I Do Not Want Sex Tips from Foxnews.com

There are definitely sites that I go to if I want sex advice – specifically, they’re ones aimed at women since I just happen to be a ladyparts-haver myself. However, there’s one site I definitely don’t go to: Foxnews.com. Especially not after they write such brilliant pieces as “5 Ways to Get Your Wife to Have More Sex With You.” I mean, I guess since it’s Fox News they have to say wife instead of girlfriend, but these tips are pretty sad. One of them is “snuggle, not grope.” Do married dudes regularly grope their wives? I mean, there’s nothing wrong with some foreplay and getting touchy-feely, but there’s something about the word “grope” that just sounds gross. It’s a shade away from “cop a feel,” and that is about the least sexy turn of phrase ever.

Here’s the next tip:

Want hot sex? You have to provide us with the kind of sex we want to have. Simply put, you’ve got to give as good as you get. Do I need to spell it out for you? If you want us to use our mouths, you have to use yours, too! And if you do it first? All the better. Most women orgasm best from clitoral stimulation.

They can say “clitoral stimulation,” but they’re not allowed to say “oral sex” or “cunnlingus”? I have no idea who is in charge of setting the terms for what people on Foxnews.com are allowed to write, but I’d suggest they rethink their parameters. If you’re writing an article about sex, saying “oral sex” shouldn’t be verboten. It’s just an extra word in front! Heaven forfend somebody mention vulvas.

In the next tip, which I actually agree with, the writer encourages men to pitch in with household chores and help their wives feel less stressed and busy. However, the line “Remember, a lot of us find nothing sexier than a dad who’s into his kids” made me giggle more than the author probably intended. Here’s a hint for next time: don’t use “into” in a sex article if you’re not referring to the actual act of sex.

I’d weigh in on the rest of this article, but I couldn’t bring myself to finish it. I mean, hey, I’m glad that dudes who read Foxnews.com want to have sex with their wives and that some of them might actually learn to be better at it from reading this article. But considering it’s next to articles about acid reflux and cholesterol, it’s hard to get in the mood.

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    • Eileen

      I gotta say, this article kind of seems eerily similar to the kind they print in Good Housekeeping and Redbook.