• Fri, May 28 2010

Handling Drunkenness With Style and Class

COED Magazine, which I promise you I have only read today for the first time, offers up some tips on recovering with your dignity a tiny, tiny bit intact after being blackout drunk. I can tell you that I haven’t been blackout drunk for some time now, but every now and then, when I find myself in really uncomfortable situations, I have been known to order whiskeys in rapid succession with a phony smile plastered to me face, nodding vigorously to keep a conversation going as I slowly descend into abject drunkenness. It’s something I try to avoid, but it happens.

So how to deal with the ensuing happenings, according to a site that probably is written by someone who is blackout drunk?

Well. First of all, this article is clearly written for beginners, because the first piece of advice they give is what to do if you leave your credit cards in a bar.

As Megan Carpentier would say, bitch, please. I’ve left so many credit cards in so many bars it’s amazing that they haven’t spawned and created one massive identity theft of me, slowly draining my measly savings account over and over until I simply give up and hand over my identity in a moment of staunch defeat.

Another possibility — you wake up with someone you don’t know. In that case, their unsurprising advice is to figure out if the person is hot, then decide whether to stay or to bolt. I say, why not try something more interesting? Why not slap on that Richard Nixon mask you have lying around, then lean over them, breathing slowly but loudly, inches away from their face, until they wake up screaming and throw a punch? Then maybe — assuming they’re not hot — you have a lawsuit on your hands and can make some money off the whole ugly situation.

In all seriousness, though, the site does offer up a good suggestion, and that is, leave well enough alone. If you wake up the next morning unable to remember what you did, you will no doubt whip out your phone in a panic, desperately searching for some text messages, photos or voicemails that give you some indication of what went down. Absent those, you will wait all morning (or afternoon) for someone to call you up, super pissed off over something you did or said to them the night before. Absent that phone call, it might be safe to tentatively say that you are in the clear. In that case, suggests COED Magazine, simply let it go. Don’t bring it up, don’t hound your friends for answers, don’t insist that you fucked up and force someone to pretend to be angry with you to satisfy your masochistic side. Just pour yourself a glass of water, take some Advil, and swear that you’ll never do it again.

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