Splice is opening tonight. We caught the screening of it yesterday, and can tell you with authority that it’s better than Sex and the City 2. It also left us feeling really, really uncomfortable. Basically, it details the exploits of two scientists who splice together a human and another made up creature and, I think, quite possibly an antelope and a chicken to create a bizarrely beautiful alien baby who would have a great future as a Louis Vuitton model if only she’d stop ripping animals apart with her teeth. But is it a movie you should see? We have a helpful quiz! Give yourself one point for each question you answer “yes” to.
1) Do you wish you were a scientist who spliced together different creatures to create bizarre alien hybrids?
2) What kind of person DOESN”T secretly want to be a scientist who splices together new alien hybrids? A boring one?
3) Do you enjoy science fiction?
4) Does Adrian Brody still do it for you?
5) Do you think that family relationships are difficult to deal with?
6) When the scientists put their alien baby in a ridiculously ugly dress, are you with someone who will laugh when you mutter “E.T., phone Barney’s?”
7) Are you cool with rape?
8 ) Skinner boxes?
9) Do you wish you looked like a Barbie doll sometimes?
10) Are you an alien baby driven to murderous rage upon realizing you don’t look like a Barbie doll? (You shouldn’t, because you have wings and your eyes are, as the modeling scouts say, Jackie-O-like. Embrace your antelope feet, cool looking alien baby!)
11) Wait, how do you feel about incest? Are you okay with incest?
12) Do you like documentaries where animals engage in fights to the death?
If you said “yes” to 8 or more, we highly recommend it. If you are in the 2 to 8 range, you know what’s still a touching movie? E.T. Also, Gattaca. Good films. Very little rape in those. If you are below 2 then I feel sad that you’ve never even once fantasized about what it would be like to have a cat-platypus-anteater for a pet. Because it would be awesome.