Allie Brosh Presents: ZOMBeauty Contestant #2!

Last week on ZOMBeauty, we helped Karen learn to dress right for her level of decay.  This week, we are going to take on a tougher case.

Our second zombie is Chloe.

Chloe has been undead for a little over three months now.  She lives in Georgia, so the heat and humidity have certainly taken their toll on her skin and facial features, causing them to rapidly decay in a most unattractive way.  But ZOMBeauty is here to help!  With the right makeup and accessories, we can get Chloe looking and feeling like someone who has only been dead one month!

Hi Chloe, how are you today?  What?   I’m sorry, I forgot that your tongue is rotted out.  Haha, I bet you have some killer morning breath, am I right?  Seriously though, do you know sign language?  Because right now you’re just making incomprehensible noise.  You’re missing fingers too?  Okay, how about you just nod for yes and shake your head for no and if you’re really having a problem, make a loud noise and flail your arms.  You don’t really need to talk a lot, just try to look pretty.

Okay… so where to begin?  First of all, you smell like a carcass.  I would normally recommend a nice, summery scent like Clinique Happy to cover up the stench of decay, but realistically, you’ll probably need a combination of Axe spray, Febreze and bleach.

Now let’s talk about your hair.  Your hair is a mess, Chloe.  Do you even use conditioner?  Obviously, our first task is going to be to take care of those split ends!  After that, we’ll apply a smoothing serum to get your hair to not look quite so… zombie-like.

While we’re on the subject of your hair, let’s talk about highlights.  I’m thinking a nice auburn hue.  And, bonus, since you’re dead, you don’t have to deal with re-growth!  Ever.

You’re missing an eye, but that’s no excuse to ignore the one you still have!  I’m going to apply a nice eye shadow and some lengthening mascara to really make it pop.

As far as your skin goes… Chloe, I’m not going to lie – we’re going to need to get creative.  To say that you have poor skin quality would be an understatement.  Your skin is pretty much as bad as skin can get before it stops being skin.  You are right on the cusp of skin and compost.  But we won’t let that stop us.

Body glitter is always a viable solution, so let’s rub some of that on.  See how it’s all sparkly and distracting?  That’s good.  That’s what we want.  This way, people will be focusing on the shiny glitter and not on your greenish, flaky skin.   Along that same line of thought, let’s put a huge, red flower in your hair to call attention away from your face and balance out that empty eye socket.

Are you ready to take a look?  Okay then!

What a transformation!  You look absolutely stunning, Chloe!   During your next massacre, you can shamble down the street with confidence.  Maybe you’ll even get asked out to a dance!
Stay tuned next week for the final episode of ZOMBeauty.
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    • Jess

      Don’t you mean, she “unlives” in georgia? :P

      • alliebrosh

        Haha, you raise a valid point. :)

    • kazzi

      hahaha yes, I guess she doesn’t “live” in Georgia! Maybe she resides there.

      Otherwise, A+ post, Allie! Seriously, this is hilarious. I especially enjoy the flower to balance out her eye socket.

    • Kry

      I don’t think so. She “undeads” in Georgia, therefore it would be logically correct to say she “lives” there.

    • ktkins

      Best thing I’ve read all week: ” I would normally recommend a nice, summery scent like Clinique Happy to cover up the stench of decay, but realistically, you’ll probably need a combination of Axe spray, Febreze and bleach.”

      THANK YOU, Allie, for making my day!

    • Heather

      how about she “resides” in Georgia?

      • Maureen

        “Resides” isn’t conversational.

      • Maureen

        Ahh-but she’s dead. Ignore me please :)

    • loveyoualot

      I love you Allie, but you’re selling out. These are nowhere near as funny as your blog/other posts.

      • usedtagiggle

        I know :(

      • Jazzbs

        I disagree completely, these articles are great too, it’s a different format but still awesome. Maybe if you’re a guy you don’t enjoy the fashion jokes as much but I think these are superb :) Only Allie could run a column about ZOMBeauty. Love to read anything of yours, Allie!

      • alliebrosh

        Selling out? Dude… this is the kind of thing that makes me get into my own head and not want to post. Everyone likes to be a critic and as soon as I post something that seems sub-par to someone, I’m a sellout. I know you maybe didn’t mean for it to come out like that, but please try to be nice.

        Anyway, my subject material here is limited to fashion-related topics, so unlike my blog, I can’t write about whatever strikes my fancy. I have to get a little more creative to keep things fashion-related. I feel like I’ve done pretty well given the constraints I’m working under.

      • Shelby

        Allie, the only way I could lose respect for you would be if you started a column at NazisforChildren’sOffshoreEbolaDrilling.com* And since I just made that up, that means you are immune to judgmental accusations of “selling out” or, as adults call it, “having money for food.”

        *I would still probably laugh at that column. I would just judge you while I did it.

      • Nicole

        RUDE.

      • derp

        Ignore this guy, you’re hilarious no matter what you’re writing about, these posts are as awesome as the others :)

      • Karen

        Dear Allie, Please ignore that comment and *please* keep posting.
        Remember the wise words of my great Aunt, the renown zombie slayer, Matilda Winterbottom who said, “You can’t please all of the people all of the time. And there’s NO pleasing a zombie, ever.”

        (She was also know to say “He who can, does. He who can’t, criticizes other people’s blogs in the comments section.” But she was a master zombie slayer, and not known for her kindness or tact.)

      • Allie C

        Allie, I think you’ve done an excellent job writing about fashion. All your posts are hilarious, and I’m especially enjoying your Zombeauty series. I really hope negative comments don’t stop you from making the rest of us laugh.

      • Sian

        Dear Allie. You’re not selling out at all. Please keep posting, you make my day.

        From sian in australia
        P.S. These beauty tips would also work for a deathly hangover.

      • ghostradomus

        How is this “selling out?” I’m pretty sure you don’t know what that term means. Unless you think she’s being sponsored by Axe bodyspray or something. Wait. Allie! ARE you being sponsored by Axe bodyspray?!! If so I might have to agree.

        I just thought of a solution if her post made you feel so betrayed because it didn’t make you laugh as much as usual: don’t read them. Why be a dick about it? What’s that going to help?

        Allie, you (as always) are amazing and hilarious! Don’t listen to this guy/girl/jerkface.

      • Desperate for Humor

        Allie, if you stopped posting, I would be so sad I would look worse than the before picture of Chloe….

      • Victoria W.

        loveyoualot…first of all, if u paid attention to allies blog, you would no that alots r nice animals, but they dont really care just how much you love them, they just want to go be alot of fire or mist or watever…second of all, ur a poopy face, and dont need to be saying mean things about allie selling out, because, unlike anorexics, normal people need to eat, and in order to eat, you need food, and to get food, you need money, and when she writes this, she gets money!ummm…yea, so stick that in your juice box and suck it!

    • Elizabeth Kaylene

      Only one more?! This is good. I can’t wait for next week!

    • David

      Given that when the Zombie Apocalypse comes, our lack of survival skills and general fitness means myself and my wife will most likely become one of the shambling horde, it’s a relief to know that she can still look good.

      However, I am still concerned about myself. Do you have any tips for male zombies?

      • alliebrosh

        Ah, male zombies. Well, you should definitely invest in the strongest smelling substances possible – Axe, Febreze and Fierce cologne. If at all possible, make an attempt to grow a lot of facial hair before being slaughtered for your brains. The facial hair will cover up your decaying skin for quite some time. I’ve always thought that beards are kind of like makeup for men, only natural!

    • IReallyLikeSushi

      Ha! I think I underestimated the humor of ZOMBeauty. Now, here’s a question – what does a zombie do about a persistent maggot problem?

      • alliebrosh

        Well, if a zombie’s digestive system is still fairly intact, I would suggest consuming garlic and lots of cayenne pepper. I don’t imagine maggots would like those things.

        Short of that, I’m pretty sure Axe spray and Febreze would also help drive maggots away.

    • Supermandy

      “you can shamble down the street with confidence.” comedy gold.

    • Puzzlecat

      I REALLY love the glitter part. Absolutely hilarious!

    • Lizzy

      I love this! And it also kind of makes me think of the song “Zombie Prostitute” by Voltaire, which is always a good thing.

    • Ted K

      Allie Brosch, stay chill! You’re the best! You don’t need to make me fall off my chair every time I read something of yours – though now Mr. Stinkypants Loveyoulot will have to do so everytime he posts here as far as I’m concerned. For you AB, I would ask you to marry me if you were _half_ as funny. And if you knew who the hell I was. And uh…liked me back and were single and stuff. And uh…we lived in the same country. And stuff like that. Yes.

    • jdw

      No way is Allie selling out. She is supremo-awesome at what she does, and her articles and blog ALWAYS make me laugh. Keep rocking out, Allie. **Ah lahke you ALOT** And don’t listen to the pooptards who talk poop, they suck.

    • maxporter

      Awesome!
      Just one thing, though – hair keeps growing after death, iirc.

      • mia

        no it doesnt. it just looks that way because everything shrivels up and shrinks. so what looks like hair growing is actually the scalp shrinking/