Tom Ford is back!
Since his Gucci/YSL departure some terrible years ago, the Tom Ford woman has been stuck with eyewear and minor variations on his signature fragrance, Black Orchid. If you’re a well-heeled gentleman, however, you’ve probably just continued to enjoy his immaculate tailoring and supple suits without interruption and, further, we hate you. But there’s no need to be petty, because Tom has come home.
He made his triumphant return to women’s wear on Sunday in a super clandestine and star-studded fete, in which famous pals—Beyonce! Lou Dillon! Daphne Guiness!—mingled in his new collection. Although no photography was allowed inside, details and too-brief descriptions are slowly trickling in: a silk leopard-print trouser suit, a backless LBD, and details in beads and feathers abounding.
There are so many things we’ve missed about Tom: he completely revamped and revitalized a then-floundering house of Gucci—taking it from unmemorable leather goods to the carnival of blue suede blazers and gorgeous gowns it became—sexed up and modernized YSL, said constantly amazing shit to the press, abated Victoria Beckham from publicly wearing his designs (so as not to dilute the brand!) and all while being really, really, really, almost comically good looking.
We love Tom. We covet Tom. And boy, have we missed him. So, until we can actually feast our eyes on his presumably gorgeous new designs, we’re rolling out a list of the best ways to usher in the Return of Tom.
-Buy his nail polish. It’s a deep bloody burgundy called (wait for it) Black Orchid and it will make your fingers look like they’ve been working with cadavers all day. …sexily.
-Wear his lipstick. What Tom wants on our mouths, Tom gets.
-Shave his initials into our pubic hair. In a pervy allusion to Ford’s famously perverse Gucci campaign (shot by professional pervert Terry Richardson), we would totally do this. Because the best way of paying tribute to Tom is with our privates.
-Wear long one-button smoking jackets with nothing underneath. Feels so louche, chic, sensuous… just don’t bend, lean or turn abruptly.
-Buy everything rouched. If it’s not rouched, Tom Ford doesn’t give a damn.
-Find some well-oiled, impossibly muscular Swedish twins and subjugate them. Duh.
Now that Tom’s returned, fashion’s become just a little bit sexier… what will you do to celebrate?