• Tue, Aug 3 2010

‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’: In Which Kim ‘G’ Replaces Teresa As The Worst Human Being on the Planet

Just when you think Franklin Lakes has been drained of its crazy, the trusty producers of RHNJ manage to dig up yet another social-climbing fame-whore, the Giudices prove that they never run out of ways to go into bankruptcy, and all the housewives remind us of how to not be a parent.

It all began when the Danielle drama pot was once again stirred, only this time with a new spoon — a spoon that calls itself Kim “G.” Danielle, with her ever-innocent intentions, went to her “best friend” Kim with the hopes of enlisting her help in finding her biological mother. Heartstrings were pulled, Kim obliged, and Danielle left happy.

But Kim’s earnest desire to help, we soon learned, couldn’t be taken at (two-)face value. Upon sitting down to lunch with her daughters a few days later, Danielle found out that Christine had heard about her top-secret search for bio-mom from her friend, who heard it from her eyebrow waxer, who heard it from Teresa, who heard it from Kim. Bitch!!

Well, the only thing for a woman to do when faced with such an affront is to call her ex-con friend, and enlist in his help in sending a really mean email. Which is exactly what Danielle did. The next thing you know, Kim, whose emotions come out of her in the most awkward, stilted ways, forces her way into Jacqueline’s house to scream obscenities about Danielle (all while Jacqueline…poor Jacqueline…is holding her baby and maintaining her “I’m still not forgiving you” face) and officially claims that her friendship with “that bitch” is ov-ah, for apparently no other reason than to kiss Jacqueline’s ass.

But we all know by now that problems in Franklin Lakes can’t be resolved with a mere email and string of curses. There has to be an in-person confrontation, and there was, and that’s where we finally saw what Kim “G” has been hiding behind those two lifted faces.

Picture it: Danielle and Kim meet at a lunch spot. Within minutes, Kim admits that she told Teresa about Danielle’s search for her mother, saying that she thinks there’s nothing wrong with that. She then immediately turns beet red in the face and throws a napkin (a napkin!!) at Danielle, who promptly gets up and starts to walk out of the restaurant.

Why everyone insists on following Danielle out of places after a fight, I will never know, but it’s become clear that that is the etiquette of war in New Jersey, so bear that in mind the next time you visit. As Danielle is walking out the door of the restaurant, Kim suddenly morphs, before our very eyes, into none other than Ashley. It’s like that one guy in Inception (spoiler alert!) who takes on the mannerisms of other people so well that he becomes them in dreams. If this were a dream, Kim G, age 92, would have become Jacqueline’s daughter, circa the Brownstone battle of Episode 10. She started swearing. Yelling. Chasing. Hootin’ and hollerin’. If she could have grabbed a clump of hair, she would have (Danielle was a bit quicker on her feet). And the next thing you know, the most dignified and respected woman in Franklin Lakes lets fly with this (my best approximation of a semi-indecipherable rant): “You look like a fucking old lady with your fake, square tits!!”

Can you believe it? It was an unprecedented display of tacky, and if it was embarrassing when Ashley did it, it was just sad when Kim did it.

The question is, will this make any of the other housewives want to be her friend? Housewives like…Caroline?

Because, cut backwards in time to earlier in the episode, and let’s talk about when Kim humiliated her son John by practically begging Christopher Manzo to arrange a lunch date for her with his mother. Poor John looked like he wanted to crawl under the pool table him and Chris were playing on.

Not to be out-bad parented, though, Danielle took this opportunity to televise her daughter’s first trip to the gynecologist. I swear to god, if the look in her eyes is any indicator, Christine Staub is literally going to kill Danielle one of these days. I’m not even kidding. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the desire to commit matricide displayed more prominently by anyone except Stewie Griffin.

I should probably mention that during this episode, Teresa also had the christening for baby #4, Audriana. But whatever. It was lavish, it was ridiculous, it was the reason they now have no home and Teresa is the new face of a tanning salon. Next week, shit hits the fan in the Giudice household when Joe is allowed to drive a car gets in a drunk driving accident. That might be all that happens next week, if that in fact happens at all.

Other things we learned this week:

  • Teresa running in heels is one of the most fun things to watch on TV these days.
  • You can get loaves of bread with words on them, if you throw a party at the Brownstone.
  • You can also get HPV from oral sex. Christine Staub knows it, and now so does the rest of the world.
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