are coming from .

    I also believe every girl should be able to wear sexy lingerie that makes them feel good. Or at least a bra that fits and holds her tits up. With this in mind I want to give you a heads up about figleaves.com They specialize in ordering for large breast sizes. They offer 30J for lord’s sake. And they ship which for my girlfriend meant not needing to hear from yet another sales person “You can’t really be that big” or “we just can’t help you… Have you thought about a reduction?”

    So again- figleaves.com. It may save you. I know it’s gonna save me in a few years. Good luck!

    -m

    -m

  • damnskippy

    I know exactly how you feel — I was your size for years upon years, until I got knocked up and my boobs became heavyweight champs and never EVER went back to their original size. But look, wearing pretty bras isn’t impossible, it’s just expensive. Try an English company called Bravissimo. They cater to full-figured women. I can only afford a bra from them every other month or so, but it is worth every penny. My god. I have LIFT. I have SEPARATION. And my undergarments don’t look like my granny picked ‘em out for me.

  • hellosailor

    I’m an F cup too, seriously. Yet I am so not ready for the harnesses I’m expected to strap into. For some reason the average bra designer has decided that because I’m over a D cup, I must want all my bras to come in huge and tan.
    I love having big breasts, they’re mine, they’re natural, I mean hey what can I do?
    But if I have to pick something to hate, it’s the fact that I pay at least twice as much for all my bras than my friends do. It’s ridiculous.
    Most of the bras I buy come from Freya (awesome, love it), Zabu (a bit cheaper than your average D+ brand), and Fayreform. I buy lots of my bras online.

  • Clairy

    I was just feeling particularly annoyed that a dress that fits me perfectly everywhere else, barely covers my 32G bust, when I did a Google search and came across this article and laughed so much! I have been searching for the perfect Christmas Party dress for weeks, but it seems I will have to either go up a dress size and look like I’m wearing a sack or have my boobs all on show. Everyone else at work have a multitude of strapless party dresses for the occasion, whilst I’m left feeling slightly jealous. The funny thing is, I’m sure they feel a little jealous of my bust, seems we always want what we haven’t got. I wouldn’t resort to surgery though, it seems too risky, though I wouldn’t rule it out if in future I had back pain as a result of them. Thanks for writing this honest, witty article, make me feel a lot happier!

  • Paula

    Try http://www.title9.com for sports bras – they have sports bras that are great for large breasted women – very very little bounce