• Fri, Jul 16 2010

Allie Brosh Presents: ZOMBeauty – A Makeover Show For Zombies

Our first zombie is Karen.

Karen is fairly new to being undead, so her flesh is still sort of supple and she doesn’t smell horribly yet.  She died in a massacre, so she’s totally covered in blood and her neck is mangled beyond recognition, but other than that, she’s a very pretty young lady.  Let’s see what we can do for her.

Hi Karen, how are you today?  That’s good.  Let’s get started.

First of all, I’m going to need you to change out of that blood-spattered shirt.  I know it’s your favorite, but it’s just ruined.  How about we pick you out a nice turtleneck to cover up that gratuitous neck wound?

Wow… your neck is really all kinds of fucked up… did someone attack you with a weed whacker?  I’m kidding, Karen.  But really, let’s look at some scarves.

The next area of concern is your hair.  You have blood all over in your hair, Karen.  It’s not your fault – that’s what happens when your skull is gutted for brains – but it’s really not something you want to be showing off in public.  There’s really not much we can do about the back of your head, so I think the best option is to stuff it with newspaper and then stick a beanie over it.  Does that sound good?  Okay.

Now let’s move on to your lips.  Your lips are ashen at best.  Again, this is only natural with decaying flesh, but thanks to cosmetics, your lips don’t have to be gray and flaky!  Let’s see here… I think Passion Pucker is a good shade for you – it really brings out the highlights in what’s left of your hair.

Well, are you ready to see yourself?  Go ahead and turn around, Karen.

What’s the matter?  Aren’t you excited?  You look like a teenager again!  Okay, maybe a teenager that’s strung out on speed, who’s been sleeping under a bridge for a week and living off of bird carcasses, but still, you look ages younger than before and you’re no longer covered in blood and tiny bits of gray matter!  It’s a complete transformation!

Can I do anything about your eyes?  Karen, I understand your concern because frankly, they’re creeping me out too, but it’s just scientifically impossible to do anything about it.  The gasses of decay are building up inside your skull and making your eyes bug outward awkwardly.  I could drill a hole in your head, but honestly, your eye sockets would probably collapse inward and then you wouldn’t even have eyes.  And unless you want to carry a little bottle of Visine with you everywhere you go, stopping to re-administer every two minutes, you’re going to have to live with your eyeballs slowly shriveling up into vaguely prune-like structures.  I’m sorry, Karen.  I’m not God.  I can only do so much with makeup and accessories.

I guess we could try sunglasses.  That might work.

There you go!  Now you look like Lady Gaga!  Just be careful to not let your eyeballs congeal to the inside of the glasses, okay?  Good luck, Karen!

If you or anyone you know is a zombie, don’t give up hope.  With enough cosmetics, you can still be beautiful!  Call 1-800-ZOMBIES begin_of_the_skype_highlighting              1-800-ZOMBIES      end_of_the_skype_highlighting or apply online at www.zombeauty.com.

Stay tuned next week for another outrageous episode of ZOMBeauty!
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  • Nai‘a

    Thanks Allie. There have been a few times in my life, and I suspect a few more, where Zombie Fashion fixes would have come in handy. For the zombies I met in the past, I had little advice and couldn’t relate. Now I feel I can step into a situation, be it post car accident or mass murder and really help.

  • Nai‘a

    Thanks Allie. For the few times I have run across a zombie I just couldn’t relate. Now, be it post car accident or mass murder, I feel I can step in and really help. Your work to help all women be beautiful is inspiring. Now I feel I can really make a difference after a tragedy.

  • browngrl

    now THIS is helpful beauty information – you NEVER know when you will meet up with a zombie/turn into a zombie yourself

  • TwoNewTohatsus

    So disappointed that
    http://www.zombeauty.com
    was a dead-end :(
    maybe you can do something about that ?!?

  • Elizabeth Kaylene

    Now this is a reality show I would watch!

  • Caela Bialek

    Do zombie bears get a fashion show, too? If not, I think it’s speciesist… :(

  • Karen

    Thanks for the makeover Allie.
    The beanie and scarf are really working for me. I had a problem with unsightly entrails escaping, but found a stylish corset to hold everything in. It so totally goes with the whole Lady Gaga look.
    As for my problem hair, I tried stapling a couple of dead cats to my head to cover the bald spots. But it turns out they were zombie cats, so….. that didn’t pan out so well.
    Anyhoo, apart from some extra claw marks and severed limbs, I’m now looking smoking hot!

  • Maria Jose

    She actually looks like Lady Gaga

  • Becca

    hahahah I love this Allie!