An Outsider’s Look At The Real Housewives of New Jersey

Lilit and the passel of interns spend at least half an hour every day talking about The Real Housewives of New Jersey. I don’t watch it, because I like TV shows to have a plot and some provocative questions about the nature of life. You know, the way Hellcats does (did you watch the Star Trek inspired episode yesterday? Magic!). But I’m pretty sure that I know enough knowledge just from hearing them talk about it to be able to fill you in on what the show is about if you, like me, have never seen it. Lilit and intern Hannah posed questions:

Which of the housewives should have left the show?: I would say probably Danielle. Because I don’t think she’s a real person. She looks like a wax mannequin they’ve propped up, at least she does in the one picture of her that I’ve seen.

Which ones are related?: Can I know their names first?

Jaclyn, Caroline, Deena and Danielle: I would say Deena and Danielle.

Why?: Because their parents liked alliteration.

Really?: It’s a Jersey thing and you wouldn’t understand.

You’re from the Midwest: I have seen Jersey Girl more than once.

Which one is the oldest?: Caroline! Caroline! She looks like a mafia wife who  might be a lesbian. 56. I’d say she’s 56. Or 42. Somewhere thereabouts.

What do you think they do for a living?: I believe Caroline is probably a good mafia wife, who could have an exciting cameo on the Sopranos, were the Soprano’s still on. I think one is a prostition whore. Danielle? Or Theresa? You know, that’s probably the best kind of whore to be, though I think it’s more politically correct to say sex worker. I think Jaclyn is a kindergarten teacher? Is she the one who seems nice? She’s a kindergarten teacher who sings country and western songs for cancer patients in her spare time.

How many children do they all have? It’s not fair for me to say, because I had insider knowledge that they’re all Mormon. So they all have 27,  but they don’t show them all. They swap them out. To make it more aspirational. For Bravo. One of them is also octomom.

Which one?: Danielle. It’s pretty incredible what you can do with spanx and good lighting.

What happens on each episode?: Two of them tangle with the cops after their latest arrest for prostitution-whoring. The other one comes and bails them out of jail, because she is a secret lawyer. Than Jacylns sings “I’ve got friends in low places” while the other ones do shots and try to seduce passing sailors. This happens in every single episode.

In conclusion – is this show really good enough for me to begin watching it? Seriously? I do sort of like The Real Housewives of New York.

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    • Malkovich

      How about fat rolls of cash? And bankruptcy. I think they are all bankrupt. Also there is a strange looking cat.