Is There Anything Worse Than Having a Spider on You?

Every night at around 7:00 p.m., I take my dog for a walk. And every night, I think about the possibility of one of the mammoth spiders that build their invisible webs in my neighborhood descending upon me from out of the darkness, and staying put on my person for an indefinite of time because I can’t see to get them off. This is one of the most terrifying thoughts of my day.

So I thought I’d compile a list of a things that could happen to me that might be worse than having a spider freefall onto my head, with the hope of maybe eliminating my fear. These are, of course, excluding serious physical injury:

I could come home to find that my computer has crashed and I’ve lost all my work for the day — nay, my life.

I could get a scorpion in my shoe.

I could be the person among us that confirms first-hand the existence of toilet snakes.

Along those lines, I could turn out to be right about the possibility of sharks in pools.

I could somehow wind up like the people who got stuck in the middle of the ocean in that one movie.

I could pull back the covers one night to find a potato bug (link NSF insect-phobics), which would not only be horrifying but very expensive because obviously then I’d have to get new sheets, a new bed and a new apartment.

So I guess there are a few things that would be a little bit worse. Feel free to add to this list in the comment section.

*ADDENDUM: As if my fear of spiders wasn’t already bad enough, I have now been permanently traumatized by trying to google an image to accompany this post. I suggest you avoid ever doing the same.

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    • Aileen

      I think I need a new computer, bed, and apartment after looking at that potato bug.

    • Ireri

      I was just cleaning behind my bookshelf while looking for an old CD and found a disgustingly huge spider web. And then I read this. So I guess I’m not sleeping tonight.

    • CurlySarah29

      Where I live, we have these “house centipedes” – Long-legged centipedes as big as a mouse… Yeah, once, I moved a pillow off my bed and it was under that. They’re soooo fast, and I only had my TV on for light, but I knew I saw it… I turned the lights on, and searched everywhere for it… nothing. I got into bed and tried to make myself calm down when I saw it crawling up the wall! I got that sucker with a can of hairspray (yeah, it works… try it. works on spiders too). I think it had crawled up on the ceiling and dropped onto my bed in the first place. (I have the shivers again as I type this)

      • Kamila

        Centipedes scare the shit out of me. In the summer they magically appear on the walls after it rains and reduce me to alarmed squeals and begging someone to send to the bowels of hell. Your story is the stuff of my worst nightmares

        However, I’ve survived having a spider reside on my person for a few hours when I was a kid, which dissipated my fear of them. I view them more as helpful and unobtrusive (at least up here in Canada, where we don’t have big venomous sorts) since they seem to be terrified of me and tend to kill other, possibly scarier bugs. If a spider bothers me (like say it takes up habitation too close to my bed) I trap it and release it outside.

      • Kamila

        Centipedes scare the shit out of me. In the summer they magically appear on the walls after it rains and reduce me to alarmed squeals and begging someone to send to the bowels of hell. Your story is the stuff of my worst nightmares

        However, I’ve survived having a spider reside on my person for a few hours when I was a kid, which dissipated my fear of them. I view them more as helpful and unobtrusive (at least up here in Canada, where we don’t have big venomous sorts) since they seem to be terrified of me and tend to kill other, possibly scarier bugs. If a spider bothers me (like say it takes up habitation too close to my bed) I trap it and release it outside.

      • Jessica Pauline Ogilvie

        Thank God you saw it! A few weeks ago I was staying in a hotel (a really nice hotel, I’ll add) and I saw a cockroach on the floor, and as I stood there paralyzed with fear and indecision I watched as it CRAWLED UNDER THE CARPET. For all I know it’s in my home right now, having traveled back with me in my suitcase. Missing bugs are never good.

    • nolalola27

      Coconut crabs. Google it. I am never, ever going to fantasize about visiting a tropical island ever again.

      • Jennifer Wright

        Dear NolaLola,

        Thanks for this exciting new addition to my nightmare box. However, I will take coconut crabs and raise you a rat king. Google it.

      • nolalola27

        Re: Rat King – That trumps fly leg lashes, for sure. I think the new Google Image search format makes these kinds of things worse.

      • Jessica Pauline Ogilvie

        I had to drink heavily after the google searches I endured while writing this.