• Fri, Aug 13 2010

Allie Brosh Presents: 5 Ways To Put The Surprise Back In Your Sex Life

People aren’t satisfied with regular sex anymore.  They want to shake things up and explore new frontiers.  They want excitement and possibly even danger.

If you are looking for new ways to bring excitement into your sex life, look no further.  The following five techniques are virtually guaranteed to turn you into a goddess of unpredictability.

1.  The Sniper

There’s no better way to create surprise and excitement than randomly ambushing your partner at a time of great vulnerability.  Hide in the bathtub and wait for your partner to come in and try to use the toilet.  No one expects a sexual ambush on the toilet.

2.  The Car Alarm

Sudden, loud noises add mystery and unpredictability.

3.  The Emergency

What better way to get your man’s adrenaline pumping than to pretend that you are having a seizure or suffering an aneurysm during sex?

4.  The One Where You Run Away

Men love a challenge.  To satisfy his innate desire to chase and catch things, why not get up in the middle of sex and run away?

5.  The Shapeshifter

Role-playing can be exciting, but the most exciting is surprise role-playing!

From Our Partners

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  • nolalola26

    I will try all of those this weekend! Boy-howdy, I am gonna GET SOME!

  • Maria

    I already do all of these and they are great! You forgot a fun one though, punching your lover in the gut right at the height of love-making. Soooo great for both parties.

    http://www.mariatheawesome.blogspot.com

  • daisythree11

    That’s hot! lol, must try number one tonight.
    The little pictures are so helpful and insightful. I laughed so much I almost peed my pants.

  • daisythree11

    That’s hot! lol, must try number one tonight.
    The little pictures are so helpful and insightful. I laughed so much I almost peed my pants.

  • Chee Yi

    LOL those are damn hilarious! Love the bathtub ambush =)

  • erinamelia

    Tactic #4 is my specialty.

  • Flagpole

    These are great, but they look like they are all for women. I would like to spice up my sex life, but I am a man. Will these work for me?

    • Jennifer Wright

      I’d just like you to know that, as a woman, I fantasize constantly about my mate pulling the “gorilla switch.” I believe all women do.

    • Allie

      Numbers 1, 2, 3 and 5 will all work for men as well. Number 4 might work, but women don’t have such a strong prey drive and may interpret your running away as an insult.

    • Allie

      I meant women “don’t* have such a strong prey drive. Blast.

    • Carol

      I don’t think these are gender specific. Personally, all these scenarios would arouse me sexually. Totally

    • Killian

      Flagpole,

      I think they will work for you with slight edits. For example, in Option 1? Wait til your partner is s having her legs. The incorporation of sharp objects into your sex life can never go wrong.

      Cheers!

  • Christina

    The running away one has me cracking up.

    And I love the picture of the couple above the toilet. Those little details kill me.

  • sarah

    OMG too funny…#1 really scares me…but #4 is by far a fun occurrence in my house.

  • JustLinda

    You forgot my favorite. It’s called the Drunk Sorority Girl.

    (Conversely, I use many of those when I’m trying to get OUT of sex. Hmmm… so very paradoxical!)

  • Jenn

    This article was fun and insightful.

    However, while viewing this page on my iPhone, some of the words got cut off at the ends of lines.

    • Sara

      They got cut off on my regular web browser, too.

    • pgn674

      It’s happening to me too in Chrome on Windows. Happens in the comments, too.

    • A

      Not just iPhone, my Mac’s browser is doing it too. Bah!

  • Justin

    This is, by far, my favorite post you have ever done.

  • jess cota

    i find it is especially arousing to ambush your partner as they are coming in to the bathroom. trying to guess if they will or will not pee their pants just adds to the excitement.

    • Allie

      Most definitely. To up the ante, you might consider throwing in a bladder-punch.

  • ray ray

    hahaa, this is brilliant. I’m going to work on my manic facial expressions to really sell these tactics as well as the illustrations do.

  • Steve

    My favorite is The Pop Quiz: Interrupt coitus mid-rut and ask Trivial Pursuit questions. Correct answers get more sex; incorrect answers get no sex.

    • Allie

      I’m being very serious when I say that I would do this for real. I fucking LOVE Trivial Pursuit.

    • Steve

      It’s also a really effective tactic for punishing a partner for prior misdeeds; get them pretty close to the finish line, stop, and say “If you want to keep going, name the ninth President.”

  • http://vananaberry.etsy.com Vanessa

    This is hilarious! The gorilla mask really did it for me.

  • eprich

    I think number one will backfire in most cases. Pun somewhat intended. Gorilla sex, however, is at the top of every man’s fantasy.

  • elizaluv

    Allie, you’re awesome as always… But do you have any surprises for us lesbian folks to use? I think the best one this girl used on me was, “I’m not sure if it’s you, or all girls, but I don’t think I really like girls.” But then it turned out she wasn’t kidding. And she left. And I cried. So wait, maybe that’s not a funny one to use………

    • Sam

      I was saddened by the lack of lesbian sex advice too… That’s so sad though. You poor dear.

    • Allie

      Even though I drew the characters as male/female, these tips will work in male/male or female/female relationships too! Everyone loves to be surprised by a gorilla mask or ambushed in the bathroom!

    • elizaluv

      I don’t know, Allie… I think you might secretly be a Furry with the gorilla mask suggestion………… I’m all for trying out new things sexually, but Furries… Frighten… Me.

      But yes, you’re right, these would be appropriate for all sorts of relationships, but I think it’s about time Allie gave us li’l lesbians a post of our own! It would be spectacular. :D

      And bleh I still can’t read everything past a certain point on the right hand side of this column; Sam yours read “That’s so sad though. You p.” Yes, I do pee, but I’m thinking you wrote more than that. This website needs to have adjustable column widths or something.

  • Michelle

    Mine too. When I zoomed out until the words were so small they were hard to read they showed up.

  • Aquene

    Allie, you rock! I’m so happy that people (person?) of your nearly unimaginable level of awesomeness exist. And that they (you?) write blogs.

  • Liz

    I’m going to be trying all of these.

  • julia

    I snorted into my hot chocolate at the last one. Thanks a lot.

  • Jessica

    I love this so much hahaha!

  • Kat

    Combinations make this even better. Gorillas+sniper=Aneurysm sex on the toilet! Major win!

    • Sue

      Holy crow, Kat…. your comment may be the best comment I’ve ever read.

    • Noah

      that is the funniest comment. shoulda been the #6 on the list.

  • HeatherAM

    I guess we know who likes to be on top. I will be trying surprise number 4, running away during sex lol

  • Shannon

    This is fantastic, it had me giggling for a very long time. I love your writing style and the pictures are hysterical. Keep up the awesome work!!

  • Greg Mallek

    #4 is no surprise! My girlfriends have always run away during sex!

  • Scott

    Oh, Allie. Poor Boyfriend. Poor, poor, Boyfriend. :)

  • Archie

    I’ve actually done #3… = Ends Badly.

  • Embarrassed

    OMG….a gorilla mask is NOT what I thought she was hiding in #5. Oh, wait….. maybe that was the point……

  • Gigi

    Allie, I want you as my best friend. PLEASSSSSEEEEEEEE!!!!

  • ToDDIth

    I think these cartoons put a smile on my face, hang let me look in the mirror….. yup their pretty funny !

  • Anita

    LOL!!!! Hurrah for Gloss for showcasing the incredible talent of Allie Brosh!

  • Anton

    You forgot to mention the danger of #4 when you trip over your discarded shoes or down the stairs and break your arm. Hee! Awesome. Allie, you should take over Cosmo and write all their sex tips from now on!

  • Jon

    My wife actually DID have a brain aneurysm during sex…it was not arousing, but became exciting when the paramedics showed up.

  • Maureen

    The guy in the running away picture kind of looks like my boyfriend.

  • Christie

    If these pics are accurate, perhaps removing underpants would help your sex life!

  • vacia pari

    brilliant as usual :)
    i absolutely love the drawings, they hold such great joy for my heart :D
    the surprises are wonderfully surprising, #4 is great,
    i must say that a Hyperbole doll would bring me great joy O.o
    i wish i had a lil alley doll… ex- Allies usual toon charactor as a plush doll :)
    each with a unique crazy face- action pose or emotion. Just like the ones she has on here all the time :) “”"_”"”"_”"”"”‘
    I’d want one of each! “” @ .. @ ? “”"‘ ….just trying to draw with the symbols
    “”" U “”"”"”” ”’ …this may not come out right…..
    “” “”"””’ “”"” …keep up the great work Allie!
    ” “”” ””””
    “”””””””””

  • hp

    I’m so sad the page is cutting off the edge of the words. I am going to try and read this because I know it will be awesome, but i’d rather not have to guess what half of the words are. It just won’t be as funny.

  • Laura

    Upon viewing the final picture, I burst into a series of raucous snorts and giggles. Freaking hilarious!!!!

  • CrystalWhy

    I love you Allie. You are absolutely brilliant! Never stop writing awesome things!

  • Nodavebarry dot blogspot dot com

    Speaking on behalf of your male readers of the guy persuasion, we love any female interest in enhancing the sex life – woohoo, pause for standing ovation – and we strongly encourage Allie to include the ALOT in her next episode of Sex in the Blog… Perhaps even two ALOTs… http://nodavebarry.blogspot.com

    • UnderwaterAttackCat

      Oh come on…tell us! You have a gorilla mask in your closet, don’t you?!

  • luci

    superb. these clearly can’t fail.

  • starle

    Great one Allie! I loved the look on the guy’s face when the girl ran away!
    (Thanks for ending my confusion about the ALOT. I keep it as wallpaper!)

  • Jules121

    See, I think this is where my mom gets her ideas. I’ve heard a car alarm coming from her room when the “plumber” was here.

  • ftssoad

    Allie- can’t help noticing none of these women look like your animated self- what do you do? Maybe you don’t have to do anything yet- trust me though it will get boring

  • Mary Elizabeth

    I love how your mind works. And you’re right, the seizure technique works great! ; )

  • ThePeachy1

    Amazing that I have only tried two of these and thought myself pretty adventurous I will indeed have to try the others. ( not telling which two)

  • panda794

    LMAO! I actually have a heart condition, and once right at a crucial point, I felt my heart skipping over and over, and suddenly I wasn’t breathing. When I woke up, my husband was shaking me and pouring water in my mouth. The doctors all agreed that I passed out. This had the opposite effect for my love life. My husband was afraid to touch me for a long while after that one. Try if you don’t mind the risk that he will be afraid of accidentally loving you to death. LOL!

  • Jessica Pauline Ogilvie

    the look on her face as she runs away is priceless.

  • Feeth

    omfg. This is the most hilarious thing you’ve written so far for the Gloss. I’m very lucky my co-workers have just left as I smother uncontrollable laughter.

    (I’m also glad to have discovered this site through you.)

  • @Firestarter_IT

    Pretty fun and cute pics lol… About #4 though… I don’t know when or how the myth of “men love a challenge” was perpetuated. But, I for one do not. I hate all the stupid games that people play in the dating scene…js :/

  • @Firestarter_IT

    …er funny* … must’ve got cut off or stg, idk.

  • Lurtle

    I’ve personally done the bathroom one…you end up being a victim though if you wait too long…if you know what I mean!

  • Cam

    Why does the guy on the toilet have smiley faces on his knees?

    /just wonderin’

  • mj

    Oh…the smiley knee thing….I know this.

    Ok, when I was a wee little girl and took ballet lessons, our teacher would tell us to keep our legs straight, so our knees would smile. It has to do with how the bones and joints are in your knees.

    Since I was born with an extra bone in each knee, I had a double smile.

  • AnD

    The car alarm picture is the funniest damn thing I have seen in a very long time. I laughed until tears and snot made me stop laughing, and start sniveling.

  • Wolfpackmember#3

    why is there a picture of themselves over the toilet?

    • Jessica

      That’s not a picture.

      It’s a tiny window with tiny people peeking inside laughing at Allie’s sexy antics.

  • still laughing

    You are hilarious! I love all of your posts but this is my favorite one :) You made an entire clinic roar with much needed laughter! (Not easy to do because we treat wounded warriors…’nough said)

  • Cabbage

    Allie, with not one word of a lie, my boyfriend performed #3 ON MY BIRTHDAY last year.
    Cue a hasty drive to the hospital, some very embarrassing explanations about what we were doing when this ‘anurysm’ presented and 6 (!) FAILED lumbar punctures, the only test result we had was that the failed lumbar punctures probably caused the blood in his CSF. Joke was on bf when they hit a nerve during the 7th (and final) lumbar puncture and made him scream in agony. You’re right though, it totally got me hot :D
    Oh, and it turned out to be a pinched nerve. Good times.

  • Beans

    Oh my god, I do #4 all the time.

    He humours me.

  • Annalis

    I wish someone would fix the HTML on this page so I could see all the pictures/ text :(

    • Aaron

      Yes! I’m having the same problem! Please fix!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • http://twitter.com/Voiceinthetdot Dan S.

    We miss you Allie :(

  • Will

    All of these things sound really really fun