Point-Counterpoint: Arranged Marriages For Chimps

Some ridiculously adorable chimpanzees in China were just bound in an arranged marriage. We saw an opportunity to manufacture some outrage! Lilit is arguing in favor of arranged marriages for chimps, because she doesn’t believe in love or happiness while Jennifer is against it, because she thinks maybe animals have a right to be happy and not trapped in a dark, cold, loveless world.

Lilit: I know, I know, you think you’re in love, but what do you know about love at your age? Just because he wears leather jackets and has a deep sexy growl doesn’t mean he’s good husband material, and it certainly doesn’t mean he’s good father material. Trust me, honey. Did I ever tell you about the boy I dated before your father? Picked a bar fight with a bonobo. Now, just look at Yangyang. Doesn’t he seem like such a nice boy? He even picks out his own sweaters. You’ll grow to love him, honey, I promise.

Jen: What about Koko, Lilit!? What about Koko, the amazing primate who can speak sign language and likes to paint? Do you think Koko would have been happy with this shmuck chimp in his little sweater? Umm, no. Koko wanted love. Koko wanted to choose her own mate. That’s why her keepers showed her videos of potential mates and when she found one she liked, she made signs for “I want to make kiss him.” Was that the best decision making process for choosing a mate? Maybe! I don’t know! I don’t think anyone, human or monkey knows. But I know that we all have a right to pursue love with creatures we want to make kisses with rather than some stranger chimp in a funny looking sweater.

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