In Response to CNN’s Query: ‘What to do When Body Parts Fall Off’…

As far as I can tell, when faced with the situation CNN presents today: “What to do when body parts fall off,” there is only one appropriate response:

FUCKING PANIC.

Panic, scream, run around, cry, call your mom, and then scream some more. Because body parts, you see, aren’t supposed to “fall off.” They might get cut off, they might break, they might get cold and shrivel up. But if you have body parts falling off — just, like, there you are at Trader Joe’s, in the dairy aisle, and whoops! There goes your eyeball — you should fucking go from zero to sixty, rocketing immediately into complete and utter terror. That’s really the only thing to do.

I will add that CNN suggests a slightly calmer approach, in which you make your way over to the sink and gently, softly rinse off the finger that several seconds ago would have been an active participant in said rinsing. Here’s the next step:

Now get a clean cloth or piece of sterile gauze, dampen it with cold water and wrap the finger or toe in it. Then put the wrapped appendage into a plastic bag and put the bag in cold (preferably iced) water.

But, they admonish, be careful where you put that dismembered leg!

keep the body part with you. For example, don’t give it to a spouse…

I can see the next headline now: “Forgetful husband misplaces wife’s forearm.” It could even be a sitcom plot! That Raymond…always making a mess of things…

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    • Katie

      I was both laughing and suppressing the urge to vomit while reading this. At least I’m a little better prepared, anyway.

    • Meg

      Wait, WHY would anyone’s limbs be falling off in the first place!?