• Fri, Jun 25 2010

Why I Hate Everyone Who Likes Bret Easton Ellis

Bret Easton Ellis is a douchebag.

No.

If you like Bret Easton Ellis, you are a douchebag.

It baffles me as to how many of you self-obsessed morons have deluded yourselves into actually thinking you have anything in common with that world or the people who reside in it. And I am even more dumbfounded by how many of you think that by liking Bret Easton Ellis you are this literary insider in a back room where everyone drinks heavily, smokes Parliaments, and laughs at the “ignorance” of modern American society. You are absofuckinglutely not. You are a douchebag.

And that goes for you Jay McInerney enthusiasts as well.

Hell, I shouldn’t have to defend my blanket statement as this is the sensational age of internet where anyone is able to make generalities, but I’ll go ahead and do it. It’ll be fun, like telling my girlfriend she should consider hiring a trainer. That the elliptical is only going to help so much. That the cupcake she splurged on isn’t going to pack its bags and leave on its own, but that I will.

You may be able to be that kid in high school, carrying around your unread paperback copy of Less than Zero to your honors English class, or even stretch it into college when you shit on everyone tailgating the football game from your Facebook page while drinking PBR and listening to Antlers. But sooner or later you’re going to stumble into the real world where you are no longer able to hide behind those wayfarers and must confront that bisexual, drug-addicted reflection, that whole Yale thing, staring back at you from the mirror in the bathroom at Home Sweet Home or Dorian’s.

I don’t buy into that jaded youth bullshit. Who the fuck do you think you are? Clay? Well, when was the last time you watched your friends sodomize pre-pubescent girls? And making chauvinistic comments to the 22-year old Loyola grad at Brass Monkey while your Brown girlfriend is back home watching Clockwork Orange doesn’t mean you’re on your slow descent into insanity, or that you’re “the man.” She has herpes and you’re going to be itching your balls for the rest of your life if they don’t fall off.

Face it, most of you Oliver Peoples-wearing, Goldman Sachs-duffel-toting summer interns read Ellis (or more than likely have watched the movie versions) because Clay and the Batemans is your way of vicariously fulfilling some misplaced childhood fantasy that you had of being a disaffected, coke-addled introvert, wandering aimlessly at three in the morning while having these profound insights as to why you’ll never be happy. VICARIOUSLY.

Other than asking your barber for that layered haircut, you dumbshits are too scared to actually do the damn thing. It isn’t hard to find a ball and purchase a few sharp knives or a gun. I’ll hold my tongue, shit, I’ll cut if off when you or your best friend is shooting up and whoring yourself out.

Until then, shut up. Quit quoting Christian Bale. Stop referencing Ellis as your favorite author. And for god’s sake, go to sleep. You’re throwing up all over a good library of work.

Now please excuse me while I go polish off this gram in the office bathroom. Everyone’s looking at me and all I’m trying to do is fit in.

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  • porkchop

    I feel your pain. I really do. I know it’s galling that Ellis is being handsomely paid to tolerate the legions of d-bags who congratulate themselves for noticing how clever he is while you’re the one who actually has to run into said bags in your real life. But hey! Maybe those people really ARE alone, unhappy, too weak to live hard and too slow to articulate their thoughts. I’m sorry you’re surrounded by people who have so little disillusionment cred, but do you have to pick on them? I mean LOOK at them. That’s mean.

  • Eileen

    Dear Michael,

    Will you marry me?

    I hate BEE and have hated everything about him and the people who claim to like him since the first page of Less Than Zero, which was force-fed on me just over four years ago.

  • Trent

    Wow dude. It sounds like, perhaps, you got your ass kicked by a Bret Easton Ellis fan. Maybe you’re one of those idiots tailgating at the football game and you finally got your shit handed to you by some frail wannabe literary character. I find it funny how you slipped that in there; somehow thinking that being a meat-head football fan is somehow better than the idiots that think they are Clay Easton or Patrick Bateman. There is no difference between the two. Or, hell, maybe you’re a character from one of Ellis’ novels and you’re tired of people biting your style so therefore your defense is to call Ellis fans douchebags.

    Since you don’t buy into that whole “jaded youth bullshit” and you’re obviously way too cool to laugh at the irony in any of the material provided by Ellis or even McInerney, what do you buy into, cool guy? Perhaps it’s not the youth part of that equation but maybe just the jaded bullshit aspect that you buy into. Am I wrong? The fact that you took the time to piss and moan about stupid fans of some author without any sense of how vapid and meaningless your words are completely negates your argument. Oh, wait, I get it. You, yourself, are being ironic… kinda like an Antlers record, right?

  • Brian

    You’re a douchebag Michael. The man is a major literary talent. You are a undeserving, narcissistic journalist writing perhaps the most meaningless article I’ve read since this morning’s Perez Hilton update. You’re a pretentious prick.

  • D

    I’ve never fought a fascist overlord in space but I still like Star Wars

  • glynn

    wow.

    I really liked American Psycho.
    I have shot up and whored myself out.
    Just please nail your tongue somewhere prominent, so we’ll know that you have the balls to back up your words.

    Pretentious people read books.
    So what if it’s because someone else told them they would be cool if they were to do so.

    At least they’re reaing books.

    I really like Chuck Palahniuk too.

  • BlackDynamite1603

    If your hungry….why dont you get a job. YOU FUCKING NIGGER?!?!?!?!

  • Amy T

    Bret is a massive faggot.

  • Deming

    This was genius. Very, very funny….in a meta-squared kind of way.

  • someone else

    I never read LTZ and haven’t seen the movie in a few years. (Wow, Rob Downey Jr. really showing his acting depth here, playing a 20-something coke addict…). I have to say I just didn’t get it, that it seemed kind of like naval-gazing about Ellis’ community of upper-middle-class college party kids, a “Great Gatsby” for the Decade of Decadence. But since this is the guy who wrote American Psycho, as a young woman I have to say wtf is wrong with this dude?

    I didn’t grow up in the ’80s (lol, wasn’t even born), and so yeah, maybe I don’t get the irony of LTZ or Bright Lights Big City. My HS AP English teacher had a discussion about “the modern zeitgeist,” a word I confess I had to look up — we were reading “The Corrections,” and I have to say I find a lot of this stuff pretentious and sprawling and utterly boring. Ellis and Franzen and whoever that guy is with the unpronounceable name that made a “book trailer” with James Franco, they’re not for everyone, and I would say not for most people except upper-middle-class ’80s hipsters who “dig” literary narcissism and are all out getting their MFAs. Which is clearly more like part of the “one percent.”

    I get much more enjoyment experiencing the ’80s culture of excess watching an old Poison video. This snooze-fest hipster literary junk is worth somewhere between less than zero and a negative Google.

    @Trent Lol, when you said Patrick Bateman, I thought you were referring to some long-lost relative of Jason and Justine :)

  • EVILGUBLERNATION

    I love you so much, and I love that you’re a man.

  • Stuart Nunn

    Forgive me for pointing out this major flaw in your article, but despite the title, you haven’t actually explained why you hate Ellis fans. All you’ve done is further elaborate (through a string of offensive language, generalisation, and unprovoked assault) that you do hate them. Also, this article is based on a ridiculous foundation. As D says, just because you enjoy a work of fiction doesn’t mean you want to be the characters in it. I enjoy 127 Hours, I don’t want to one day be forced to cut my own arm off. Just because I enjoy Rain Man, doesn’t mean that I wish I was autistic. And finally, to put this in a literary context, just because I enjoy the Bell Jar doesn’t mean I want to kill myself (or even other people, and American Psycho, not that you’d take my opinion into account).

  • Ashley

    I am guilty of listening to the Antlers and thinking I’m a rich kid with coke. I don’t hate Bret Easton Ellis and I don’t think you do either. However, all your points are valid and make one hell of an article.

  • LOLUSEEMMAD?

    Watch out, we have a bad-ass over here ^

  • Forrest

    You will waste away in anonymity with your talentless imitation of Ellis’ writing.

  • dinmor

    Sounds gay bra

  • author

    you missed the point… did you actually read BEE?