• Thu, Jul 15 2010

Chelsea Clinton’s Wedding Guest List From Hell

When planning a wedding, an important piece of the pie is who to invite. The guest list determines how much the wedding will cost, who you will offend (you’ll definitely offend someone, it’s just a question of who), how much leverage your mother gets, and how much leverage your fiance’s mother gets. The guest list has the power to hurt feelings, break apart friendships, and cause irreparable familial damage.

And that’s for people like me, who have relatively normal lives with normal amounts of friends, little political sway (but not none…I’m registered to vote), and fairly typical parents. So how the fuck do you even being to put together a guest list when you are Chelsea motherfucking Clinton??

Vanity Fair reports that her July 31 nuptials will include guests like Streisand, Capshaw and Spielberg.

One more time: Streisand, Capshaw and Spielberg. Which of course begs the question — if you’ve got them as guests, who did you not invite? What famous person, what politician, what international leader didn’t make the cut? And that being said, is the fate of the world literally in the hands of Chelsea Clinton, in the form of her wedding guest list?

The etiquette for such a thing boggles the mind. No — it makes me want to go lie down on the couch, pull a blanket over my head and peer out only to view repeat episodes of Toddlers and Tiaras. I couldn’t HANDLE that shit, yo. I just couldn’t handle it. Did Bill have to call up every former president who’s still alive and explain to them why they didn’t get an invite? Did he have to call Nelson Mandela? Or did he get the green light? Who the hell do you leave off?? There are so many famous people — never mind UN-famous people — that the Clintons would have to consider inviting that it seems completely impossible to narrow it down, for fear of offending…I don’t know…the Queen of England. Literally. And then what do you say? “Well, we wanted to keep it small, so we only invited 764 people, giving preference to those who have made political contributions totaling $1 million or more over the years.”

It’s frankly amazing to me that this wedding was able to happen. I can’t even stand to think about it anymore. Here I am, worried about a great-aunt possibly being left off my list, and Chelsea Clinton has world peace at stake. No pressure.

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  • Eileen

    Bill Clinton said in his autobiography that every time Nelson Mandela called the White House and talked to the President, he asked to speak to Chelsea before he hung up. So I’m guessing if any world leaders got invites, he did.

    But yeah. In her place, I think I’d elope.

    • Jennifer Wright

      Wow. That makes me like Nelson Mandela even more than I already did.

  • Narelle

    I would imagine Chelsea wouldn’t be allowed to invite anyone her father had previous indiscretions with, that would just be awkward. That leaves about 200 people in total – job done!