• Wed, Jul 28 2010

The Misanthropologist: What To Do When You See Your Parents Having Sex

You’ve got parents. If you’ve got parents, chances are they have fucked. If they’re still married, it’s possible they currently fuck each other. If they’re divorced, they probably fuck other people, and with a kind of gleeful urgency that had long ago deteriorated between them because you–like all children–are a selfish, needy, boner-killing little monster.

But just because you know in the back of your head that you are in fact the byproduct of sexual congress involving your mother and father doesn’t mean you’re at all comfortable with the thought of them having sex. Nor should you be, because we as children construct a beautiful narrative in which our parents are saints with no desire for pleasure and, separate from that, everyone should really just give up seeking physical gratification of any kind once they hit forty, and the ones who don’t all become those terrifying old ladies outside dive bars smoking Capris and aiming hungry looks at drunk guys in denim jackets as their skin weeps off their faces.

Unfortunately, all parents fuck (except mine). We all lie to ourselves and pretend it’s not a thing, and if this were an advice column, I’d say charge ahead with that logic: although you exist because your parents had sex, they don’t have sex anymore (the Gloss cannot abide the legal ramifications of the Misanthropologist being an advice column, though they have not explained to me why). But today’s column is not about the fact that all parents fuck (well, yours), it’s about how to grapple with what happens when you accidentally interrupt their fucking.

Let’s first tell a story: A friend of mine was on a family trip to London when he was in high school. Enjoying a night on the town, he made an impromptu stop back at the hotel room for his jacket. His parents were supposed to be at some restaurant nearby, no doubt paying loads of money for terrible food. He opened the door and found himself confronted with his dad mounting his mom. On the couch. Like savages.

Our friend walked into a terrible situation, I think we can all agree. What he did next was impressive and we should all follow his lead, by turning lemons-that-look-like-our-parents-fucking into lemonade. So: his parents scrambled off each other. After a beat of silence, standing in the doorway, he said, “I’m really sorry… I was short on cash.” His father peeled a hundred pounds out of his wallet and told him not to come back. For a long time.

We should all be so lucky. Because our friend calmly assessed the situation, determined the best course of action and then made a series of silent, rapid-fire decisions, he ultimately profited from the nightmare that was walking in on his parents mid-coitus. Despite the face full of dad-peen, he made one hundred quid. Even back then the pound was like two times the dollar. So, that my friends, is what we call a wash.

Now. If you were to find yourself in this same lucid nightmare, no longer able to deny what has long been a vague truth unacknowledged, you’ll be glad to have memorized this extremely handy checklist of What to Do When You Walk In On Your Parents Fucking (And How to Profit From it).

1. Breathe. Breath deeply. In that initial moment of shock and abject horror, it will feel like all the air has been sucked out of the room. There is a scientific reason for this: it is actually the full force of your fragile web of lies crashing down around you. So, instead of dropping to your knees and cursing this godless plane of existence, you must saturate your lungs with beautiful, life-giving oxygen. This will better enable you to act with prudence in the crucial coming moments.
2. Clear your head. It is at this point, a litany of questions will flood your already over-stimulated brain. They will resemble this: how did I get here? What did I do to deserve this? Why does it look like that? You need to purge these questions from your head, because histrionic self-pity will get your nowhere, neither out of this situation nor into $100.
3. Make your presence known. If you expect to gain anything from this, you musn’t turn tail and run. If you do, your parents may never know what damage their selfish and disgusting behavior has caused, in which case they will not ply you with gifts and money.
4. Try lightening the mood with a one liner If your parents have a sense of humor, this could go over really well. Like, “Hey, did anybody order a pizza?” or if you’re really playing in the big leagues, you could make a cheesy face and say, “Need a hand?” (this is exactly the reason the Misanthropologist is not an advice column)
5. Be brave. Tell yourself: they’re supposed to be more careful and what they have done is unacceptable. You have the advantage. Your parents fucking is actually like a bear: no matter how terrifying, it’s more scared of you than you are of it. Remember this.
6. Extort them. They are weak now. Your parents want you to believe they are saintly, non-sexual beings whose only pleasure in life is supporting you. In other words, this is a prime opportunity because they’ll do anything to keep that lie alive. Think of whatever you want and casually mention you were just looking for it, be it money, jewelry, a nice meal, whatever.

If for some reason you forget this list in the heat of that terrible moment, lucky for you, your parents’ excruciating embarrassment has a half life. So: if you drop the ball and run away, just wait it out for a couple days and give them a false sense of security, then lock yourself in your room and refuse to eat. They will totally give you money.
In closing, interrupting your parents amidst the physical act of love may resemble a perilous sink or swim situation, but instead of clawing your eyes out and dropping the ball like Oedipus, realize you’ve actually stumbled onto fertile ground and can make some quick cash. You deserve it.

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  • wintour4pres

    I’ve considered and almost accepted the fact the my parents have sex, but the thought of them fucking is too much.

  • nolalola26

    When I was 16, my mom caught me smoking and hid my cigarettes. One day while she was out, I went looking for them. I found her vibrator. I quit smoking.

    I don’t care if she used it by herself, or if she & my dad……..wow I can’t even finish the sentence, either way, just EW. Why is it so terrifying? It just is. Thank you, Misanthropologist, for making me laugh about something so dreadful.

    • Venus in Furs

      Holy crap! I thought you were going to say you hid her vibrator, but no! You may have been scarred for life, but at least you quit smoking at an early age. LOL. Sorry for the tragic discovery. I found my mom’s too, and a book about love-making techniques, and to this day, I wish I was ignorant about both of those finds. *shudders*

  • crawler

    As a parent of children of varying ages I take offense with Miss Richard. Are adults and their physical acts any different than hip and cool twenty something’s; ya, right. The body might not look as good but that doesn’t stop the bibido from functioning. I think this article reeks of geriactric discrimination. Or, maybe when Miss Richard passes thirty she’ll abstain from all forms of sexual intercourse for fear of being caught in the act.

    • nolalola26

      You’ve got this post all wrong: the issue here is not that people of a certain age are gross, but that YOUR OWN PARENTS having sex is terrifying TO YOU. We’re not even saying that parents in general are gross, but if I saw MY PARENTS (who are in good shape and attractive people) having sex, I would be mortified. Children do not want to see their own parents having sex, but anyone else’s? Not a big deal.

    • emma lee

      Don’t judge people for their opinions.

  • krex

    As a single mother I share my house with two sexually active teenage daughters. We have a strict house policy that nobody (especially me) has sex in the house, which means that we don’t have to address the whole notion of close relatives getting down and dirty and LOVING it. Boyfriends are quite welcome to sleep over but for cuddles, rather than nookie.

    Of course, in practice, it means that we all learn to do it extremely quietly, I suspect. But as long as we are not antagonizing that bear, all is good.

  • reader

    Is it just me, or does the woman in the picture bear a striking resemblance to Kim “G” from RHONJ?

    • nolalola26

      Ew! At least we don’t have to see her thong hanging out of her hot pants.

  • Lindsay Hartman

    I know this is crazy and weird, but it doesn’t bother me to know that my parents have sex. Good for them. I don’t ever want to see them, because that’s just too far. But my mother is not shy about anything. She’s openly said to me, “Don’t stop by this weekend, we don’t want visitors.” And you know what, she’s a hell of a lot nicer after those weekends. So good for them!

  • OMG

    im 13 and i walked into my parents while they were having sex. my mom is cool abt it but my dad…..well dont know… how can i b cool abt it??

    • emma lee

      They really….won’t fall for that..at all.

  • hello12345

    my little sister was in the kitchen
    when i walked by the door i heard
    a kissing sound i looked through the
    door hole and i saw my dad licking my
    mum’s pussy next 5 minutes a i fucking
    i felt weird so i watched porn

  • kissy

    i am 13.a couple years ago me and my little sister walked into my parents having sex (hardcore,which made it worse). i was terrorfied. i ad to comfort my sister because she thot they were fighting.we(my parents and i) dont no what 2 tell her

  • doggues

    I can hear my parents right now, they do this a lot getting less and less quite…………………………ew

  • magurm

    one night, when i was 11, i saw my parents having sex.. (NOT GIVING DETAILS!)

    I commando crawled into the room and stole my dad’s box of condoms.. I spat in them and chucked it out the balcony window..

    THE FOLLOWING BREAKFAST, we had sausages, eggs and bread.
    i made a hole into my bread. my parents were wondering what i was doing so i simply replied with a casual look on my face. “making eggs benedict..”

    then, i flashed a grave look at my father and proclaimed
    “FATHER, I SAW YOU PENETRATE MUMMA LAST NIGHT!!!!”
    -yes, i copied the guy in the vid..
    then he’s full on “WTF?!” then they’re both extremely silent..

    so, i grabbed the sausage and stabbed it through the hole in my bread and muttered “spooosh!”
    their mouths practically hung open.
    then i proclaimed ‘AM I HAVING A BABY BROTHER?!”

    -ahh.. man, i was such a mischievous little boy back then..

    • zelda

      i know how you feel… ewwwwww

    • Anna

      Omg that is so fucking hilarious.

  • Oooooo sexy

    Yes, and it was hella sexy i watch them every day

  • Hanna

    My parents do it all the time. I walked in the other night and my mom says, can i help you? While snuggled into my dad. Yuck. But they will regret it, revenge is sweet.

  • zelda

    one night at around midnight i herd a uh uh uh sound and deep breathing, all of the sudden i knew my mom and dad were having sex, i was really young then… love my mom and dad and wish them the best… but my mom sounded in pain… it is the childs worst nightmear to see or hear their own parents having sex… i felt like vomiting and when ever i think of it i get butterflies in my stomach! ewww please coment

  • 14andmortified

    I once was playing video games on a hot summer day and then decided to see if my parents were going to make dinner yet when it happened. I opened the door and on the bed my dad was on my mom in “doggy style”. I was and still am disgusted by what I saw and immediately shut the door and ran away. About a few hours later I told my dad that I saw him doing it and he looked at me with a surprised and embarrassed look. I know I could have alienated them, which I did and doubt I will ever get over that. About demanding a reward or compensation for that or interrupting them, never, I was and forever will be unable to do such as the kid did. I still won’t forget it and I feel that as you’ve said it is rather difficult to comprehend that your innocent parents could possibly do it and then act like everything was perfectly normal and such.

  • Nicole

    Yesturday, I accidentally ran into a sex tape my parents have. It’s funny though, cause my fiancé and I both have agreed o waiting to do it until we’re married, but my mom has accused us of having sex, and doing a lot of other sexual things with each other, and everything we have always translates into something “sexual” for her. Needless to say, everything my fiancé and I have been accused of, is everything my parents do! Ewes!!!! But the irony of it all.

    I’m mortified by what I saw. I couldnt even sleep lastnight. After seeing my mom blowing my dad, and my dad going down on her, I’m NEVER sharing food with them or eating anything off their plate again!!!! EWES!!!!! Oh the agony!!!! :O

  • Dylan

    Yeah I just walked in on my parents tonight
    I still don’t know what to do about this
    This is a nightmare nobody should have to deal with

  • Cassie

    Just walked in on my parents. I’m 13 years old and I was just bringing something downstairs from my bedroom and I heard my parents’ bed creaking away, with lots of uh uh uh noises. I open the door (thank god the light was turned off) and they immediately stop. I say: why are you being so loud? My dad says: we’re just…..having a conversation. I say: sure you are. Then I go back upstairs to my room and my mom comes up 5 mins later and we have a very awkward conversation about what just happened. I am scarred for life.

  • Cj

    Well I’m 13 an the same thing happened except it was my dad and his girlfriend lights on no blankets just there and I just said woah and closed the door ever since I have not been able to even see his girlfriend and its weird talking to my dad help

  • emma lee

    One time when I was like 4,there was a very loud thunder.So my bedroom is next to them so I just put my ear in the wall by mistake.Then I heard this kind of moaning sound.Then I jumped right out of my bed to see what was happening.When I entered the room,they stopped having sex and I asked “what were you doing?”.And they just came up with this response:”Uhh nothing,you?”.Then I went back to my bedroom and they started to do it again in another place which was in the living room.I knew where they were going I was a smart girl.I watched them but in about 7 seconds I just looked back and I was tierd.It was discusting!

  • KittyKat

    I walked in on my parents having sex when I was 13… I was going downstairs to get some water, I intended on staying up for a bit longer for some internet bombing or playing games on my computer… The normal stuff that I usualy do at night if I’m in the mood to stay up late. So I opened my really creaky door and heard a single little moan… I just figured my parents were watching some adult show, I just brushed it off because that is what happens when I go up to my room for the night… I really should have just said ‘Screw the water’ and gone back upstairs… As I was walking down the hall I turned my head to the side (I always observe my surroundings… I am incredibly paranoid) to see my mom, legs spread, shirt above the boobs, and head looking at my dad who was on the floor, hands on her thighs, and his face way too close to the drapes… I quickly turned my head and appropriately said “Oh crap!” (much more… lets say ‘colorful’ language in my head) hearing “Oh sh*t!” from my mom and fled to the kitchen for my water… My dad soon walked in while I stared out the window. He soon asked me “Hey… What’s outside.”… After that sentence I spouted a buttload of ‘Nothing’ and ‘Everythings fine’ before He said that he ‘Was just massaging my moms legs’ but I sped off to my room (luckly the bedroom door was closed as I retreated) and I closed and locked my door… After that I wanted to kick and scream… I felt filthy and changed out of the pajamas (previously my mom’s pjs) and sat on my bed… Shaking furiously and crying a bit…

    So here I am… Typing this… Hopefully I can get a response for why I feel this way… Please don’t give me the copy & paste ‘Sex is natural!’ or ‘Your parents had to do it to make you!’ or even ‘Your parents can do what they want!’… I don’t care if someone has sex (unless they are cheating on someone else… then I have a problem), I watch animal documentaries (one litteraly had a gay cheetah threesome and I didn’t care) and I have a cat who constantly tries to get it on with his sister AND now a dog who tries to mount another male dog… So I would say I’m fine with the act itself. Its how reckless they were that irritates me to no end… I have almost walked by their room just so I could pee, and I heard moans… I wasn’t mad then, but I was embarrassed… Also… don’t tell me to talk it out with my parents… Please… The number one thing I want to do is see my parents right now… And I HATE having discusions with them in general… They just make me get over emotional while they get upset at me from showing emotion unlike them… they are like stone whenever I talk to them… So please… any advice right now? Anything?