Sometimes, when reality TV stars get book deals I get mad (Lauren Conrad, Kate Gosselin, Bethenny Frankel and every other Real Housewife of any city). Why do they get book deals before I do? What about their lives is so unique that they have the authority to write about it? What do they know about writing a book? What do they know about anything, really? Other than famewhoring. But that’s just me being bitter. Sorry. However, when I learned of the news that Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi got a deal with Simon & Schuster to write a novel called, A Shore Thing, I didn’t get mad. I’m ecstatic! Snooki is by far my favorite cast member on the Jersey Shore. She’s tiny, she’s honest, she’s adorable and she’s responsible for the tanning tax. Who couldn’t lover her? Snooki’s book may not be the most profound literature that will be sold (in just four months!), but it will probably be the most hilarious. I often have trouble deciphering if I’m laughing with or at Snooks, but really, I think that with the help of her editors at Simon & Schuster, I’ll be laughing with. I think it’s pretty obvious her book will be about a girl searching for love one summer at the Jersey shore. Other inherent themes in the book will include life as a guidette, friendships and enemies, and tanning. Here’s what I predict an outline of her novel will look like:
Chapter One: “I can’t see any ice creams, I can’t see any customers, ’cause I’m a fucking Smurf.”
This chapter will outline who the main character is: a tiny person. The main character will face challenges with her height (or lack thereof) at work, while partying and in love.
Chapter Two: “The glasses are pretty much all crystalled out. All bling-bling. But when you put them on you can’t really see. So I don’t think you can’t drive with them, because you’ll get a ticket.”
Guidette style and it’s practicality.
Chapter Three: “I don’t go tanning tanning anymore because Obama put a 10% tax on tanning. I feel like he did that intentionally for us. Like McCain would never put a 10% tax on tanning because he is pale and he would probably wanna be tanned.”
The importance of tanning and tanning culture.
Chapter Four: “Now I know that they all love me like I love them. Like, I stuck up for them — that’s why I got hit in the face, and I think they realize that and they realize I’m a nice person and I care about everybody in this house and now they all feel the same way about me.”
Girl power, being punched in the face and making best friends from a tragic event.
Chapter Five: “You don’t deserve to be here Angelina and you’re a fucking white rat and you’re fucking pale and you’re nasty.”
An enemy emerges.
Chapter Six: “Eating fried pickles was a life changing experience.”
Snooki loves pickles. Therefore, there will be an entire chapter about pickles. I’m not sure how it will be included in the story line just yet, but the pickle theme WILL be there.
Chapter Seven: “My ultimate dream is to move to Jersey, find a nice juiced hot tanned guy and live my life.”
This chapter will be based on the character’s search for love. Snooki, as a writer, will bring inspiration from her future reality dating show, Snookin’ for Love.
Chapter Eight: “I really don’t want to cheat, like seriously, I don’t want to, but if you’re gonna hand me a bottle of friggin’ SoCo, something just comes over me, like I just go crazy.”
But why staying in a relationship is so hard.