• Wed, Oct 6 2010

I Don’t Care What Celebrities Think About Breastfeeding

Lately, there’s been a whole lot of boob talk! Small boobs are suddenly in fashion, Katy Perry should keep hers contained and Heidi Montag’s are uncontrollable. But there’s one bit of nana-discussion that’s always in vogue.
Breastfeeding! No matter what’s going on, a nursing mother, especially a celebrity nursing mother, would just love to share. Most of them gush about how great it is, some invoke humility and admit that it’s difficult. But every mother who goes through the pain and frustration of breastfeeding wants people to know how dedicated they are.

Because lately, every good mother nurses. We feel sorry for mothers who don’t nurse!

Don’t get me wrong, I know that there are advantages for children who get breastmilk. I nursed my daughter as long as I could. But when I had to stop at six months because my daughter ate way more milk than I could provide, I felt like a failure. I tried and tried, pumping every second I could spare, but it wasn’t enough. And for some mothers, they’ll never be able to produce milk. That’s part of the reason why hearing that constant boob talk can be frustrating.

But we’ll have to get used to it. Because as long as mothers nurse, they are going to be proud of themselves for surviving it. The following are some quotes from smugly superior to barely-made-it-through celebrity moms about becoming walking, talking milkshake machines.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: I’m going to do it as long as I can, there is something so intimate about it. For the one hour or 45 minutes it’s just wonderful. It’s wonderful bonding and you know they’re getting all those antibodies.

Jodie Foster: I just can’t stop losing weight with the breastfeeding. I ate as much as I possible could, but kept losing.

Nancy O’Dell: Breastfeeding is the best diet. I want to eat healthy for her, so it’s easy to say no to pizza.

Lindsay Cross: How can she hate Mexican food? The milk can’t taste that different! This is ridiculous. She was supposed to stop dictating my diet once I popped her out!

Tori Spelling: Yes, it’s hard, but I love it. That’s our time together, and I can give him the one thing he wants…food!

Elisabeth Hasselbeck (on her breast pump): I mean, I am thankful to have a great one, and that there is a way to be at work and still nourish your child, and keep moms from becoming engorged to the point of high fever…but I still hate it. I do.

Christina Aguilera: I think they say that when you’re breastfeeding, your weight kind of slims down. It’s a little easier. It’s like a workout within itself. It’s very tiring actually and you find yourself snacking more often.

Jennifer Garner: All I ever heard was everyone bitch about it, nobody ever said, ‘You are not going to believe how emotional this is.’ It’s like, I’ll say I’m going to stop, and then I’m in there, feeding her.

Lindsay Cross: All I ever heard about was how great and emotional this is. All I can think about is that if she bites my nipple one more time, I’m going to scream.

Helena Bonham Carter: You know you’re providing a real service. After carrying around your boobs for so long, it’s nice to know they have an actual purpose.

Kate Beckinsale: Breastfeeding is like, you call up a pizza and if you call it up a lot, like 27 pizzas arrive. And that’s what I was like. I could hit the wall from quite a distance.

Lindsay Cross: My boobs feel like 10 lb rocks. Is this what a bad implant feels like? Seriously, two huge rocks sitting on top of my chest. Except these rocks leak through my shirt.

Naomi Watts: I feel like I have probably lost a good 75 percent of my brain power. … I say it halved itself and it halved itself again. It’s not just the sleep deprivation, it is the breastfeeding and I call it the ‘lactose lobotomy.’

Bethenny Frankel: But the feeding and the pumping is very time consuming. It’s worth the sacrifice and I love it and I love the time with her and I know it’s healthy and I should be on the cover of Juggs magazine. It’s rewarding, but it’s definitely challenging.

Kourtney Kardashian: I’m still loving it. I love the bonding time, love that it’s natural and what your body is made to do, love the benefits for his body and mine. I find it to be such an amazing womanly thing.

Gwen Stefani: I think [breastfeeding] gives you superhuman powers.

Gisele Bundchen: Some people here (in the US) think they don’t have to breastfeed, and I think ‘Are you going to give chemical food to your child when they are so little?’ I think there should be a worldwide law, in my opinion, that mothers should breastfeed their babies for six months.

Lindsay Cross: I think there should be a worldwide law that celebrities stop talking down to the rest of the world. Gracing the cover of magazines and having a baby doesn’t make you a motherhood guru. And it definitely doesn’t make your experience any more valid than someone else’s.

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  • Leah

    Wow, Gisele Bundchen is kind of a pretentious bitch!

  • Cait

    Hahaha – seriously! These people are all self-absorbed freaks in the first place – Angelina carried blood of Billy Bob, slept with everyone she could, stole husbands, etc. etc.; Frankel, Kardashian and Hasselback have to be some of the dumbest women on Earth; and Christina got arrested for being drunk… hmm, and these are the people we should be taking health-advice from? Haha, don’t think so.