This past week I was going to the beach and decided that instead of looking like my typical hip albino self, I would like to look like a glowing bronzed sun goddess. Obviously, since I am a mole person untouched by the elements it’s not as though the actual sun was going to be involved in this goal. So instead of “tanning” I decided just to buy some lotion from the store and rub it all over myself. It looked nonexistent at first so I smeared it on extra heavy. Then I went to sleep. And then the next morning, I woke up. And I looked like an orange with psoriasis.
That day, I learned valuable lessons about how to get off your horribly misapplied fake tan.
1) Boil yourself: Jump into a tub. A tub filled with hot water. Anything to loosen the skin is good.
2) It rubs the lotion on itself. Specifically, baby lotion.It softens up the skin.
3) Use a loofah. Maybe your first inclination will be to scrub in off up and down motions. This will not work. It will only make it look more streaky. Instead, try to exfoliate in circular motions so it can at least blend a little bit.
4) If life gives you lemons, you should apply them to your streaky fake tan. Lemon juice will lighten the darker areas, and it make it look more “natural” with the rest of your skin.
5) Just give up and buy the tan remover. It works. Not completely, but it works pretty well. I like St. Tropez sunless tan remover. Mostly I like it because they sent some and it was in my medicine cabinet as I was deperately squeezing lemons onto my freshly exfoliated skin.
Bear in mind that all of this will take about an hour, and it will kind of suck. I guess the moral of the story is “don’t apply fake tan lotions horribly.” I’ve found that spray on tans work a lot better in general because, well, at least you can see the process as it’s happening. We recommend Bronze on the Glow by FakeBake. It washes off, which means that you’ll never have to use these five horrible steps at all.