• Fri, Jun 18 2010

Allie Brosh Presents: The Flattner (With Bonus U-Skinny Rope!)

Remember when we talked about the Weasel Belt?  That was so much fun!! Ah, memories. But the fun isn’t over yet!  This week, we’ll be highlighting the next line of products in our three-part weight-control extravaganza!

Introducing…

This is pure, hard science, folks.  When God made gravity, He obviously intended for it to be used for something.  Well, we’ve finally discovered what that might be!  Did you know that when gravity is paired with something heavy, it can be used to flatten things?  This principle can be applied to the field of weight-loss science, and that’s exactly what we’ve done with The Flattener!

Simply lie on the ground and place The Flattener on your stomach.  You may want to keep a cell phone handy, as the amount of gravity contained within The Flattener has been known to cause rupture and extreme gastric bleeding and if that happens to you, there’s no way you’ll be able to get to a phone.  You’re pretty much just stuck on the floor until someone comes to help you.  That is one of the major downsides of The Flattener; a kink we’re still trying to work out.

Anyway, you may be thinking to yourself, “Well, sure, The Flattener will completely obliterate any hint of belly fat I may have once had, but can it also flatten my giant head?”  And the answer is “Yes!”

We have created The Flattener for Faces, which is suitable for use on heads and faces.  DO NOT use the original Flattener on your face or head.  It contains far more gravity and it will ruin your skull and your brain, not to mention your facial structure.

The Flattener for Faces may impair your ability to communicate using facial expressions, so we’ve included a set of face paints.  Simply paint the expression you wish to adopt on your face.   When you no longer wish to have that expression, wipe it off with the included towelette.

If you lead an active lifestyle that is at least somewhat dependent on your ability to remain upright yet still want all the benefits of the flattener, we’ve designed a device just for you!

The U-Skinny-Rope is not dependent on gravity, so you can use it without having to lie motionless on the ground!  Just think of all the opportunities this will open up for you!  Dancing, skydiving, rock climbing, bull riding, laser tag – you can do it all* and still look fabulous with the U-Skinny-Rope.

*U-Skinny-Rope may impair your ability to breathe.  Please do not use during long distance running or other endurance sports.  Also not recommended for SCUBA diving.

So what are you waiting for?  Order now!  We accept all major credit cards.  We are also open to bartering.

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  • ann whittaker

    Oh I was in perfect shape for 30 years. I was always so proud of my body movement after 21 years of ballet. I’m now 53 years old. What is my concern now? I was in July (last year 2009) in a horrible accident, some guy (that was showing off he said, for his son) He hit me in a 45mph street at 110mph and tore my car in half. He took from me that night, my mind my life and my job and car and the place I lived in. I woke up after in a hospital after 4-weeks in a coma to therapy to learn to walk again. I had a brain injury and a week entire right side and blurry vision in my right eye. I spend day after day in an adult home. I have been told what to eat what to think and I have had all gods given rights taken away. I try each day to stand up and turn into a circle. I feel a lack of strength and mobility as I have never had before. I woke up and lost Ann #1 and I’m left with a overweight 190lb unhealthy body. I wish to somehow loose this weight and get into shape. I miss me so much and the feeling of just putting on my cloths and going somewhere to spend the day. Thank you for doing what you do.

    • james

      cool story, bro.

    • Jezebella

      Ann, I am so sorry for your trauma. I want to say to you: you are still YOU, even fat, even disabled, you haven’t lost “yourself”. I hope you find a way to get into a living situation where you have the right to make your own decisions and think your own thoughts, because it is not okay for others to take that away from you just because your body has changed.

    • swampthing

      I’d like to nominate Anne as the ultimate thread thief of all time. Congratulations! Please pick up your giant tear-shaped trophy. (It’s stage front and center, of course. Where else would you want to be?)

    • Boogerbear

      Ann, I’m sorry to hear about what happened to you. But there’s not a guaranteed tomorrow, and just live each day to the fullest. That accident could have left you dead, but you’re alive! Yes, you aren’t in the same shell that you were in before the accident, but weight can be lost, and physical therapy can help you with your movements. Positive thought can cure most of your problems.

      Also, I’d like to reccomend a website for you. http://grouphug.us is a good website where you can enter your thoughts, fears, and feelings without any judgement or worry. Plus, you can get everything off your chest without bringing everyone down.

    • Hiro Protagonist

      Right on, swamptthing. This was so totally, totally the wrong and inappropriate place for Ann to post all that. Killed Allie’s usually-hopping comments thread. Sorry for her pain, but sheesh.

    • michelle

      You guys, surely this is a joke? I mean seriously, who would post something that horrible on a humor blog?

    • Jennifer Wright

      I vote “not sure that was a joke.”

  • AwesomelookingFace

    Hmm I dont know what could follow that. But I did figure out today that having a barbell tied to my genitals all day is harder than it sounds and doesn’t seem as effective as I was informed it would be.

  • Emmeline

    ooh! this is the answer to all my problems!.. I constantly worry about people noticing my fat belly! … and recently I got a haircut that well, is less-than flattering for my face( makes it look perfectly round)
    so… would you take a bear rug and a free tattoo in exchange?
    btw, you are awesome and brilliant. I especially enjoy your post about ALOTS ….. now whenever my friends and I hear somebody say “a lot”, we all pause for a moment to imagine what that particular alot would look like. This often results in us laughing uncontrollably.

  • Scott

    You’ve done it again Allie – awesome work! I think the Flattener for Faces is the best invention ever as long as you don’t mind cerebral bleeding and/or skull crushing!

  • eve165

    sidebar… but your side effect is also an amazing weight loss technique. throwing up is very effective.

  • Michelle Oleson

    Dear Allie,

    That is a fantastic blog with wonderful products I shall look into procuring! I especially like the U-Skinny-Rope! I believe All the Single Ladies could be adapted for a commercial. It would go…
    All the Skinny ladies (7x) /
    Cuz if you liked it then you should have put a rope roun’ it /
    If you liked it then you should have put a rope roun’ it /
    Don’t be mad once you see that I’m-Skinny /
    If you like it then you should have put a rope roun’ it /
    Oh oh oh, I can’t breathe… /
    Oh, oh, oh.

  • Dan

    WANT!

  • Elaine

    At last something that will really work! I like that these are all natural products, too. You’re hilarious as usual.

  • Jen

    Ann thanked Allie for doing what she does, probably for making her laugh. Also, Ann related to this because of what happened in her life. I praise her for speaking her mind, and telling her story. Now she knows about grouphug.us! It’s all good!

    Ann – I wish you the best, and I reccomend you reading “Happy for No Reason”. There are many stories similiar to yours, and how they’ve coped with that happened to them. Also, “Journey of Souls” would be a great book for you to read.

    Allie – you are the most hilarious person I know of. Thanks for making us all LOAO!

    Peace, light and love!

  • nzmoores

    I had a wardrobe malfunction. I accidentally put The (patented) Allie Brosh Flattener on top of my (Allie Brosh patented) Weasel Belt. I think maybe I left too much gravity in the Flattener. Can I have a refund on my Weasel Belt. It’s sort of a reddish Gerbil Sock Garter now.

  • JRM

    I find the like blog good. It is very good product thing.

    Also good product thing from us: Kindoki Foot Pads, which take away toxins from feet. Guaranteed to work if your money is paid to us. Kindoki Foot Pads take away lead and also red blood cells contaminated by flattening from flattener. Also sop up extra unflattened blood cells from flattened belly and can be pushed back into body!

    Buy now!

  • Geoff

    “That is one of the major downsides of The Flattener; a kink we’re still trying to work out.”

    Duh, the solution is obvious: just include a built-in cellphone with The Flattener. Alternatively, use a phone booth as a two-in-one solution. Rural users (and who wouldn’t want to look fabulous for the upcoming Spring Barn Dance Extravaganza?) away from any decent fixed-line option can simply use the gravitational powers of an entire mobile phone tower – guaranteed reception no matter how far you are in the middle of nowhere! The “tower method” has the added benefit of using the healing powers of radiation to gently exfoliate aged skin and reduce the appearance of wrinkles by up to 9000%!

  • http://www.facebook.com/nOnSeNsEismyMIDDLENAME Nali Mikely

    The rope is a corset