Fast Track to Marital Discord: A Mutual Master Cleanse

Apparently Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are both doing the master cleanse, in which you consume only a mixture of lemon, cayenne pepper and maple syrup for a given number of days.

I’m sure this is going really great for them so far, but do you know what would happen to most of the world if both partners in a marriage went on a master cleanse together? Marriage as we know it would fall apart! It would absolutely disintegrate! Why, it would be worse for marriage than…gay marriage!!

Too soon to joke? Sorry. But seriously: married or not, if any two partners I know — myself and my fiance included — went on a fucking master cleanse together, there would be hell to pay. Everyone would be cranky, everyone would be tired, and I suspect that everyone would have some sort of really weird diarrhea. So how does it work for Ashton and Demi?

Well, they’re rich, first of all. So they probably have 800 rooms in their house into which they can retreat instead of having to co-exist with someone who is just as hungry and miserable as they are. Also, they’re rich, so they can just go buy something new and pretty to look at to take their minds off the fact that they have only eaten cayenne pepper and maple syrup recently. And finally, they’re rich, so maybe that buys peace of mind when you’re doing something as stupid as a master cleanse. I suspect that it might also help if the person you usually rely on to tell you when you’re doing something stupid is also doing that same stupid thing. Because despite Demi’s tweets to the contrary (“this is about health!!!”) doing a master cleanse like this is really bad for you.

It’s especially bad for you to do a master cleanse and then go on really strenuous workouts. But that hasn’t stopped celebrity rich people Demi and Ashton from doing it! Another tweet reads: “2nd day of master cleanse and off to hike with hubby and the dogs. 2nd day better than the 1st!”

OK. Whatever. Just don’t call on me to get 911 on the phone when you both pass out on the side of the mountain. Or get divorced. So there.

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    • Zia

      I have actually done this cleanse with spouse… with one bathroom between us. Timing is everything. Especially when you work as a meter reader in residential areas (and can’t use their facilities). Oh, and “You’ve got to come see this!” really means “You wanted to eat REAL food today? I can fix that!!”