• Wed, Jun 9 2010

The Ladies in Your Box: Kristin Cavallari

Welcome to the Ladies in Your Box, where we explore the women you see every day on TV, what relevance (if any) they have to your life, and what they mean to the world at large. Today, we look at TV’s favorite California be-yotch…

It’s funny that we’ve never covered cast members from “The Hills” or “The City” in this column, when the entire cast — men and women alike — are ripe for cultural examination. Today we’ll take our magnifying glasses to Kristin Cavallari, the OG and the resident evil.

Now, some of us are old enough to remember when Kristin Cavallari first popped her sunny little head up into our boxes. I was but a child of 24, and she was but a child of 17. The time was the early aughts, and the show was “Laguna Beach.” In order to watch it, I had to walk uphill in the snow both ways. Kristin is now 23 (I am miraculously still 24), and my goodness, how times have changed. On “Laguna Beach,” all the girls were still learning how to be reality stars. Sure, they were already snobby, and their hideous SoCal accents were firmly in place. But they had only learned to backstab, shit-talk and manipulate at a high school level. Now it appears that time, plastic surgery, drugs and the Sunset Strip have taught them how to go cable-ready pro.

Kristin is the bitch of the show, and if we’re to complare her to RHNJ castmembers, which, why wouldn’t we?, she is somewhere between Danielle-Staub-delusional and Caroline-Manzo-elitist. There is nothing she won’t do to maintain the affection of her ex, Brody Jenner (WHY?? WHY?? What is the appeal??), including intimidating his other girlfriends, trying to make him jealous, fucking him and leaving him, getting drunk and dancing seductively around him, and trying to convince both herself and anyone who will listen that they are meant for each other, but, like, whatever. Cavallari also isn’t afraid to start fights with other girls in bars, yell at people for no reason, and fly off the handle at the drop of a hat. In other words, her next appearance will be on Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab. And it shouldn’t take long, given how much free time she’ll have once the show finishes up.

Essentially, Kristin is a MySpace profile come to life. She talks as if she’s constantly leaving a message on someone’s wall that will never be read because no one is on Facebook anymore — in other words, she is about two years behind the times (snap!) — she’s loud and tacky, and she’s totally one-dimensional. And frankly, I’m getting kind of tired of seeing these kinds of broads all up in my box — broads that are more interested in controlling the way that they come across than developing the person that they actually are. Ah, the social networking generation. I’m only surprised that Kristin hasn’t declared herself bisexual yet.

Anyway, Ms. Cavallari is, of course, a necessary evil on the show. It’s nothing without a bitch. My question is, does she have anything — anything at all — going for her other than her willingness to play the villain? She was a mini-mankiller on “Laguna Beach,” and not only has it only gotten worse, it’s become the only notable thing about her, aside from her hideous personality. I mean, at least the other Hills cast members have a semblance of likable qualities. I find myself oddly endeared by Audrina; Lo, while banal, has the facade of a job and a purpose (as well as, weirdly, sharing my last name, which implies greatness); and Heidi — well, Heidi has Heidi.

But Kristin seems to be  destined for something very bad, happy as she is to “play the bitch,” and convinced as she seems to be that she is wise to the ways of the world because she trusts no one, hates everyone, and thinks it’s funny to ridicule people and start brawls. Not that I’m some saint — but when you’re acting like a miserable shrew at age 23, when life has really not dealt you that much to complain about, it’s a bad sign.

Anyway, the girls on The Hills frankly represent the worst of what L.A. has to offer to begin with — those horrible, nasal accents, the lack of substance, the superficiality. The fact that Kristin is a bitch on top of all that leaves her with no redeeming qualities.

Final verdict? Kristin Cavallari: the girl you hope no one looks up to.

The Ladies in Your Box will be back next week. Stay tuned.

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