Flirting — an evolved iteration of the mating ritual — is a common sport among singles of all species. Birds flaunt their feathers, dogs sniff each others’ butts, and men use pick-up lines.
Pick-up lines have been around since the cavemen (“Hey baby, I invented fire — can you light mine?). Some of them actually work, such as “Can I buy you a drink?” or “I’d love to take you out. Can I have your number?” But most men don’t rely on such banal, successful lines. They prefer the embarrassingly bad lines that are so cheesy and inappropriate, it’s no wonder they’re still single.
Presented for your dismissal: the top ten worst, over-used, unsuccessful pick-up lines.
1. “Is your daddy a thief? Because it looks like he stole the stars out of the sky and put them in your eyes. “
Okay, let’s start with the obvious. If you’re trying to sleep with a girl, don’t make your first move with a daddy comment. Unless she has an Electra complex, she doesn’t want to think about her father when she’s being hit on.
2. “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put I next to U. “
Well, as impressed I am with your pre-school knowledge of the alphabet, you know what I’d like you to do with the letters? How about rearranging them into something smart? Or witty? Or original? Just a suggestion, Shakespeare.
3. “Fuck me if I’m wrong, but aren’t you Elvis Presley?”
This is a come-on that works best on cougars. Oh, did I say cougars? Sorry, I mean moms of cougars. Elvis died in 1977 — and “sightings” of The King have gone down incrementally with every generation that signs up for AARP. This pick-up line has definitely left the building.
4. “Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants.”
Who wears a mirror in their pants? Are you calling me vain or are you really that stupid? Either way, this is a terrible way to get a woman’s attention. Is that a drink on your pants? Because I’m about to spill mine on yours.
5. “You must be tired from running through my dreams all night.”
Ugh, this line is staler than a bowl of bar-top party mix. Never tell a woman she looks tired. That’s like telling a woman she looks fat in those jeans. Come on, guys, I shouldn’t have to explain why this line bombs. This is Complimenting A Woman 101.
6. “Are you looking for a stud? Because I’ve got the STD and all I need is U.”
It sounds like he’s trying to spread gonorrhea, not legs. Sexually transmitted diseases aren’t fun until you’ve gone on a few dates and you’re sharing those deep, dark, condom-ladled secrets. And, again, stop it with the alphabet jokes. They just make women want to move an F next to a U.
7. “How much does a polar bear weight? Enough to break the ice!”
Do you know what girls like? Puppies! Do you know what else? Cute bears! Can you picture a polar bear on an iceberg? Super cute, right? Yeah, until you start thinking about those Save the Polar Bear commercials that depict the sweet, innocent bears dying while the icecaps melt. Not so cute anymore, buddy.
8. “Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?”
Well, I can certainly commend a man on his straightforwardness and sincerity. Clearly, he’s an honest, confident guy who knows what he wants. Kudos on the high self-esteem. But I get leery when a straight guy makes comments about my shoes. It’s always a warning sign that he might play for the other team.
9. “Hey, I know this is weird, but you look a lot like my next girlfriend.”
Aren’t we presumptuous! Confidence is one thing, but cocky assholes who feign sensitivity make me sick. Just admit you want to sleep with her. Don’t play the romance card so early in the game! This is why women get clingy and men freak out and run off. This. This right here. You did it to yourselves.
10. “Nice dress. It would look even better crumpled up on my floor tomorrow morning.”
This is incredibly rude. But, it’s kind of direct … and you’re complimenting my dress … actually, this line is pretty great. But you know what would be better? Something about breakfast tomorrow morning. Pancakes would be nice. After all those watered down martinis, SoCo and lime shots, greasy men and bad pick-up lines, a girl’s gotta eat.
Think these are benign? Do you have pick-up horror stories involving terrifyingly bad come-ons? I’d love to hear your best worst encounters in the comments below.