Why It’s Probably Safer to Jump Into Oncoming Traffic Than Attend a Bridal Sample Sale

I mean, I think the headline speaks for itself, but in case you’re wondering, I’ll elaborate.

I just found out that Monique Lhullier is having a massive sample sale in downtown L.A. this Sunday. Honestly, can you imagine anything more horrifying? I know some women — who shall remain nameless — who have literally turned into people I no longer recognize over the course of planning their wedding. And many psychologists will tell you that any human is capable of anything, given the right circumstances. All that said, I think that I MIGHT DIE if I went to a bridal sample sale.

I’m not exaggerating. In the face of wedding dresses, women have been known to exhibit strong emotions — emotions unlike any they’ve felt before for a dress. Those emotions can lead to strange behavior: a schoolteacher who makes $30,000, and who sometimes doesn’t go to the movies because it’s too expensive, paying over $2,000 for a dress she will only wear once. Women who have struggled to lose weight for their entire lives suddenly completely altering their lifestyles and eating habits to drop 60 pounds. And so I’m saying — how do you know that under the right circumstances, when faced with the right dress for the right price, this behavior couldn’t turn into MURDER?

That’s right. You don’t. And so I will not be attending this sale, thank you very much. I may, however, watch it out the window of the same friend’s apartment from which I viewed the chaos and destruction following the Lakers’ NBA victory. It remains to be seen which will be more riotous.

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