• Tue, Sep 28 2010

“Secrets Women Keep” Really Not About All Women

According to YourTango’s “Dirty Little Secrets Women Keep From Men”

A good majority of us prefer to pee outside. And in the shower. And sometimes we really just want to do it in the hot tub, but we try to not do that one out of respect for everyone else in there.

What? No.

You know where I like to pee? In a toilet. And I’m taking my fear of poisonous snakes crawling through the plumbing into account when I say that. Even though I really, truly believe that if I don’t check the toilet every time before I sit down I’ll be one of the 50 people per year that die from toilet snake bite,  I still don’t say “well, I’ll just pee in the hot tub with all my friends there.” Because, no.

And peeing outside? Where are you peeing outside? What, like, when you’re camping? Jesus, this is one of the reasons I don’t camp. That and real life non-imaginary snakes.

Now, look, it’s cool for whoever wrote that article. Whatever. Pee away wherever you want, the world is your outhouse, lady! But I’m not keen on being grouped in that majority distinction.

Also, this:

Deep down we really hope that your guy friends secretly want to sleep with us, and very often we will dress for them and subtly flirt just so they will. We don’t want to bone them; we just want them to want us.

Well, no, dude, no. Not because I don’t ever fantasize about having sex with anybody but you (although you are the best, and even in my fantasies, it wouldn’t be as good as it is with you). And your friends are great. If they’re single and looking, I have some single female friends I’d be totally happy to set up with them. But flirting with your guy friends and dressing sexily for them seems like it would just put everyone in a really uncomfortable situation. It actually seems almost as though I’d be trying to provoke a fight between you two, and while that seems amazing in romantic comedies, it seems like it would suck for everyone in real life. I don’t know why I’d do that, barring listening to “My Best Friend’s Girl” until it bored holes in my brain and made me categorically insane.

So, anyhow, in conclusion, I’m never going in a hot tub again, and if I am anywhere near a hot tub, I’ll be wearing a burka to avoid your male friends’ lascivious glances. Fuck. How am I going to find a time machine now?

Dirty Little Secrets Women Keep – YourTango

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  • jamie

    I love peeing outside. Actually, given a choice between a public toilet and a nice patch of grass, I will always choose the patch of grass. It’s cleaner.