The Heart Monitor: An Idiot’s Guide to Handling a Hormonal Girlfriend

Step 1: The first rule of hormones is you do not talk about hormones.

If you suspect I’m acting hormonal, don’t actually use the word ‘hormonal.’ Don’t mention I might have PMS, don’t casually wonder what day of the month it is, and whatever you do, don’t be crass and ask if I’m “on the rag.” Who even uses rags, anyway? That’s disgusting. I can’t believe you think I would do that. Don’t you even know me at all anymore? Is this a joke to you? Do you think my body is funny?

It’s easy. Don’t ask, don’t tell.

Because, look, if I’m not hormonal and you ask if I’m hormonal, I will be insulted. There’s a very good chance that I’m just having a bad day. And if I happen to actually be PMSing when you ask me, I mean, is it that obvious? Can’t I still be angry for the sake of being angry? Do I NEED your permission to be mad at you? Or do I NEED TO CONSULT MY STUPID OVARIES before I STORM OUT of this ROOM? MAYBE I’M PISSED AT YOU BECAUSE YOU NEVER BRING ME FLOWERS ANYMORE. EVER THINK OF THAT, YOU LAZY, WORTHLESS, PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A BOYFRIEND? MAYBE THAT’S WHY.



Step 2: Look for warning signs.

When I’m PMSing, I crave carbs. What kind of carbs? All of them—and the less complex, the better. I hoard cartons of fried rice, boxes of cereal, plates of pasta, bowls of instant mashed potatoes and enough ramen noodles to feed a small country.

I will eat all of this food in bed, because I’m exhausted and even though I slept eleven hours last night and took a long bubble bath, I still feel like I was hit by a bus.

If I look fat, it’s not because I haven’t been exercising or because I’ve eaten my recommended daily calorie intake by breakfast. It’s not my fault! I don’t fit into my jeans because I’m bloated and retaining water.

Yes, I said retaining water. And even though I’ve been crying all day, it has nothing to do with the fact that I’m eating my feelings or I can’t even wedge my calves through the legs of my skinny jeans, okay? I’m crying because I’m sad, because there is a bus stop next to my apartment and sometimes I can hear a bus go by, and because the last time I talked to my dad on the phone he didn’t even ask about my job and I feel so ugly and tired and alone and you don’t understand me, you’ll never, ever understand me so just go away and leave me alone just like everyone else goes away.

Step 3. Give me what I want (and nobody gets hurt).

Don’t question my mood swings. If I want ice cream, give me ice cream. Don’t even think about substituting it for frozen yogurt unless you want me to burst into another round of tears. If I want to talk about my deep-rooted insecurities that trace back to my horrific junior high school experiences, let me talk about that time I had braces.

I’m going to need you to tell me I’m beautiful. I’m going to need a back rub. I’m going to need a bubble bath, but first I’m going to need for you to wash my bathtub. When I’m in the bubble bath, can you hold my magazine for me so the pages don’t get wet? Can you dim the lights, set up a few scented candles and make baby whale sounds? Can you run to the corner and pick me up a box of super tampons, another pint of ice cream, a bag of ice and a bottle of scotch? Can you make me a scotch milkshake and feed it to me in the bathtub?


Step 4: Forgiveness.

I don’t think we need to talk about my actions last night. I was hormonal, I was cranky, yadda yadda yadda, long story short, I lashed out at you. Can we just pretend this never happened? Can we just snuggle a little bit? I’ll share my ice cream with you. I promise. Love you, snookums. You’re the best.

Share This Post:
    • Gayle

      LOL so true especially #. Had a big fight my hubbie just this weekend because he DARED!!!! to tell me that i should go to the gym more often all because I was clutching my stomache (which was bloated by the way) ! the nerve

    • Venus in Furs

      This was hilarious, especially the part about the scotch milkshake.

    • PMS Junkie

      You just defeated my argument that my PMS is worse than everyone else’s PMS. Damn you! Damn you all to hell!! But first bring me roasted garlic mashed potatoes.

    • nolalola26

      That is exactly how I am, and I would send it to my BF if I weren’t so embarrassed by how painfully accurate it is.

    • Brandy Alexander

      If I could, I would blow all my sick days on PMS and come to work with strep throat and the stomach flu.

    • Lindsay Cross

      Um…. I did send it to my husband. Just so he could see that I wasn’t the only one…

    • James

      I agree that guys should understand the physical changes that occur and not hold them against women. I’m not sure that we should spoil women to the extreme as this argument suggests.

      This makes it sound like PMS is basically playing a get-whatever-you-want card…

    • Jess

      Damn you. Now I’m crying because I have pms & there’s no one around to bring me a scotch milkshake.

    • Eileen

      I think I once actually apologized to my friend while bawling my eyes out over the fact that he wanted me to partner a friend at beer pong, because even I realized I was not acting like a normal human being.

    • Colleen

      LOVE LOVE LOVE this article!
      And scotch milkshakes….this is something I’ll have to try! LOL

    • G-dizzle

      …Who acts like this? Is this assuming ALL women are like this, or only some, because I REALLY don’t want to be included in this category. As a chick, if I’m in a bad mood, it’s usually because I’m in physical pain. I don’t think I could stand being around ANYONE, hormones or not, who blows up or gets emotional over nothing, or over an issue that could be cleared up with a conversation. Makes me feel sorry for men…

    • Lindsay Cross

      Oh my gosh! THERE IS A BOURBON MILKSHAKE! It’s not scotch, but still. It was in The New York Times on Tuesday. Here’s the article:
      I saw it, and immediately thought of this article. Tonight, I’m breaking out the blender.

      • nolalola26

        Totally making that this weekend. Thanks for the link!

    • Killian

      I’m torn on this one. On the one hand, I see the “yup, been there, done that” part. But as much as I can see where you’re coming from, this kind of stuff -does- perpetuate the stereotypes that women use their hormonal spikes as an excuse for poor behavior.

      That said, my son made the mistake of asking his sisters if it was “that time of the month” one day when they were both in a mood, and not only did they rip his face clean off his skull, but the next time *he* was in a bad mood, they both went on about how he must be on his own menstrual cycle. *snork* Lesson learned, my son! =)

      • nolalola26

        I do agree on the “Women be BITCHES” thing perpetuates stereotypes, but in my case it’s 100% true.

        And the story about your kids? I spit my coffee all over my keyboard laughing! That was awesome.

    • Jenn

      LOVE THIS. Obviously an exaggeration but soo funny and spot on. Hahaha I am sending this to my bf so he knows I’m not the only one who cries a lot (and carbs overloads) when I’m pmsing.

    • lol

      silly women….