• Fri, Jun 11 2010

Allie Brosh Presents: The Weasel Belt

Are you one of the millions of people frustrated by get-thin-quick schemes?  Sick of buying every vibrating belt, shaking weight and diet pill you come across only to be devastated by the total lack of results?  Well, you might be surprised to hear that there are at least three products that GUARANTEE results!  Here is the first in a three-part, educational series on these wonderful products!

The Weasel Belt is a revolutionary new product that uses the wonders of weasels to whittle your waist!  Was that egregious alliteration annoying? You bet it was!

Anyway, the Weasel Belt works by attaching a cage-like structure to your abdomen and then releasing several live, rabid weasels into the enclosure.  You don’t even have to do anything!  You just sit there and let the weasels gnaw your love handles away!

The weasels used in Weasel Belt are genetically engineered to have a deficiency in the appetite-regulating hormone leptin, so they’re always hungry!  You can use Weasel Belt any time of the day or night.

There are three settings on Weasel Belt:  Beginner, Intermediate and HOLY SHITBALLS THEY’RE EATING MY COLON!!!!  MAKE THEM STOP!!! I DON’T WANT THIS PRODUCT ANYMORE!!!  OH GOD, THEY’VE ESCAPED INTO MY CHEST CAVITY AND NOW THEY ARE EATING MY HEART AND I AM ALMOST DEAD!! WHAT ARE THEY DOING!!!????  WHAT ARE THEY DOING??!!! WHAT ARE THEY DOING?? OH GOD NO!!!!!

The level you choose is entirely dependent on your pain tolerance and how thin you want to be.  Do you want to be just a spinal cord and a few vertebrae in the middle?  No problem.  You can literally be as thin as you want when you use Weasel Belt.   You can be so thin that you don’t even have legs anymore because weasels ate your entire midsection and therefore there is nothing left to attach legs to your body!  Look as hard as you want, but you won’t find any bullshit diet drug that can do that for you.

The best part about Weasel Belt is that you are using your corpulent body to feed hungry, homeless weasels. Every weasel used in Weasel Belt was personally rescued from a life of hardship by Sarah Mclachlan and part of the purchase price of Weasel Belt will go toward funding future weasel rescues. So basically we’re telling you that you can be as thin as you want without moving a muscle and you can help small, adorable animals.

What the hell are you waiting for? Order Weasel Belt now!

Please stay tuned next week for way too much information on another product that will make you thin almost instantly!

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  • porkchop

    I don’t recommend this product. Weasel Belt took so long to ship that by the time it arrived, most of the weasels were dead. Not only did the remaining weasels NOT have rabies, they spent most of their time in the enclosure fighting each other and peeing on my sweatshirt. Weasel Belt has refused to compensate me for my damaged clothing or even give me a refund. This product does not work!

  • brandyalexander

    I love the weasel belt! I dropped two dress sizes in OH MY FUCKING GOD GET THEM OFF ME–

  • lham

    Don’t buy this! My weasels are defective. They just sit around staring lovingly into each other’s eyes even in Holy Shit mode. What’s wrong? I need to lose 50 size NOW!!!!

  • cellogirl

    As a Weasel-American who recently lost my sister to rabies, I am deeply offended by this post.

  • kanadian

    CHECK THE SMALL PRINT BEFORE ORDERING!!!!!!!!

    I quote “The manufacturer reserves the right to substitute other small mammals when the market price of weasles becomes prohibitive to production” ! Mine came with a pair of lethargic guinea pigs and a chinchilla! The chinchilla keeps falling out of the belt-box enclosure and I have to feed them all kibble from the pet store.

    I ordered The Original Weasle Belt “now with more weasles” and I got a Tickle Belt!!!!!

  • nzmoores

    As President of the United States (POTUS), I hereby pledge that every obese American will be given his or her own Weasel Belt – or even two or three if they eat at Taco Bell a lot. The Weasel Belt will be integral to the anti-obesity program within the National Health Plan. And because we need to think creatively, we have people investigating whether Weasel Belts could also help with the oil spill. If they can be resized and converted to Weasel Head Bands, we think they would be perfect for BP executives. It would help them clear their minds and attend to the enormous problems at hand.
    http://nodavebarry.blogspot.com/

  • Kara @ Curious Tales of a Southern Life

    OMG, I just laughed so hard I nearly peed on myself!

  • fat man

    IM NOT fAT ANYMORE THANKS TO THIS GREAT NEW TECHNOLOGY CALLED THE WEEZEL BELT!

  • Lex

    So, this exists. As a real life sport. Called Ferret Legging. GOOD LORD PEOPLE BE CRAZY.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ferret_legging

  • Bec

    Five please!

  • BethatCritterCamp

    We rescue weasels and would like to be first in line to get some of those ginormous profits promised to rescues! http://www.refresheverything.com/crittercampsanctuary

  • Lizzylu

    Sarah Mclachlan! LMAO! She can kiss my butt- it is because of her and that commercial that I donate $20 a month, even though I have a house full of adopted animals! Good grief- Allie, you are so funny it hurts.

  • KATattack

    Has PETA sued you yet? We are now facing a torrent of fat, rabid weasels set loose after belt usage is complete! They are taking over the streets and all the stray cats have been eaten. This product should be banned!

  • Ana

    It SCARY!

  • http://www.facebook.com/nOnSeNsEismyMIDDLENAME Nali Mikely

    want