Modern Etiquette: How to Get Defriended

Is your Facebook feed changing too quickly to keep up? Are you worried that too many people can see your profile? Just get defriended. Here’s a guide, inspired by that annoying girl from college I finally defriended last week.

  • Sign up for every single application on Facebook. Farmville? Check. Mafia Wars? Check. The one where you collect undersea animals? Done and done.
  • Invite your friends to join you in participating in said applications. I mean, your farm isn’t going to grow itself.
  • Write all your status updates in all caps and/or with multiple exclamation points.
  • Mention bodily functions – either your own or those of your child.
  • Use your status updates to passive-agressively talk shit about people you are Facebook friends with.
  • Embrace either far left or far right politics, then post a dozen news stories a day related to your political opinion, complete with commentary. Bonus points for posting these to others’ walls.
  • Only use your Facebook account to update people on every second of your wedding planning and/or pregnancy.
  • Always comment on others’ status updates, and make sure the comment is about you and your feelings instead of whatever the update is actually about.
  • Take pictures where you look good and your friends look bad, then tag all of your friends.
  • Ask people for money.
  • Enter yourself in some kind of contest that requires people to click on something and vote, then post a reminder/plea about it at least seventeen times an hour.
  • Microblog your breakup. The more painful it gets, the better. Oh, and you should definitely tag your ex in the most embarrassingly morose posts.
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    • edi

      “liking” all those awful things that aren’t even worth status updates. they’re just awful.

    • Lindsay Hartman

      Aw, Lilit… I thought you really liked hearing about my flower choices, napkin rings and how many hours it took to do my seating arrangements. Geez…. And you pretended to care about my daughter’s trouble potty training. I just never knew you felt this way…