Regarding the guy who decided to use his credit card rather than cash at the last minute. “You may not know this, but I already paid the bar — in cash — for your drink. See, I’m allotted money at the beginning of the night with which I buy drinks from the bar, getting reimbursed by you. But I can’t tell you that because then I look like the difficult one. You just wasted five minutes of my life, asshole.
Eh, that never happened when I was a cocktail waitress (a sexy pirate cocktail waitress with an eyepatch). But fortunately, I have a list of things that did happen! Wow, this is like time travelling back into the days where I always stank of spilt scotch and lived off bar food. Suffice to say, these things made me hate customers, so maybe you should stop doing them when you go into bars.
1) Use your big boy words. When I say “do you want a drink?” You have to say something. It can be “yes”. It can be “no.” It can be “I like monkeys because I’m an underwater sea leopard.” (The last one means, “no”.) I don’t care what you say. Just don’t roll your eyes into the back of your skull in some sort of elaborate code. All it does it make me think that you’re having a seizure, and I will refer to you as Julius Caesar for the rest of the evening. You won’t get it. No one will get it. I hate you.
2) Tip me, jerkface. Especially if you think I did a good job. I don’t need you to tell me I’m pretty. I don’t need you to tell me I’m too smart to be a cocktail waitress. Your compliments do not help me or Marilyn Monroe at the automat. I do need you to tip me. A dollar a drink is standard.And when you pass me a fistful of nickels as you would a homeless person? I hate you.
3) Do not attempt to haggle with me. It’s New York. The drinks do not cost what they cost in Podunk. Do I think $5 for a jello shot is outrageous? Yes, I do! But then, I do not know why you are eating alcoholic jello to begin with. Did they run out of all the real drinks in the entire world? Whatever. No matter how many times you exclaim that you could get 17 of these for 25 cents in Bumblefuck, the price will not change. And I will hate you.
4) Do not assume I’m an idiot. If you repeat your drink order to me, slowly, with ellipsis in your voice, more than three times, I will get it wrong, just to spite you. Because I hate you.
5) Do not sexually harass me, fucktard. That guy who used to think it was really funny to raise his fingers up in a V for Victory sign to his mouth and waggle his tongue back and forth? It took him about a month to realize that I was always spilling drinks on him deliberately. Because I hated him.