Allie Brosh Presents: 4 Totally Legitimate Uses For Sequins

Sequins.  What would the world be without them?  Before you answer, wouldn’t you like to know a little more about how useful they are?  Read on…

Sequins are almost infinitely useful.

To elaborate on that assertion, here’s some indisputable proof:

1. Sequins can be used to confuse your enemies:

Sequins are the visual equivalent of pepper spray.  Based on a study using gerbils, sequins are 89% effective at preventing attacks when suddenly introduced into a potential attacker’s environment (in this case, by throwing.)

One of the most prominent traits of sequins is their ability to reflect light in thousands of directions.  This can be confusing and disorienting to someone who was carrying on with a violent crime, not expecting to be blindsided by millions of sparkles.  When they are suddenly confronted by your shimmering shield of radiance, they won’t know what to do.

If you find yourself in a dangerous situation, it helps to move the sequined object in unpredictable arcs and, if possible, spin it in circles. This not only increases the amount of sparkly-ness the attacker is exposed to, but, like a matador’s cape, it also acts to throw off the attacker’s perception of your actual location in space.

2.  Sequins can be used as camouflage
You’re probably thinking “sequins are the exact opposite of camouflage,” but you’re wrong.  What if you are in a landscape made of sequins?
I bet you didn’t think of that.  And that’s exactly the issue here.  No one ever expects to find themselves in a landscape made entirely out of sequins, so if that ever happens, they will be caught off guard and be totally vulnerable.  Though the likelihood of this scenario ever occurring is small, it never hurts to be prepared.
3.  Sequins provide a very slight amount of protection from bullets
Did you know that sequins are more resistant to bullets than fabric alone?  They are.  They aren’t exactly bulletproof, but they can very slightly reduce the speed of a bullet entering your body.  Take that, bullets.
4.  You can eat sequins
The metabolic usefulness of sequins has yet to be studied, but if babies and dogs are any indication, they can be eaten.
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    • nolalola26

      Take that, bullets!

    • Julia Friedman

      Sequins have been a part of my diet for years. Of course, you have to watch out for those dangerous sparkles. They go straight to the hips.

    • Don

      Holy mackeral. How stupid.

      • Irksome

        You’re obviously missing the point. And you didn’t spell “mackerel” correctly. How stupid.

      • PapaSee

        And whoosh, it goes over your head.

    • Jui Welch

      when I next get involved in gun crime, I’ll go in a bright sequin jacket.

    • Espressabeth

      Everything Allie touches turns to sequins *in the BEST way possible*!

    • Aramis

      Ha, silly. I haver a coworker who we’re sure farts glitter, do you think this is related to the amount of sequins she ingests, Dr. Allie?

    • Shannon

      I always thought that sequins were so useless until I read this blog. This has definitely changed my outlook on life (in regards to sequins). I am now working on a brand new life plan, of course involving sequins. Thank you.

    • Anton

      Hot damn. I need more sequins in my life! I had no idea they were so awesome. <3

    • Jules

      Awesome, now I’m totally craving sequins and the only shirt I ever had with a hint of sequels mysteriously got lost in the laundry years ago. Way to go mum.

    • KYouell

      “Wackiness derived from excretion: 85%”

      OMFG. I snorted & woke up my napping husband. He did not find pooping sequins nearly as funny as I did.

    • Nodavebarry dot blogspot dot com

      Sequins are essential for interns at the Democratic White House… When Bill visits, eat them, cover self with them, keep in LBD pockets, disappear into the sequin mist when lunged at…

    • Sarah

      I can actually confirm something about this. Sequins don’t break down in the stomach. So if you get drunk and dared to consume a large pottle of colourful sequins in your friends crafts cupboard, you will have colourful sequined poop. Same goes for tubs of glitter.

    • Alexandra

      Allie, this is one of my favorite creations of yours. I love it.

    • Physicsmom

      Excellent advice. A thought: next time you can enhance your drawings even further with blingee. Especially if the drawings have sequins. Carry on.

    • ghostradamus

      LOVE the “Take that bullets” drawing! Also, am the only one that sees “Dignity: OMG!” in the nutrition facts. I believe that was intentional, so well done on a job….well…done. I probably could have thought that sentence out a bit better before posting…

    • Nadia

      on craigslist they are known by their more casual name. . .”sequence”


    • georgeelliot

      And to think that I was about to discard my sequined evening dress! Not now. Now I’m going to eat that fucker!

    • Tricia

      Sequins can also be extremely useful in the event of an approaching hurricane or tropical storm-throw them in the air, and they will fly in the direction of the wind. How this helps, I’m not quite sure, but try running in the opposite or same direction of said sequin flock. One way will inevitably help you escape the ravages of this natural disaster. Because honestly, if you didn’t evacuate and you’re using sequins to gauge your response to this immediate life-or-death ordeal, it’s as good as any other plan you’ve got going.

      • K

        Your comment is awesome.

    • Hannah

      This column is great :) I especially like the nutrition facts. “Iron: Possibly?”

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    • Gwenyth

      I have been given a large stash of 1950′s jewelry supplied including fake gems of all sizes and shapes and many mountings. I need to do something with these things but find adhering them onto stuff with the non flat backs difficult.. Can someone help me with some advice on this? I do mosaics but the grout is not kind to these jewels. Gwenyth