• Wed, Aug 25 2010

The Heart Monitor: 10 Reasons Cohabitating Sucks

5. Food, glorious food. He will eat all of your food. All of it. Even your low-fat frozen yogurt that doesn’t even taste that great. Here, try this experiment: cook an entire Thanksgiving dinner, enough to feed a family of four and provide leftovers all week. Casually mention you’ve made dinner and put all of it on your kitchen table. You’ll be lucky if he leaves you with enough to scrape together for a packed lunch the next day.

6. Be a sport. They will enter your household and they will never leave. It’s like he’s having an affair with sports right in front of you. In your own house. You can’t believe you were ever paranoid about lunches with his cute coworker. You would kill for him to hang out with Sheila more and shut the eff up about his team.

7. The bathroom diaries. Forget wasting time in the bathroom working on those perfect smoky eyes. What about all of that empty mirror time? You know, those hours you spend peering in the lighted mega-magnifying mirror examining your pores, plucking stray chin hairs, popping blackheads and scrubbing your face until it’s raw? Yeah. You’re lucky if you get that back. Instead, your bathroom sink will be full of little black hairs and shaving cream residue—not really the alone-time accoutrements you wanted.

8. The fixer. When you were single and something went wrong, you’d call the super or someone from the yellow pages. Dishwasher spewing out buckets of foam? Shower rod in need of hanging? Suddenly, your man wants to exert his masculinity on these common household dilemmas. But unless you’ve moved in with a plumber or an honest to god handyman, he’s going to screw it up and make it worse. It’s like Murphy’s law, but worse. Anything that can go wrong will be made even worse by your boyfriend.

9. Sex tapes. The sex just isn’t as exciting when you’re living together. There’s no thrill. You can be as loud as you want, you know where all the condoms are, there’s no tip-toeing to the bathroom and you’ve abolished the risk of getting caught. You’re going to have to put some extra effort in the bedroom, which—after cleaning up after the food you’ve made and the mess he’s created—will not sound appealing. I suggest mirrors and a video camera.

10. The mystery is gone. Okay, Melanie. You were right. The sex isn’t as exciting, you’ve bugged him about the electricity bill, he hates your bedspread and, as you reminded me, he knows that your underwear collection is not made up of “all cute thongs from VS.” Now it’s all out there. Everything. Your bowel movements, your filthy sweatpants and your weird habits.

But isn’t that—number ten, the big reveal—the best part about moving in with a guy? Sure, the mating ritual is fun. I love first dates, and I love playing the game. But when the mystery is gone, so is the stress and the secrets and the make-believe. It’s not a romantic comedy. I’m a real person, and I have my flaws. So does my boyfriend. But I love him, nasty habits and appetite be damned.

That’s why we moved in together.

Share This Post:
  • Tobi

    I’ve been with my SO for almost 9 years, but we just started living together a month and a half ago. DEFINITELY interesting.

  • Jessica

    Living with a boyfriend does not have to be hard. Sure, all of these issues exist, but if your living with the right person, they don’t really matter in the long term. My boyfriend and I have been living together for two years, and every now and then we fight about cleanliness ect., but are essentially happy the vast majority of the time. One of the upsides to living with a boyfriend, versus a best friend, is you can fight out the small stuff, but still love them regardless. With friends, this can often result in long term hostitlity and awkwardness. Again, successful and happy cohabitation all goes back to being in a mature and healthy relationship. My advice to friends who are having a really difficult time cohabitating is that is really not supposed to be that tough, so maybe the issues are much deeper.

  • Jillian

    I`ve never lived with a guy except for if for my brother and dad. Even sharing a bathroom with my extremely hairy brother was quite the experience. So being young, I`m enjoying my time to myself and living with just girls. Every relationship has its own dynamic and there is no set timetable for when it`s right test the waters of living together. To each his own.

  • Eileen

    I’ve never lived with a boyfriend, but I have lived with male friends, and I just have to say this – any woman who can share a bathroom with a man and then get into bed with him is in it for the long haul.

  • Tracy

    I’ve been living with my boyfriend for three years and it has been a lot of fun. Our secret? Before we moved in we sat down and had a chat about what both of our expectations were. We split duties, bills, etc, so from the get go each person knew what they had to be responsible for. I do the dishes, he takes out the trash, I pay the electricity, he pays cable etc.

    We also created a joint account just for household funds we each put in rent+ a monthly amount for groceries/bills/etc. The rule is anything over $100 requires a co-sign off.

    We also split the bill on a cleaning lady who comes by twice a month for $60/visit. At first i hesitated at the $60 but fitting it into our budget (at the expense of other things!) has been an amazing decision considering we always come home to a clean house. :)

    Once those pesky details got taken care of, it’s pretty amazing. I get to come home to my best friend every day and I have such a blast living with him.

  • Beau

    The best part about living with your significant other is being able to have sex after all is said and done. It makes all the roommate arguments much more bearable. And, when you live with someone you end up loving them even more, because of, not despite of, their character flaws. The test of a true relationship is being able to work through problems together. An example of such a test is living with each others idiosyncrasies.

  • Mad

    I think if the things mentioned in that list are going to be an issue, then you’re not ready to live together yet. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years and we have lived in a share house for the last 6 months. We bicker more than we used to, but it’s never a big deal, sex is still great and it’s worth it to get to spend so much time with him.
    We cook together unless one of us is working late, in which case I’m happy to do the cooking/dishes and he is too. We’re both equally messy, but I’m the one who makes the most mess in the bathroom!
    I think it comes down to just being considerate, as it does with any other housemate. And as Beau said, the best part is that at the end of the day you get to be together and have a laugh and a chat and sexy time.

  • Katie

    I lived with my ex for over 2 years (the cohabitation had nothing to do with the eventual break-up). We really didn’t have any problems, just the occasional disagreement about whose turn it was to clean the bathroom, but my big pet peeve was the dishwasher. My ex would rinse the dishes and leave them in the sink when the dishwasher would be empty or have a few dirty dishes in it. Silly, yes, but it irritated me lol.

  • Paige

    I love my husband, and quite frankly, he gets onto me about cleaning. When its the other way around, I don’t give a shit to tell him to get off his ass, and load the damn dishwasher. Thats the way it will be til were in a nursing home. :)

  • Baal

    This is a good description of what it’s like to be married. At least for some people. If you’re this put out by the guy, maybe it’s the wrong guy. The guy you are describling sounds like a lout. Not all men are sports fan idiots. Not all men eat everything in sight and don’t clean up after themselves. My bathroom is always clean. And sex gets routine whether you’re living together or not.