Brazilian Wax: The Aftermath

Yesterday, I regaled you with tales of Brazilian bikini waxes gone wrong. While reading that, you no doubt noticed that I said I had scheduled one for this morning, and you’ve probably been all, “how did it go?!” allllll morning.

Well, it’s done, and I’m here to tell you, that was FUCKING HORRIBLE.

I’m not going to sugarcoat this. 30 minutes ago, someone poured hot wax on the pubic hair on my inner labia (inner labia pubic hair, I barely knew ye) and ripped it out by the roots. This horrible procedure was repeated several times, on both ssides of my poor, aching vagina, then again on my asscrack, which frankly, by that point, felt like a cool sip of refreshing mojito on a hot summer’s day.

I know I’m not the first person to get a Brazilian, and I’m sure I’m not the first to document it. In fact, people probably stopped documenting it about three years ago because the story had reached the point of oversaturation, which makes my tale of woe and wax either adorable in it’s retro naivete, or painfully tardy to the party. I don’t really care. Right now, as I sit on my Pilates ball to write this, my vagina stings and smarts. The aloe gel that I put on it 15 minutes ago is sticking to my underwear. And I’m sure that when I go to hit the pool tomorrow  — the entire point of this modern-day torture — I will have giant splotches of red, angry bumps, my vagina’s way of saying NO MEANS NO.

But here’s something you probably aren’t expecting me to say: I think I’m going to do it again.

The very few times in my life that I’ve had bikini waxes, the same thing always happens. I forget how hideous it is (granted — none of them have ever been as hideous as this one), and I don’t do it again for 3-5 years because I’m like, fuck THAT noise. But any waxer, as you know, will tell you it gets easier with time, and that is a theory I’ve never tested.

Why would I want to test it, you ask? Well — I want to know, living here in Southern California as I do, what it would feel like to be bikini-ready at all times (as we’ve discussed here before). What if a spontaneous invitation to the beach DIDN’T mean a frantic trip to Rite-Aid, followed by cowering in a bathroom stall hunched over my pubic area with a razor and a stick of deoderant (helps relieve razor rash) trying to get under the best lighting possible so that no stray pube went unshaved? Would it be a relief? Or do I actually not get that many spontaneous invivations to the beach?

I think I’m going to find out, ladies. So I’ll check back with you in about a month, after another 15 minutes of hot wax to the ‘gi. In the meantime, I’m off to the pool (after I blog a few more times).

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    • Jaina Gregor

      I go to a place that uses sugar instead of wax. It works at a lower temperature so it never feels like it’s burning my skin when it’s going on. Also, since it’s cooler, it doesn’t rip off as many layers of skin or something. Or so they say.

      • Kate

        I can second this. Go somewhere that uses sugar instead of wax. I have never had a bad experience with sugar, whereas friends who get waxed have skin come off. It is cooler, and it is water soluble. I have never had to use anything afterwards for pain, and any splotchiness goes away very soon.

      • Torontogal

        I agree – sugaring is the way to go. It doesn’t stick to your skin as much, hurts less when they pull it off. Also I find a really good esthetician doesn’t have to repeat the “yank” in the same darn place! Sugaring is the only way I manage to have this done regularly.
        AND – find this product ” Andrea Oucheeze Pre-Wax Spray”, it’s specifically meant to spray on to numb the bikini/brazilian area during waxing – Spray a good amount on about 30 minutes before and let it dry, then spray it on again just before (while they do your brows?). It makes a world of difference in reducing the pain!

    • Milka

      Oh Lord! I haven’t laugh this hard in a while!

    • e

      I once made the mistake of taking a salon up on their half-price special. The fact that the aesthetician had an old-growth forest on her upper lip should have tipped me off of what was to come. I left the salon that day bleeding and regretting the decision to ever step foot there in the first place. These days I do my own Brazilian waxes and not one time has it ever been traumatic as that incident.

    • CoreyCMathews

      Another choice to have your brazilian bikini wax is laser though it’s a bit expensive but it’s permanent that means once your hair is remove it’s gone forever.

    • Cary

      Couldn’t you just buy a pair of boy shorts?