Allie Brosh Presents: Five Breakup-Prevention Strategies

When you’re being broken up with, you may feel helpless and unable to prevent the heartache before you.  But that’s because you aren’t trying hard enough!  Here are five strategies to manipulate your way out of a break up.

1.  Create a Language Barrier

Pretend you can’t speak English.  Even if you’ve spoken English thousands of times within earshot of your significant other, no one can prove that you haven’t suddenly forgotten the entire language.  And no one can break up with you if they can’t communicate that they are breaking up with you.

2.  Create a Sound Barrier

A variation of the suggestion above is to simply drown out your partner’s words with the loudest sound possible.  Again, no one can break up with you if you can’t understand what they’re saying.

3.  Make Yourself Indispensable

Poison something.  Use the antidote as leverage.

The one downside to this method is that you’ll have to give them the antidote eventually if you want to keep them alive, and then you won’t have unquestionable, supreme power anymore.  To solve this, you’ll have to keep poisoning things, effectively trapping your significant other in an endless cycle of desperate need.

4.  Monopolize Important Resources

This method can be tricky to pull off, but if done correctly, it can prevent a breakup indefinitely.

5.  Be Awesome

If you are awesome enough, no one will want to break up with you.  Become impressive.

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    • vicki

      I wanna meet someone made entirely of lasers!!!

    • Bohdana

      First to comment- I am awesome… ahahaha-just fulfilled the 5th requirement.
      As always Allie you are awesomerific(awesome + terrific).

    • Emily

      Fantastic! Although I had a roommate who used tried to make herself indispensable by driving her boyfriend everywhere and cooking his every meal. It didn’t work, and it was a lot sadder.

      http://www.thestuckduck.blogspot.com

    • Kate!

      Vicki:

      I’M YOUR GUY! (girl)

      I prefer conjuring tidal waves (and other natural disasters!) in order to prohibit breakups. But hey. To each her own.

      http://arguingwithadoughnut.blogspot.com

    • highjump

      Is twisting your head to the side an important component of the first two scenarios? Because I don’t think I can do that.

    • ashmoth

      I would never break up with someone made of lasers!

    • Misty

      I’m thinking that if you were dating someone made entirely of lasers, that eventually that would hurt. So that whole not breaking up b/c of impressiveness thing might backfire in that case. Just a thought. How about if he were made entirely of chocolate? Then I would never break up with him!! :)

      • Misty

        Could I have said “that” more times? Jeesh!!

      • Senora Ashley

        Dear Misty,
        I think that comment was ridiculous. Allie is creative and you don’t tell her what to put in her posts. The whole point of the person being made of lasers is because it’s funny. Also chocolate?!? Really you would just eat him/her.

      • MEH

        Hey, Senora Ashley . Fuck Off . She/He was Just Commenting

      • ARoy

        This option is worse! If you were made out of lasers you will be awesome, but also mysterious and unattainable. This is a great way to make someone fall in love, because we desire more what you can’t have. Now, if you were made out of chocolate: 1. you wouldn’t last long, and even if you did because you have the awesome power of growing new limbs, head, etc, then you will have other problems at hand: 2. diabetic gf/bf, or just a fat significant other with permanent diarrhea. Don’t make the mistake of turning into chocolate.

    • Cat Doss

      Wish I were made entirely out of lasers… :(

    • arhakim

      I. am. dying.

    • Tamshaw Cavaliere

      I’m not sure what just happened about breaking up with”him”. For starters, I think I was maybe kinda sorta trying to break up, but I think he read this advice first! Halfway through as I spun around the room while on the phone with “him”, I think he was saying HE thought we should break up, but then he started speaking in tongues and I got lost. So who’s zooming who?

    • stephaniejane

      Allie! está hecha de láseres!!

    • ehm2wafu

      I’m made entirely out of juice bubbles! u cant break up with me! im awesome!..

    • Ben

      I love you cause you make me laugh :)

    • Mariam

      Allie- you are absolutely incredible! I LOVE how your mind works!

    • Alex

      But eventually they will become immune to poisons.

      • Cynthia

        Especially if Allie uses Iocaine powder