• Wed, Sep 1 2010

The Heart Monitor: 10 Things I Smell About You

Nothing takes the romance out of a budding relationship quite like a cruddy odor. Bad smells can leave an even worse taste in your mouth. Ladies, gird your loins and hold your noses: here are the top ten foul-smelling, pheromone-killing deal-breakers.

1. Pedi-smell. The date was fantastic and the kiss was even better. You agree to go back to his place and make out on his couch for an hour. Things begin to heat up, and you slowly remove your clothes and take off your shoes when suddenly a smell so overpowering floods the room you run to the bathroom with your shirt in your hands covering your mouth so not to puke on his carpet. Foot odor can kill a hookup faster than a collection of troll dolls. And troll dolls don’t induce nausea.

2. Gym sweat smell. You’re impressed with his work out routine and even more so by his rock hard abs—too bad his sweat stench is less than impressive. And honestly, everyone goes to the gym and manages to soap off that work bench stench. But he somehow he still smells worse than a ripe junior high school locker room. Tell him to wipe off that sweat mustache and hit the shower already.

3. Dirty laundry smell. He went to the gym, he showered, and he promptly threw his damp workout clothes into his hamper. He would be a catch if only he did his laundry more than once every six months. If it smells like something died in his bedroom, it’s probably your relationship. Anyway, a man who can’t do his own laundry is a man who has mommy issues.

4. Bad breath smell. I get coffee breath. I mean, I get it, man. But draw the line at chronic halitosis. Morning breath is called morning breath because shouldn’t last all day and into the night. His fear of the dentist’s drill is legit. His fear of Listerine and floss is totally unacceptable. If it smells like something died in his mouth, it was probably a piece of meat. Oh yes, and your relationship.

5. Armpit smell. Nothing kills the mood quite like the wretch-inducing scent of BO. So give him a stick of Old Spice or Degree or even Tom’s of Maine and make sure he uses it. Don’t listen to his hippie excuses. Deodorant won’t give you breast cancer (at least that’s what a quick Google search informs me). And he doesn’t even have breasts!  Hell, if he’s really green, he could probably wipe his pits down with baking soda and that’d be fine, too.

6. Fart smell. Everybody poops. It’s true! And everyone farts, too. Even girls! However, there is a huge difference between a post- Mexican restaurant subtle walk-and-fart and ripping a loud, stinky one in public. At the very least, he should excuse himself or make some effort to curb his gas. The “whoever smelt it dealt it” rule does not apply after middle school.

7. Smoker’s smell. Nothing reeks more than a cigarette smoker. Hey, who doesn’t mind an occasionally marijuana joint? But the stale tobacco stink of cigarettes sticks to clothes, furniture, sweat and sex. It smells like your uncle Larry, who always creeped you out when you were a kid. A pack of Camel Lights costs almost ten dollars, which means he will not only smell disgusting, but he will be spending upwards of $3,000 a year to smell disgusting and taste like an ashtray. Gross on both counts.

8. Food smell. He has great taste in cheese because he works in a cheese shop. What a coincidence! The problem is: he also smells like he works in a cheese shop and he’s in charge of the imported goat’s milk department. Substitute cheese for curry, raw fish, cilantro, fryer grease or any other stinky food and you have a decision: lose five pounds due to loss of appetite, or lose your cool and dump him. Hint: he already smells like a dump.

9. Axe body smell. First there was Blue Water, then CK1, and now there’s Axe—for the boy who desperately wants to smell like a man. Now, I have nothing against a little spray of cologne or body spray on a freshly-scrubbed guy. But these scents usually offend in two ways: first, they cover up a deeper, more disgusting odor and second, they’re applied so strongly they make women want to pass out. Some of these heavy-duty scents could probably be sold off-label as date rape drugs when applied in large doses. If it smells too good to be true, don’t come any closer—it probably is.

10. Underwear smell. Dirty undergarment smell is just a polite way of saying that your man’s junk shouldn’t smell like shit. Your man’s cock should never smell like feet or stinky cheese or cigarettes or farts. Does he honestly expect you to fuck him when his dick smells like ball sweat? Does he really think you will blow him when his crotch smells like swamp ass? It’s probably infected. Gross. Use your head if you’re giving head—or at least buy a good set of nose plugs.

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  • Daniel

    What about penis fishy smell ? or vagina fishy smell !