How To: Be Cooler Than a 9 Year Old

These kids are cool. Like, a lot cooler than me. And the saddest part is that they’re nine years old and already cooler than me. What happens when they’re 15, 20, 25?! They’ll grow beyond the borders of cool. And that scares me. But, I am no discriminator against age, we all know it’s nothing but a number. So I am going to take some advice from these ultra cool kids and draw some inspiration from them.

1. Be born the child of rich movie stars. Let’s admit it, the coolest kids out there right now are Suri Cruise, Willow Smith and the Jolie-Pitt clan. What do they have in common? That’s right, the people they call “mommy and daddy” are who we call celebs.

2. Repeat step #1

3. Have articles written about you in People magazine. This indirectly relates to step #1 (and therefore step #2). Heidi Klum calls daughter Leni (FYI: she’s 4) a fashionista. Um, if my mom was Heidi Klum (FYI: presenter of Project Runway and a Supermodel) and called me a fashionista, I’m sure some designer would give me my own line of baby bibs or onesies or whatever else 4 year olds wear these days.

Basically, there’s no hope for you unless your last name is a household name. I’m okay with that though, I can go back to my normal life of going to work, hanging out with friends and wishing I had the shoes Suri Cruise does, only not in toddler size.

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    • Kate

      fucking Willow Smith. I love-slash-hate her so much.