Allie Brosh Presents: Zombeauty Part 3

Last week we helped Chloe learn how to use body glitter and Axe spray to distract from the fact that she is basically just a walking corpse.  This week, we’ll be taking our expertise to the next level and beautifying the hardest case yet!

Meet Gloria:
Gloria, I’d ask you how you are, but you don’t have any of the body parts necessary to generate speech or to even make rudimentary gestures, so we’ll just get started, okay?

Let’s be honest here; you’re pretty much just a skull with a shriveled up eyeball.  The good news is that you have nice bone structure.  Your jaw is broken pretty badly, but it appears that you still have most of your molars.  So there’s that

I think the most pressing issue is going to be super gluing that eye back in its socket.  You can’t just walk around with your eyeball hanging out like that, Gloria.  It freaks people out and makes them not want to talk to you.  It has also taken on a sort of disconcerting red tint, so we’ll just go ahead and get you some blue contact lenses.  There.  That’s nice.

As you have probably realized, you don’t have any lips, so we’re going to have to fake it a little.  We’ll apply a bit of plumping gloss to your maxilla and mandible there and then just slather on a bunch of lipstick and hope for the best.

You look… great.  That shade really brings out your eye.

You’re definitely going to need some hair to balance out that makeup.  I bet you’d look terrific as a sassy redhead.  Let’s get you a nice wig to cover up that dome of yours.  And how about a flirty little sun dress?

Perfect.  You look like Lindsay Lohan, but skinnier.

Normally, I’d recommend implants to fill out that pretty little dress, but you lack the structural integrity to support them and they’d probably just fall off the next time you try to maul someone for brains.  Plus, implants would look really unnatural on someone of your build.  You don’t even have any skin, Gloria.
You know what?  Fuck it.  Let’s just cover you in body glitter and call it a day.
My work here is done.
Share This Post:
    • Reggie

      I see the Lindsey Lohan resemblance. Great work! Glitter makes everything better. Ah, what 6th grade epiphanies never cease.

    • Jenny

      Wow. She is…amazing.

    • French Bean

      Gloria is Hollywood’s new standard for beauty.

    • Liz

      Body glitter is always a must. Dead or alive.

    • Kathy Giroux

      Sending this to my mom “Gloria” right now….lol

    • Kira

      Wow, what a difference a wig makes! Before the wig we would have had to look at the hip bone structure to determine her sex. Personally, I don’t want to get that close and risk my brains. However, plop a wig on her undead head and bam! instant she-zombie.

    • Kitty

      Allie, I love you. I saw this post and forced my mother to leave her sauteeing mushrooms in order to tell her that you’d posted the last ZOMBeauty. Now I must go reread it, goodbye.

    • Summer

      Lindsey Lohan wishes she had that kind of bone structure. And I was wondering, are those Rx contacts? At least Gloria will save money buying a pair since she only has, you know, the one eye. So, a box should last twice as long :). Good luck, Gloria. You might even get mobbed on the streets as a Lady Gaga lookalike.

    • Dan

      I LOL’d hot chocolate all over my monitor when I read the Lohan line. Bless you Gloria, and you Allie. You know how to make me lol.

    • Alex C

      Now there you have a size zero ;O)

      Great work Allie, as always! Love your blog!

    • Susan

      I think she’s actually a little heavier than Lindsey… Maybe she’s been snacking on the brains of too many fat kids.

    • Nicolas

      She look like Lindsay Lohan, but fatty

      • Jean

        EXACTLY what I thought! Well, except for the “fatty” part – you’re funnier than me. Cheers to you!

    • nicole

      the glitter really gives her that “alive” aura

    • Eric

      I had a dream several years ago about zombies that could be cured if you could get them interested in personal grooming, and so those of us who had survived the zombie apocalypse took to looting beauty supplies as a necessity.

    • Sarcastro

      Allie, where were you when I was getting ready for prom? There was no one there to super glue MY eye back in.

    • josh

      lmao at “That shade really brings out your eye.” Thanks for the relief from work!

    • Elaine

      I’m loving the zombie makeovers!

    • Deanna

      Zombie makeovers, I laughed so hard… Allie I love all of your stuff! Your blog is so entertaining, and BONUS, it’s awesome to get a different “flavor” of your humor in this column, too.

    • Maria Jose

      You dont even hace any skin, Gloria

    • Victoria W.

      fuck it…cover you in glitter and lets call it a day! hahaha allie your freaking hilarious

    • amanda

      super happy to have stumbled across some more of your work :-D :-D Gloria, you look fabulous!