• Fri, Jun 11 2010

The Manswer: Getting You Laid in the Next Few Weeks

Image via Frankthetank.com

Jennifer Wright’s fascinating piece on excuses to tell your man when he wants sex and you don’t was a slightly terrifying read for me. I’ve always known that I am a special man, a super man if you will, and accordingly, I’ve never been told by a woman whom I’m frequently sleeping with that she is not interested in the sex (unless I blocked it out). No headaches, no UTIs, no “not while my parents are in the next room” (I aim young). I’m terrified because I wonder if this means I’m not trying to have enough sex. Psych!
Anyhow, the only times I’m ever given the “it’s that special time” excuse is at the end of first dates and generally it comes from a girl whose shrill Long Island brogue (“I’M ON MUH PIRRY-YAD!”) makes me not want to have sex with her anyway. (Note: And when it really is “that time” two weeks later, I immediately break up because there are women I suspect are constantly menstruating and even if she was lying the first time around, once that fear has been designated, there’s no forgetting it. Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote a book about it.)

So look, I don’t want to talk about not having sex. I want to talk about you gettin’ yours (which only helps my cause in life), so let’s forgo the intergender pussyfooting and talk about how you can get some sex from a reasonable guy in the next few weeks.

Ladies, ladies, there is a full moon over Weinerville right now! June 2010 represents the nexus of rare sporting instances during which men are extremely vulnerable and will sleep with a cool chick and be somewhat human about it for once. Is it because Entourage is coming back on the air? No. And if you meet a guy who still watches Entourage, he is probably going to try and drug you so watch out for that.

Why is this month different from all other months? The NBA Finals (basketball) are in full effect and the World Cup (soccer) is here after four years of waiting. I feel you buzzing with excitement across the expanses of the internets. Hear me out, okay?

The NBA Finals is interesting this year. The Los Angeles Lakers and the Boston Celtics are tied at two games apiece in a best-of-seven series and a lot of reasonable guys are watching because it’s a storied rivalry. Basketball is an easy sport for women who are anti-sport to garner an interest in: it’s not slow like baseball, there are no helmets so you can see the players and get a sense of their personalities, and the game features more improvisational play so guys watching tend to be less sanctimonious about it than other sports.

Here’s what you do: Pick one team. LA or Boston. Come up with a good reason to root for them (jersey colors and hot players are slaps in the face to guy fans). If you have to lie, try this: “I like LA because I really think Kobe Bryant is the best player ever.” (You’ll probably never have to defend this position and if someone challenges you, just say: “watch him play” and the guy will probably shut up.) Or “I love Boston because they have real fans and a great basketball tradition.” The dude’ll be impressed.

Go to a place where people are watching the game. Root for your team. Seem invested in the game. Pick up a guy who’s rooting for the other team by making a salacious bet on the outcome of the game. Or pick up a fellow fan who will think it’s hot that you like his team. Flirt during the commercial breaks. Sleep with him. Repeat.

The World Cup is even easier. Pick a team (using the aforementioned method). Go to a place where the games are being played. Ask a guy who he’s got going all the way. Let him bore you with his answers. Ask whether he thinks soccer is going to ever become popular in America. North American men know less about soccer than most other international men, so it’s practically a cultural event. Flirt during commercial breaks (though there are many less in soccer). Sleep with him. Repeat.

It’s that simple. And on top of that (err…), by virtue of there being commercial breaks, you can actually vet the guy and move on if you aren’t into his real world game. But remember: this month is not about the real world; it’s about exploiting a window in which guys are accessible about some stuff. And having sex. Unless you have a headache.

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  • eEv

    This is the same crappy advice we get from women’s magazines: “pretend to be interested in what he’s interested in so he’ll like you!” Except in this case it’s “sleep with you.” If a woman likes sports/ a particular team and can get into a guy’s pants based on that, great. But faking an interest in order to get someone to sleep with you is just as creepy when a woman does it as when a guy does it. Furthermore, I have a problem with the whole concept of these “Manswer” columns. Adam Chandler does not speak for all men. No man speaks for all men. And the whole “I have a penis, ladies, so I can tell you how to behave in every situation regarding anyone else with a penis” is ridiculous. I really enjoy The Gloss, but these columns just seem very out of place here.

  • Jen Dziura

    A “full moon over Weinerville” just makes me think the weiner is menstruating. This metaphor hurts.

  • Thehawk

    I like Adam’s advice here because the joke is on the men. How predictable are some guys that we can just fake liking sports during world cup season and pretty much get laid by whoeva, wheneva. Think of all the guys who fake like watching “gossip girl” or “grey’s anatomy” just to be more appealing and get some action in bed? It’s a power play by girls who just want to get laid like adam says

  • Kate

    It’s funny, I was JUST reading an article about this on this cool site called TheGloss:

    http://thegloss.com/sex-and-dating/confirmed-men-dont-like-it-when-you-pretend-to-share-their-interests/

    Seriously with this? We know. If we’re really fans, we’re already at the bar. If we’re not, we know a million ways to get you to sleep with us without having to watch f*cking hours of sports we don’t care about. If we’re not fans and don’t have our own natural game, there are two dozen women’s magazines that have been shouting this exact same advice at us every month since we were 15. This month and every month is taking place in the real world; the only people off in fantasyland are little boys who don’t deserve to get laid. Sorry, you’re a good writer, but I hate that this POS story has now officially been written for the millionth time in history.

  • Who Wants To Get Laid

    If you really want to get laid leave a comment telling about yourself. Also leave some means of contact information. You never know you may be able find that special someone!!!!!!!!

    Just follow my link http://whowantstogetlaid.blogspot.com/

    • Jen Dziura

      Yes, leaving your contact information in the comments of a single-post blogspot blog is clearly the very best way to get someone to have sex with you. This is a truly invaluable resource in a world otherwise devoid of mating techniques.