The Heart Monitor: Top 10 Worst, Overused, Unsuccessful Pick-up Lines

Flirting — an evolved iteration of the mating ritual — is a common sport among singles of all species. Birds flaunt their feathers, dogs sniff each others’ butts, and men use pick-up lines.

Pick-up lines have been around since the cavemen (“Hey baby, I invented fire — can you light mine?). Some of them actually work, such as “Can I buy you a drink?” or “I’d love to take you out. Can I have your number?” But most men don’t rely on such banal, successful lines. They prefer the embarrassingly bad lines that are so cheesy and inappropriate, it’s no wonder they’re still single.

Presented for your dismissal: the top ten worst, over-used, unsuccessful pick-up lines.

1. “Is your daddy a thief? Because it looks like he stole the stars out of the sky and put them in your eyes. “
Okay, let’s start with the obvious. If you’re trying to sleep with a girl, don’t make your first move with a daddy comment. Unless she has an Electra complex, she doesn’t want to think about her father when she’s being hit on.

2. “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put I next to U. “
Well, as impressed I am with your pre-school knowledge of the alphabet, you know what I’d like you to do with the letters? How about rearranging them into something smart? Or witty? Or original? Just a suggestion, Shakespeare.

3. “Fuck me if I’m wrong, but aren’t you Elvis Presley?”
This is a come-on that works best on cougars. Oh, did I say cougars? Sorry, I mean moms of cougars. Elvis died in 1977 — and “sightings” of The King have gone down incrementally with every generation that signs up for AARP. This pick-up line has definitely left the building.

4. “Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants.”
Who wears a mirror in their pants? Are you calling me vain or are you really that stupid? Either way, this is a terrible way to get a woman’s attention. Is that a drink on your pants? Because I’m about to spill mine on yours.

5. “You must be tired from running through my dreams all night.”
Ugh, this line is staler than a bowl of bar-top party mix. Never tell a woman she looks tired. That’s like telling a woman she looks fat in those jeans. Come on, guys, I shouldn’t have to explain why this line bombs. This is Complimenting A Woman 101.

6. “Are you looking for a stud? Because I’ve got the STD and all I need is U.”
It sounds like he’s trying to spread gonorrhea, not legs. Sexually transmitted diseases aren’t fun until you’ve gone on a few dates and you’re sharing those deep, dark, condom-ladled secrets. And, again, stop it with the alphabet jokes. They just make women want to move an F next to a U.

7. “How much does a polar bear weight? Enough to break the ice!”

Do you know what girls like? Puppies! Do you know what else? Cute bears! Can you picture a polar bear on an iceberg? Super cute, right? Yeah, until you start thinking about those Save the Polar Bear commercials that depict the sweet, innocent bears dying while the icecaps melt. Not so cute anymore, buddy.

8. “Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?”

Well, I can certainly commend a man on his straightforwardness and sincerity. Clearly, he’s an honest, confident guy who knows what he wants. Kudos on the high self-esteem. But I get leery when a straight guy makes comments about my shoes. It’s always a warning sign that he might play for the other team.

9. “Hey, I know this is weird, but you look a lot like my next girlfriend.”
Aren’t we presumptuous! Confidence is one thing, but cocky assholes who feign sensitivity make me sick. Just admit you want to sleep with her. Don’t play the romance card so early in the game! This is why women get clingy and men freak out and run off. This. This right here. You did it to yourselves.

10. “Nice dress. It would look even better crumpled up on my floor tomorrow morning.”

This is incredibly rude. But, it’s kind of direct … and you’re complimenting my dress … actually, this line is pretty great. But you know what would be better? Something about breakfast tomorrow morning. Pancakes would be nice. After all those watered down martinis, SoCo and lime shots, greasy men and bad pick-up lines, a girl’s gotta eat.

Think these are benign? Do you have pick-up horror stories involving terrifyingly bad come-ons? I’d love to hear your best worst encounters in the comments below.

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    • Lindsay Hartman

      Ok, this isn’t a pickup line, but it stems from a very bad one. I’m not sure if you’ve seen the Passive Aggressive Panda tumblr, but I find it funny. It has one that says, “Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.” And for whatever reason, I’m giggling as I type this, even though I’ve read the thing a hundred times.

    • gotplaid

      My favorite pick-up line was delivered by one Rico Suave in a dimly lit dive in Baltimore (I’m all class.). He turned to me, shouted, “DAMN,” and sidled up to me with this line:

      “You are the prettiest girl in this club. You are so pretty, you’re almost as pretty as the woman I came with. You and her are of equal prettiness.”

      It was a pretty slow Wednesday night at the bar.

    • Eileen

      “I love the women’s movement, because these days more women are in higher education than men. And women don’t like to date men who are less-well-educated than they are…so the master’s in economics is giving me an edge. ‘Cause men don’t care if women are smart or intellectually curious; we just care if they’re hot.”

      I’m really lucky he didn’t stop at “You’re very pretty” and followed it with the above instead of asking for my phone number, because he was cute and I probably would’ve given it to him. And then I would have ended up on a date with him. Ew.

    • sunkissedpianist

      My friend shared this rather clever one with me:
      “Is your nickname Google? Because you’re everything I’ve been searching for.”
      I’ve heard tons of other ones, but maybe that’s because my friends and I are medical geeks and try to come up with ones medically related, i.e. “You make my heart v-fib (ventricular fibrillation=arrhythmia)” and other such nonsense…

    • drea

      this might just be because I’m only 21, but find it really tacky when I guy just walks up to me and “how old are you?” is the first thing out of his mouth. He may as well have just said “The only reason I’m talking to you is because I want to fuck you, but I don’t want to wind up in jail, so just let me know if I’m wasting my time or not.”