• Fri, Oct 8 2010

Someone Tried To Kill An Internet Commenter

Breanna Greathouse felt that someone was wrong on the Internet. So she tried to to kill them.

Specifically, she felt they were wrong in the slanderous accusations they made about her reputation. Apparently, the things they said about her on UndergroundHipHop.com were so vile that they couldn’t be reprinted. Judging from the other comments on UndergroundHipHop.com – “suck your faggot dick elsewhere!” and “you is royally fucked because you can’t keep your cousin fucking mouth shut” and “ah guh wuk yuh dutty sket mudda bway noh 1ne kah fa u fairy teale” (I have absolutely no idea what that means) -  I am betting someone called Breanna a “see you next Tuesday”.

And then she looked them up, and drove 200 miles across the country in an attempt to kill them.

I’d just like to say I’m not in favor of this.

Look, people generally stumble into TheGloss and call me a cunt at least once a week. And that’s a good thing. It’s good that people are reading, and it’s good that people have strong emotional responses to things we post here. I will approve all the comments where you call me a cunt until the end of time. And I’d like to say “pshaw, my name is Cunty McCuntface, those insults mean nothing to me.” And, you know, if I’m in a good mood and everything is going well, it does mean almost nothing, because I can dismiss that comment as I do the one from the homeless person who tells me I’m the reincarnation of Mary Magdalene. But if it’s a bad day, or I’m already feeling hungry or sad and my defenses are down, it still hurts a little bit, because it’s like “here I am, gosh, it’s rainy out, I’m thinking about buying some goldfish, oh, whoa, someone just called me a cunt”.

But I don’t drive across the country to kill them. I don’t have a car.

Oh, and because that’s a bad idea.

First off, it’s a bad idea because it won’t work. I mean, even if you do have a car or a basic ability to manage public transportation. Likely you’ll just end up being arrested after waving your gun around in public, like Breanna Greathouse. Because, you know, you’ll be a full-on crazy person, and full-on crazy people do things like that.

Also, it’s a bad idea because when you get arrested and go to jail and tell your cellmate “someone was wrong on the Internet” they’ll say that you seem to betray a fundamental lack of understanding about how the Internet works.

How does the Internet work? Like Bartertown, that’s how it works.

At least as far as I can tell, the Internet seems like a lawless post-apocalyptic town where people get to behave however they want. No one knows who you are. No one knows your real name. No one can find you. Unless you’re an idiot, like the one who insulted Breanna. Taking that into account I think it’s amazing that every comment doesn’t read “fuck a donkey you cunt I will kill you with a fork and a jelly donut.” (Or rather, that comment, but spelt funny).They certainly could, and there would be no repercussions the way there are in real life (that stuff will get you beat up, fired, [general bad thing of your choice] if you say it out of the blue in real life. Unless you have Tourettes. Those people get away with everything).

But they don’t. Most comments – at TheGloss, and other places – are interesting, and witty, and provoke further discussion. Isn’t that amazing? People have total freedom to be complete raging douchebags and, most of the time, they still aren’t.

You guys give me hope that when the zombies come, it will take at least a month before we resort to full-on cannibalism.

Leave your thoughts in the comments!

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  • Joan Stricker

    What an open, honest, wise commentary! The fact that it’s also supremely hilarious is an added bonus. Thanks for saying the things we all feel :)

  • johnnycomelately

    “I can dismiss that comment as I do the one from the homeless person who tells me I’m the reincarnation of Mary Magdalene”

    I think that was meant to be a compliment.

  • christiner

    I think you are wonderful, Cunty McCuntface!

    • Jennifer Wright

      Watch out, Christiner, I’m going to steal a car and drive across the country to hug you.

  • stephanie wagner

    i like the article and your sense of humor. i wish there was more detail on the attempted murder. My curiousity has been piqued like a boner on a hippo.

  • bodo

    you’d have to board a plane or ship to come kill me!

  • bodo

    you’d have to board a plane or ship to come kill me!

  • bodo

    double post, nice. till tuesday, then – am I doin it right?

  • sad

    the girl past away she killed herself how sad,

  • sad

    breanna,that is the internet is antichrist,ahhhhhhhh