• Fri, Jul 2 2010

Share Your Bad Bikini Wax Stories, Win A Copy of ‘Waxed’ (Our Favorite Summer Beach Read)

If you’re a regular bikini waxer, you’ve probably had at least one terrifying experience. Still, we doubt your story can beat the one detailed in Robert Rave’s new Summer read, Waxed. Enjoy the excerpt below, and share your stories in the comments! We’ll pick a winner next week and send you a copy of the saucy, sassy novel which details the lives of three sisters running a high end bikini wax salon in New York (in stores August 3rd).

When I rang the door, this old gray-haired Russian woman answered and didn’t say a word, just pointed behind me.  She quickly stepped outside and shut the front door—clearly hiding me from someone or someone from me.  She led me back down her front steps and into her garage.”

“Her garage?” Stacy gasped, leaning back in her chair, the tension and painful memories of her past sexual history slowly beginning to dissipate.

“She opens the door and there is this old, coffee-stained sheet that separated a beat-up old Buick from the rest of the garage.  She pointed at two card tables stuck next to one another and motioned for me to lie down.  Again, she didn’t say a word.  I’m not even sure she spoke English.  I removed my mini-skirt and reluctantly climbed up on the wobbly tables.  Honestly, it was so disgusting—dirty with dried wax and various stains so gross they looked like you could catch an STD simply by looking at them.”  Sofia’s mind goes back to the grungy garage, and she can feel her skin against the rough wood.  She inadvertently begins to itch the base of her neck with her index finger as if she feels the reused wax scraping against her bare flesh.

“I sat there with my panties on and waited as Mrs. Mickic put a sauce pan on an old electric hot plate and melted some wax. She looked like she was cooking Sunday dinner!  She told me to lie back flat, so I did.  And the next thing I know, she’s ripping my panties off without warning.  Then she turned on the AM radio and it was some preacher talking about the sins of the flesh.”

“Nooo!  It’s like a horror movie!” Stacy was into it now.

“Tell me about it. Here I am, lying naked on a table, about to have my privates tidied up, and there’s some preacher screaming about the evils of sex.  A few seconds later, she slopped the wax on with a BUTTER KNIFE.  Yes, I said a butter knife.  I will only eat foods that can be cut with a fork to this day.”  Sofia pauses and pictures the tarnished, silver knife dripping with glue, and quivers.  She snaps out of it and continues.  “Then she began to rip the paper off with no advance notice.  At one point, I thought she ripped my entire lady bits off with the paper.”  Stacy grimaces.  “Anyway, she continued to go back and forth from the electric plate and dripping the hot wax both on the floor and my inner thigh.  She was silent the entire time. Until…”

“Until, what?” Stacy says, eyes widening.

“All of the sudden, in broken English, she starts singing Rip it. Rip it real good to the melody of the old eighties song “Whip It” by the group Devo. You know the one, right?”  Sofia sings the melody and Stacy nods in excitement.

“Shut up!”

“Never.  You know the part where they shout out ‘Crack that Whip!’?  In her bad English and all of her gray-haired glory, Mrs. Mickic sang “‘Wax that Strip!’”

From Our Partners

Share This Post:
  • Grace

    I don’t have any stories that outrageous. Although I did get a burn once and that sucked.

  • Vicky

    In college I was going to this waxer at a salon close to campus. One day when I came in for my appointment she was completely out of it and mumbling under breath. When I asked her what was wrong she said that she has just gotten back from a party in which she drank too much and smoked 5 bowls. After the Bikini wax she tried to wax my eyebrows to make more money and I told her no and left the waxing room. As I was being rung up, she passed out in the waiting room. She was later fired for other issues and I didn’t set foot in that salon for two years.

  • corporate tool

    The closest I come is the fact that I have a belly ring (I know, classy), and once as she was about to get down to business, my waxer noticed it and said “sexy.”

    Never have I felt less sexy, or comfortable.

  • foxyspoon

    Not nearly as horrifying as the above, but on my very first foray into genital waxing, I did have a mishap. My boyfriend and I were wandering the drugstores late at night, when I spied a wax kit on sale for half price. I raised my eyebrow and looked at him, and said “you ever wax down there…?” he got this grin on his face and said, “I’ll do it if you do it.” So we rang it up, headed back to my place and I read through all the instructions. I then decided that I couldn’t possibly just tear it off myself, so I asked my boyfriend to do the dirty work for me. This was one of the least-sexy nights of my life.

    The first few strips smarted, as they tend to do, but after a while I just became a bit numb to it all and tried to focus on other things, such as having a conversation. We were at the bitter end, finally, and my boyfriend applied the last strip of wax… directly to my clitoris. I had no idea that he was so close to the man in the little boat until it the wax strip was being yanked off, and I had the sensation that all my lady-parts were going to go with it. I screeched out in pain at this, understandably.

    After a few moments to calm myself down, I told my boyfriend to strip. A deal’s a deal, right? He did so, and I noticed with humor that his penis, which is normally an average size, had seemed to withdraw into his body. I didn’t even have to say anything, he just looked into my eyes, terrified, and said, “it’s scared”. Still, I insisted he at least try it. So I applied one small strip just medial of his hip bone and pulled. He screamed out, then grabbed his clothes and put them on. I felt totally cheated on it, but at least later we could laugh about it.

  • Carrie

    My very first time getting waxed I found out I was alergic to Aloe. Can you imagine? I was all excited I was getting a full brazilian as a surprise for my boyfriend. So, once she was all done waxing me she put the aloe on and I was on fire! Now, I know how the jocks felt when they realized they had ICY/Hot in their cup.. So, I asked is this supposed to burn? She said no, why. I said I’m on fire!!! So, she gave me a cool cloth to wipe it off with and used vitamin E from then on. Unfortunately for my boyfriend I didn’t want to be touched for about 3 or 4 days… Let’s just say I make sure nothing has aloe in it before the waxing starts now.

  • Maryanne

    I have 2 stories:

    * Went in 2002 when the Brazilian was becoming the rage to J. Sisters who claim to have invented the Brazilian wax. J. Sisters was being touted in all the magazines as THE place to get one. J. Sisters at the time did their waxes in cubicles that were only about 6 feet high in the same room as they did their pedicures. So as you sat getting a pedi or waiting for your turn you heard the wax strips at work and people gasping in pain! What was amusing as well were all the ladies getting their pedis or reading magazines pretending not to hear their sisters in obvious pain in the cubicles right there in next to them. It was ghastly and rather gross.
    * My last Brazilian for quite a while (had to recover from this one) was caused by the fact that however they did it, my labia developed scabs!
    Now I no longer do, what SJP put so well, any “funny stuff” down there. Be kind to your lady parts.

  • AlrightNow

    Alright, as mortifying as this is, here goes. I went in for my first wax post baby. I know some women continue doing it throughout, but that wasn’t for me. I was literally on the way home from my six weeks post-delivery (C-section) visit, cleared for sex, and feeling ready to feel like “me” again. So, naturally, I stopped at the spa to get a Brazilian. I had indulged in a latté on the way, so when I arrived I was already feeling a little hot and antsy from the caffeine, not to mention that it was July in Texas.

    My waxer was great. She was kind, quick, efficient. Great first time wax after a nearly year long break. As she was working, though, my hands started getting really sweaty, and my stomach kept flip-flopping. I assumed it was a combo of nervousness and caffeine. “Surely,” I thought to myself, “this will be over quickly and I can drink some water and I will be fine.” Fast forward to the car ride home. My stomach had momentarily settled after the waxing was finished, but after a few minutes in the car, it started roiling with fury. i was less than a mile from the house, but stuck in a construction zone, with only two lanes of traffic that were heavily congested. This is when I realize that I’m about to have a bathroom emergency.

    In an area of brand new development, there were no storefronts open that I could go to. After sitting in one spot for about five minutes, I seriously considered throwing the car into park, à la “Everybody Hurts,” and running to the construction workers’ port-a-potty. I quickly nixed this idea, however, when I realized, with horror, that I might not make the jog and all of the other drivers would see me and realize what was going on. Drumming my fingers frantically on the steering wheel, I resolved to accept the grim future-I was about to experience adult incontinence.

    So, to recap: freshly waxed nether region + unspeakable bodily refuse + the steamy hot shower you should never take after a wax = follicular nightmare.

  • Tonilynn

    My first (and last) experience with waxing went like this: It started when the Nads craze was going on, I was too broke to order that so I went to my local Walmart and got a self waxing kit. When I got home I read the directions and got myself ready, put on the wax put on the strip and ripped! Omg, it hurt! Anyways I look at the strip and realize there is no hair on it, looked down and you could see a huge bruise forming! So stupid me figured I done it wrong, re-read directions and tried it again on the other side. Guess what! Same thing happened again! Needless to say I was purple down there for a month!!! Think I’ll stick to the razors!

  • Sarah

    I waxed my legs and used nair on them in the same day…..not a good idea. I still have the burn scars to prove it. I have no idea what made me try them both:)

  • Lesley

    Today was my first wax experience ever. It was for a brazilian. While I was very nervous about the whole thing and unsure of what to expect, I knew I could trust the beauty therapist because I’d gone to her for other treatments and she was very good. The waxing started and it hurt like hell but I expected that. It turns out my heart hadn’t expected it and about half way through I felt funny. Before I could say anything, I passed out.
    I woke up being clung to by the beauty therapist who was trying to stop me falling off the table.