A Reponse to a Response: How Not to Find a Lasting or Meaningful Relationship

This is a response to last week’s post “How Not to Hit On Guys.”

Let me first say, I’m married. And before I was married, I dated some great guys, some slimy guys and some guys in between. And for years, I had a list of things that were “dealbreakers” and turn-offs and conversation enders. A guy had to be taller than me – even when I’m wearing heels, read as much as me, be able to drink more than me and understand my love for Breakfast at Tiffany’s. He needed to have an interesting and respectable job. He should never have belonged to a fraternity. The list went on…

My husband hates Breakfast at Tiffany’s and leaves the room if I suggest watching it. When I first met him, he was delivering kegs for Budweiser. If I wear so much as a kitten heel, I’m taller than he is. And references to Joseph Conrad and Jane Austen have no meaning to him at all.

And he’s perfect for me. All of those wonderful things that I thought meant something… didn’t. My husband asked me out through text message, not because it wasn’t important to him, like I thought. He asked me out through text message because he was incredibly nervous and afraid to do it in person. He doesn’t have the most stylish wardrobe in the world and he doesn’t care. To be honest, after getting to know him, I didn’t care either. And on our wedding day, I wore 5 inch stilettos, was 4 inches taller than him, and I felt beautiful.

My point isn’t that my life is wonderful and I’m lucky. It’s that all of these checklists we create in our head only stop us from seeing the real person beneath that superficial bullshit. If I was worried about what car he drove, how he drove it or what pickup lines he tried, I might have never found out what an amazing and caring man he is.

This isn’t a female or male problem. Every single person I know has a checklist. And most of them are filled with things that aren’t really important in your relationship. They are chock full of hoops for potential dates to jump through. And they normally cloud your judgment before you ever get a chance to experience what the real person is like.
So my dating advice to both males and females, forget your lists. Drop the bullshit. If a guy with pathetically thin facial hair buys you a drink, give a chance to explain that every guy in his office is growing a beard until they hit their monthly sales goal. Or that his roommate’s girlfriend used his razor to shave her legs and he hasn’t gotten a chance to buy a new one yet. Guys, if a girl drives a stick shift and chews with her mouth open, let her explain that she grew up with her dad and 5 big brothers. But stop thinking that a stupid quote on a  T-shirt or wearing too much eyeliner has any indication on the possibility of a wonderful relationship. It doesn’t.

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    • Verna

      Beautifully written

    • Colleen

      Bravo!

    • nolalola26

      Well-said! The thing that’s important is whether the two of you are good communicators, and the rest just falls into place after that. Are your arguing/debating/discussing styles compatible? Do you understand and love and respect each other? Do you try harder? These are the questions that mean WAY more to your relationship than whether he likes the same movies/books/clothes as you.

    • Leah

      Wonderfully stated!