• Wed, Aug 18 2010

5 Basic Rules For Committing a Crime

Consumerist reports today that a man in Oklahoma tried to steal a soda truck from outside a Chili’s while not wearing any pants. I’d say that this is a pretty significant crime-committing rule to break, because you want your victims to take you seriously as a threat, and if they could just reach down and rip your balls off with their bare hands they probably won’t be quite as scared.

So here are a few other tips for successfully committing crimes:

  • Don’t holler out your first and last name.
  • Don’t apologize! This is the time to be a Strong Woman.
  • Double check that you have your identification when leaving the scene. I think we all remember this valuable lesson from “True Romance.”
  • Be prepared — know the name and address of the bank/restaurant/home you are going to rob. This saves precious time!
  • Make a swift getaway — this is no time for idle chit-chat, even if that lady at the cash register is wearing a really cute pair of shoes.

Follow these rules and you should be on your way to world domination.

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