Allie Brosh Presents: Five Ways To MAKE Her Love You

It can be frustrating when someone you love doesn’t love you back.  Luckily, there are some steps you can take to remedy the situation.

1.  Classical conditioning

2.  Scent-mediated deprogramming

Disable the reasoning center of her brain by coating yourself with a variety of extremely strong, unrelated scents (such as Axe body spray, carpet deodorizer and deer urine) and then standing near her.  Her small brain cannot process so many odors at once and she will become incapacitated and thus vulnerable to your advances.  Convince her that she loves you while she is disabled by this barrage of olfactory stimulation.

3.  Stockholm Syndrome

Warning:  this may be highly illegal.  To minimize the risk of legal repercussions, tie her up using a pretty ribbon instead of rope.  This will make it look much less like a hostage/kidnapping situation and more like something fun and lighthearted.  Also, try to keep her from screaming.

4.  Juxtaposition

Wait for something really terrible to happen to her, then stand nearby and act suave.  Compared to her personal tragedy, you will start to look pretty awesome.  It’s simple logic, really.

5.  Yell really, really loud

Yelling is one of the oldest known persuasive techniques.  Use it to your advantage.

Share This Post:
    • gingela5

      The way I snagged my husband was finding the cutest guy with the lowest self-esteem. Tricked him into thinking I was all he could get. Ba-da-bing ,ba-da-boom…

    • Emily

      I did the cookies thing. I didn’t mean to do it that way, but that’s what happened.

    • Bohdana

      Alli- Awesome.
      Gingela- you are an inspiration!!!

    • ehm2wafu

      4. It works! i’ll try the cookie thingy.. hehehe!

    • rainingonyourparade

      I’ve actually had people try the “be around and give me things like food” gambit on me before. It really didn’t work, because when he wasn’t giving away food he was horribly annoying. Can’t win ‘em all, I suppose.

    • Rob


    • Amy L

      I think my husband did #1, only with guitar lessons instead of cookies….how sneaky!

    • Beatrice

      A deft combination of #1 and #4 worked very nicely for me. We are very happy. But I have to make a lot of treats all the time, or he tries to sneak away when I’m not looking.

    • Stephanie and her sort of funny blog

      Cookies and/or chocolate indeed.

      But then he won’t love her anymore if she gets fat!

      And I’d be outta there (or barfing) at the olfactory overload. Stockholm is questionable at best, but no way, Jose, on the olfactory.

      We miss your bloggggg!

    • Amy

      I’m pretty sure #1 is the most common of all time. Be honest Allie, is it number one because someone’s done it to you?


    • Abby-Wan Kenobi

      Good to have you back, Brosh. Suggestion for keeping kidnapping victims quiet until Stockholm syndrome sets in: Taffy. It gets all stuck in your teeth and you can’t get shouty when you’re mouth is busy working through delicious taffy.

      • Abby-Wan Kenobi

        Obviously, I meant “your”. This is why I shouldn’t write stuff before I’ve finished my coffee.

        I hate myself, Alot :(

    • stephaniejane

      I think I work with someone who is trying out #2. It is the worst but I can easily see their intended victim making poor decisions based on the brain flattening contact high of the scent.

    • moo

      My boyfriend has managed to work the long distance #1.. ahhh sweet technology..

    • Kristy

      your posts are awesome Allie.

    • overthere

      Bout to be sent to a war zone, your advice is helpful.
      1.) conditioning…she will have to be there.
      2.) natch, both will be using this technique.
      3.) works for me, don’t want her roaming bout the desert like a lost camel.
      4.) Bound to happen, maybe…just hope it’s not one of us.
      5.) Yelling to her during a firefight…that’s the winner. Actually better than facing the future in-laws beforehand.


    • Regina

      Haha, this is great, just like all of your work.
      I know someone that tried #4 on me.

      My friend died, he made me spaghetti, I told him he’s a great friend, he was offended by the term ‘friend’, and then he backed up into the corner of my room and cried and said I really hurt him.

      • Te

        Owwww. Wow. Beware the “nice” guy.

    • Te

      Yay! I’m so glad I was directed to this cache of heretofore unknown Allie posts! This was great.

    • krob.08

      I did #1 with cake for his birthday :) And we’ve been married for almost 4 years!

      Allie: I don’t know how I haven’t seen this before, but I heart your posts ever so much. Just wanted to share!

    • Forever Alone

      This post wasn’t helpful AT ALL. I tried all the methods and obtained zero results. Very disappointing.

    • Ashley

      Part of me really wants to hate you because you’re too funny and you’re making the rest of us moderately funny people look bad. But I can’t. God damn you.

    • Jane Cooper

      I love this oh my gosh